You're off to "di universitet" (college) for the first time and
dad and I are confident
that academically you'll do just fine. However, we wish to caution you about"
"Freshman Tsen." No, this is not a new"
"prime time" course that meets at 10 a.m.;"
it's a not-so-serious problem faced by many"
young adults.
The founts of knowledge at State must be"
dispensing rich chocolate malteds, Kit Kat"
bars, upscale Dove Bars, and "Exterminator"
Chili" (chili with eggs, rice, beans and all the"
toppings) because the average freshman"
gains almost 10 pounds.
Don't blame the weight gain on the starchy"
dormitory food! Many students continue to"
gain weight after they've moved off campus"
and no longer ate dormitory food.
Remember that grocery stores outside of"
New York City and Long Island may not"
carry your favorite foods. In Joyce"
Eisenberg and Ellen Scolnic's new book, "
"Dictionary of Jewish Words,"they write "
about a man in suburban Philadelphia who"
asked a supermarket clerk for matza. The"
clerk was puzzled, so the man described it as a square box of flat crackers,
to which the clerk replied, "Oh, yeah, Jewish wafers,"
Aisle 8." (I'm sending you a copy for "
Hanukkah!)
I've listed some tips to help you--and your"
roommates--prevent the "Freshman 10" problem:
Ignore Samuel Johnson's advice: "Come,"
my lad, and drink some beer." Avoid"
excessive drinking. Yes, light "bir" (beer)"
has fewer calories than regular beer."
Stroh Light, Michelob Lite, .....How about"
HE-BREW "bir"--The Chosen Beer?
Remember the old food proverb, "Vos"
fuler der boykh alts leydiker der kop."(The fuller the stomach, the emptier
the"
head).
Look out for "Beer Drinker's finger"--a"
malady described in the Journal of the"
AMA, as the discoloration or swelling of"
one's finger as a result of pulling the "
rings of pop-top beer cans. Better you"
should suffer from "bowler's thumb," "drummer's thumb,"or "tennis
thumb.
Remember that a high-protein, low-"
carbohydrate meal will produce sharper"
wits than a high-carbonhydrate one."
Within hours, food affect your attention"
span, "zikhorn" (memory), and"
"shtimung" (mood).
Don't become a "grazer.""Grazing"is the"
food-industry term for people who eat"
standing up as often as sitting down, eat"
on impulse instead of at set times, and"
look for fast food with a "gezunt"" (healthy) aura.
Keep in mind
that heavy doses of TV in "
the student lounge can make you "zaftik" (fat). A recent survey found
that the"
incidence of obesity increases by 2% for"
each additional hour that is spent in front"
of the TV set. And, if you think the "
Pillsbury Dough Boy is "tayer" (adorable),"
you're in BIG trouble! Let your contours" be your guide.
Instead of watching "GH,""One Life Too"
Long," and Survivor: Cook Islands, "join"
the Frisbee team (AKA "Spastic Plastic")."
Join the"beyzbol" (baseball) team," "fusbal"(football)
team, "teniz" (tennis)"
team, or basketball team. Basketball" consumes 375 calories per hour.
Join
a gym. Ignore what Jackie Mason"
wrote ("The World According to Me"):" "Jews are the only people who gain"
weight when they go to a health club "
gym. In a gym or health club gentiles"
are busy with dumbbells and barbells,"
jumping, flying...They're all over the" place. Every Jew is on a bicycle..."
Get into "silicon chips,"not "chocolate"
chips!" Lenny Bruce said, "Chocolate is"
Jewish and Fudge is goyish."Avoid those"
offensive five-letter words: PIZZA, BREAD," and CANDY.
Avoid elective courses
titled:
"Fluid Engineering 200"(topics range from"
proper daquari preparation to the art of"
beer funneling)
"Chocolate 101" (The Roman Banquet -"
which asks the burning question: "Why"
did the Romans recline when they ate?")
"Oenology 101" (the study of wine)
"How to Create an Empire"by David"
Liederman (of David's Cookies)
"Gourmet Canoeing"(a class that "
combines canoeing techniques with stops"
at the local waterfront restaurants)
If your college has a Theme "koridor""
(hall)--Quiet Dorm, High-Tech Hall,"
Scholars Hall, International Dorm, etc.--"
join a "physical wellness dorm"which"
offers an exercise room, "Jazzercise"classes and nutritional workshops.
Get
away from the many "for order" term"
papers. Type your own papers on "der"
komyuter" (the computer). Typing "consumes 120 calories per hour. Practice"
for "gikhkayt" (speed/rapidity). Rapid" typing uses 160 calories
per hour.
Launder your clothes before Spring Break,"
Intersession and "zumer vakatsye" "(summer vacation). Laundering
by" "mashin" (machine) consumes 170 calories"
per hour.. AND MAKES MOTHER HAPPY," TOO.
___________________________________________ Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:
"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction? Yiddish
Trivia." To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com
