  
|
FROM "DOS KIND" (THE CHILD)
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
|
|
The Yiddish word meaning "to fly" is "flien."
Airplane fares have been increased considerably. Even the cost of going up is going up. And [in 1992], Iberia Airlines, advertising in Miami for flight attendants, said that one prerequisite is the ability to swim. Are you "dershrokn" (frightened) yet?
------------------------------------------
LaGuardia (LGA), New York, NY
to Denver International Airport (DEN),
flight UA745 coach,
leaving Monday, 11/29/10
Duration of flight: 4 hours, 36 minutes
Passengers: Daddy, Dan, and son, Preston,
4 1/2 months old. (They just spent
Thanksgiving with their family on Long
Island.)
---------------------------------------------
2 p.m.
Preston thinks, "Hey, where's my Fold n' Go
stroller...and my luggage? I hope the airline
doesn't lose it. It has my RaZ-Berry Silicone
Teether. (Don't worry, dad, I won't walk
down the aisle with it!) And the luggage
contains my "Baby Goes Pro" DVD (there is
no lying in the crib playing with my toes!),
Baby Einstein materials, and my first book
titled, "Why I Love My Daddy."
2:20 p.m.
A full-body X-ray machine? Hey, pop, what's this all about? Radiation
and pat-down rigmarole? "Underwear bomber"?
Do they really think I got an explosive in my Pampers Swaddlers,
Size 2? Wow, this
man patted down my belly, arms and legs...
and then he even had the "chutzpah" to test the water
in my bottles.
3:00 p.m.
WHAT? I DON'T HAVE MY OWN SEAT? I'm
going to sit on daddy's lap for four hours
and 36 minutes? Dad keeps mumbling that
we're all "packed like sardines." Sardines?
Never tried 'em.
Daddy says my ears may "pop" as we climb through the altitudes. Since I'm too "yung" to chew gum, maybe I'll just yawn or have daddy blow my nose. The flight attendant suggested that daddy gently--but with some pressure--rub my back repeatedly from the chin to the base of the neck. This will cause a swallowing motion that will relieve pressure built-up in the ears.
What's that DING I hear? Oh, it's just the Captain telling the flight attendants that the plane has reached the cruising altitude. Now daddy can take out his portable electronic devices. "Mit eyn tokhes ken men nit zayn oyf tsvey yaridn." (You can't do two things at one time.)
3:30 p.m.
Hey, this call button is fun. Whenever I push it, the hostess comes
to my seat. NEAT!
3:50 p.m.
What's with the airsickness bags? Dad's
making a hand puppet? He's drawing a
face on the bottom of the bag and playing
"Peek-a-Boo." He's so goofy for 42-years-of-age!
4:10 p.m.
I'm getting hungry. Dad is making me a bottle using POWDERED FORMULA.
What
a mess he's making! The flight attendant
is NOT HAPPY!
Wow, the lady in the middle seat is reading one of those supermarket publications. The headlines read: "I Sold My Baby For A Lite Beer," and "Russian Couple Have First Baby in Space." (Thanks, Andrew A. Rooney, "Word for Word"). Another headline: "After 1 Week on DWTS, Bristol Palin is pregnant again. Her dance partner is baby daddy." Producers of Dancing With The Stars are deciding whether to let Bristol continue to compete in the show. Technically, there are three of them, and this is a couples competition.
4:20 p.m.
I'm wet, Jeff Foxworthy said, "You have to
change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side
of the Pampers
box say 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not
kidding!"
You're changing me on the seat? The bathroom is too small? No privacy! OMG! "Oy vey iz mir!"
4:30 p.m.
Here comes the Baby Einstein Turtle Puppet. Doesn't daddy know
that [in 2009]
the Walt Disney Company offered refunds to parents who bought "Baby
Einstein"
materials to make their kids genuises?
4:50 p.m.
Now it's "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving."
Charley Brown gets roped into preparing
a Thanksgiving dinner for Peppermint Patty
and her friends. My favorite lines:
[after singing "Over the Rainbow and Through the Woods to Grandmother's House We Go"]
Charlie Brown: Well, there's only one thing wrong with that. Linus van Pelt: What's that, Charley Brown? Charlie Brown: My grandmother lives in a condominium.
5 p.m.
We're ready to land. I heard landing a plane is like riding a rollercoaster
at Coney
Island's Astroland Park. My dad says that
he loves to sit in the back seat of the last
car--so he can get "whipped around." If
Uncle Matt were here, he'd say, "In Brooklyn, it's "t.b.
or not t.b. that is the
CONGESTION."
5:24 p.m.
We're back in Denver and almost home.
Did I hear grandma tell daddy that "among
the best home furnishings are children"?
I guess she loves me!
| A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M |
| N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z |
| Yiddish
Stuff Jewish Humor Schmooze News More Majorie Wolfe |
Principle Jewish Stories All Things Jewish Jewish Communities of the World |