"FREG MICH BECHERIM!"*
*Yiddish for "Ask me something else!" by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York

Mothers and "tokhters" (daughters) often share Q/A discussions.
My "mame" adhered to the KISS (Keep It So Short/Keep It So Simple) method of communicating. Nu, isn't that what busy mothers do?

Q. "Mame, what chapter of the "Royt Hut" (Red Hat) Society do you belong to?"

A. "THE FRANKLY MY DEARS chapter.

Q. "Mame, now that Hurricane Katrina has destroyed Biloxi, Mississippi, where will you and 'tate' go to gamble?"

A. "Lomir redn fun freylikher zakhn." (Let's talk about more cheerful things.)

Q. "Did you read that average SAT scores for this year's college freshman are up two points in 'matematik' (mathematics)?"

A. "And let's say 'a dank' (thank you) to test maven, Stanley Kaplan."

Q. "Mame, my health teacher is starting a 'lektsye' (lesson) on VD. What is it and how do you get it?"

A. "Volume Discount!"

Q. "Mame, how come the toothfairy only left me 'fuftsik' (50) cents? My friends all got a 'dolar.'"

A. "Your teeth must have had excessive tartar build-up. Brush 'beser' (better)!"

Q. "Mama, is a metrosexual someone who is getting Waxed to the Max?"

A. "Es ken zein." (It could be.) Ask your father."

Q. "Mame, are you taking the same hormone replacement as Patti LaBelle?"

A. "Yo. (Yes.)...and we're both concerned about the side effects: 'kopveytik' (headache), 'hor' (hair) loss, 'blut' (blood) clots, nausea, and abdominal pain."

Q. "Mame, how come you named me Rachel, when Emily, Madison, and Hannah are so popular?"

A. "Di tayne" (The complaint) Department is closed! Did you know that a Manhattan couple named their daughter 'Alana' after the pattern on their Waterford crystal, and Julia Roberts named her twins Phinnaeus and Hazel?"

Q. "Mame, what time is it?"

A. "Eyns hour, tsvantsik minutes, and tsen seconds until bedtime!"

Q. "Can we buy 'fitness vaser' or those sports drinks with electrolytes?"

A. "Turn on the faucet, dahling 'tochter.' I'll make you a 'glezel tai' (glass of tea)."

Q. "Mom, 'kousine' (cousin) Rachel and her parents use jumper cables to style their hair."

A. "Meshugeneh gens, meshugeneh gribenes.'" (Goofy parents, goofy children.)

Q. "What's a duodenum, Mom?"

A. "I think it's a number system in base two."

Q. "What are the members of your 'bukh' club reading this month?"

A. "YIDDISH WITH DICK & JANE. See Dick and Jane shvitz. Shvitz, Dick and Jane, shvitz."

Q. "How do you like the downtown avant- electric jazz-hip-hop 'muzik' hybrid group, Medeski Martin & Woods?"

A. "G'vald! I thought it was the name of a law firm."

Q. "Mame, when I get a driver's license, can I buy a motorcycle?"

A. "Sure. Wear a YAMAHA--a skullcap for women--and join the local chapter of Chai Riders."

Q. "Did you know that our 'klastsimer' (schoolroom) now has 15 eMacs?"

A. "Gut! (Good!) By the way, which is 'beser' (better)--hardware or software?"

Q. "Mame, I read that Walt Disney added crisis counselors to its cruise ships after Sept. ll."

A. "Take! (Really!) If you're on a cruise ship with Goofy, Pluto, and Minnie, and are still 'deshlogn' (depressed), there is little a shrink can do for you."

Q. "Mame, are you going to attend one of those Botox wine-and-cheese parties where they remove or smooth those frown lines?"

A. "NO! It's not nice to fool Mother Nature, and she's not a gracious loser."

Q. "Mame, what's your favorite country and western song title?"

A. "Well, maybe it's 'Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Super Sol.'"

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___________________________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:

"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!