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WHO IS "DER TATE"?
There's a Yiddish expression, "Eymens mazl is an anderens shlimazl." (One's good luck is another's misfortune.)
Have you heard the Yiddish version of the story of a couple who traveled to the offices of an Adoption Society in England to receive a "beybi" (baby). They had been on a waiting list a "lang" time. After being interviewed and carefully scrutinized, their dreams were about to be fulfilled.
Arriving at the offices of the Society, they were led up a flight of stairs to a waiting room. After a few minutes they heard someone else climbing the stairs. It was the "yung muter" (young mothe) whose baby was to be adopted. She was greeted by the lady responsible for the adoption arrangements and taken into another room. The adoptive "tata-mame" heard a muffled conversation and a few minutes later, footsteps as the "yung muter" left. They heard her convulsive sobbing (Oy, g'vald!) until the front door of the office was closed. Then, there was "di shtilkayt" (the silence).The lady in charge led the couple to a "kleyn" (small) crib containing a six week old "beybi." On a chair beside it was a "broyn" paper bag containing a change of clothes and two letters. One of these, addressed to the new parents, thanked them for providing a "heym" for her baby and acknowledged that under the terms of the adoption, each would never know the other's identity. Then the "yung muter" added one request. Would they allow her little child to read the other letter on the child's 18th birthday? She assured them that she had not included any information about her identify. The couple entrusted that letter to their "advokat" and one day the child will read the message that the "muter" wrote on the day when, with breaking heart, she parted with the child.
We don't know what she wrote. If WE had to condense all we feel about "lebn" (life) and love into a few precious words, what would we say? "Ver vaist?"
Now, in 2005, the Fox network aired a program named, "Who's Your Daddy?" where a daughter given up for adoption as an infant attempts to guess the identify of her birth father. For "nayntsik" minutes, a "shaineh maidel" (identified as T. J.) faced eight men, all who claim to be her "tate." If after questioning the men, she correctly identifies her birth father, she received $100,000. If a fake father gets himself chosen, then he wins the money.Jews have always believed in the commandment: "Be fruitful and multiply." The Jewish community traditionally has viewed adoption ("ametz" in Hebrew) in a very positive light. Biblical adoptions include Abraham and Eliezer, Moses, and Mordecai and Esther.
Adoptions among Jews is on the rise. "Far vos?" (Why?) Jews often postpone childbearing until later years, at which time infertility problems begin to surface. "Saichel" ( common sense) tells us that highly emotional occasions like reunions are best accomplished privately. (6.3 million people watched "Who's Your Daddy" on January 3, 2005) Tommy Schenck (WRAZ-TV, general manager) said, "We just don't think adoption is a game show." Who wants to meet a birth parent--or birth parents--in front of millions of strangers? "Kodak moments" like this should take place in a more intimate setting! Rabbi Michael Gold (author, "And Hannah Wept: Infertility, Adoption, and the Jewish Couple") e-mailed the writer this statement: "I think the program is an outrage. But much of tv is. It is part of the whole mindset that puts biology and lineage over everything. Our tradition says that donating the sperm is the beginning of being a parent, not the end. The key issue is to raise and mentor the child. Being a biological parent tells us about our genes, but we are far more than our genes."Earlier, Rabbi Gold wrote,'Today, experts recognize that a human being never loses his or her biological identity, even if he or she grows up in a stable, loving adoptive home. Many contemporary Jewish social workers will help a child in a search for birth parents, recognizing the importance of blood lines in forming one's identity. This emphasis on lineage is precisely the Jewish position."
Interestingly enough, except for a brief mention at the beginning of the show, the man and woman who raised T. J. from infancy, weren't discussed.
Jay Harden (Father Matters, Inc.) said, "It's really a shame to see something as personal and sacred as adoption being lumped in with the other 'reality' shows. People peeping into other people's lives through television is, in my opinion, getting out of hand. From 'The Biggest Loser' to "Joe Scam' from 'The Bachelor' to 'My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance'--where does it end? I have many friends who were adopted, and I understand the beauty of being 'chosen' by people who are not your biological parents, to be raised, loved, and cared for as their own. And now, even that has turned into something voyeuristic...I guess it's all about money...I'm ashamed of what's on television today. However, (and this is what Father Matters tries to help men understand), it is really up to us as parents to not only monitor what our kids watch (and how long they watch) but to find healthy and fun alternatives to potentially destructive behavior (too much tv, inappropriate tv, etc.).. The format that was used to exploit the young woman's hunt for her biological father was disgusting...The running theme these days seems to be exploitation..."
According to Jean A. S. Strauss (author,"Birthright: The Guide to Search and Reunion for Adoptees, Birthparents, and Adoptive Parents"), "tens of thousands of adoptees and birthparents each year are deciding to seek out their roots." And in 2005, a half-dozen people adopted as children lined up in Concord, NH, to take advantage of a law allowing them to get copies of their birth certificates, if they were born in New Hampshire. New Hampshire is the fifth state to allow adult adoptees unfettered access, joining Alabama, Alaska, Kansas and Oregon. Delaware and Tennessee allow access but with restrictions.
That being said, must the reunion be an emotional "five-hankie" TV show? "Es past vi a khazer." (It's in a very bad taste; it's as suitable as a pig.)
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