DRESSUPYOURTATE.COM

This "yor" I've entered the Dress Up Your Dad sweepstakes, sponsored by Kohl's Dept. Stores and Chaps. The prizes: "fuftsik" (50) Grand Prize winners each receive a $500 Kohl's Gift card. Anyone who defines a "Levite" as a noun meaning "One who wears jeans religiously," need not apply.

When Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, they did not have to concern themselves with the urge to "Shop Till you Drop." "Lebn" (life) was much simpler before compulsive shopping disorder, Dress Down Fraytik, Blue Light Specials, or Tommy Hilfiger telling one of the contestants on THE CUT, "You don't look like you care about style."

And the Talmud says, "In your community your reputation matters. In a strange place, your clothing counts."

Win or lose, every "tate" should enjoy sharing the following chronology of "Great Moments in Shopping History for Men":

200 A.D.	Romans made different shoes for left and right feet
1580	Pockets are sewn in men's "hoyzn" (trousers)
1644	The word "mall" first appears in the English language
1853	Levi Strauss arrived in San Francisco and founded Levi Strauss & Co.
1858	(Oct. 28) During R. H. Macy's "ershter" (first) day in business, the Manhattan store took in an imposing sum of $11.06 in sales
1859	Shopping bag invented
1865	Wanamakers announces their "money back" guarantee in a Philadelphia ad
1873	Levi's jeans sold for $13.50 a dozen. "bilik vi borsht!" (cheap; a real bargain)
1912	Department stores begin installing escalators
1916	Sneakers were first made in America
1917	Keds produces the "tenis" shoes
1926	D. H. Lee offers the first zip-fly jeans: Lee Rider, Model 101Z
1937	Shopping cart invented by Sylvan Goldman
1938	Wanamaker's Dept. Store introduces revolving "kredit"
1944	The be-all-and-end-all gift was a Frank Sinatra "disk" (record) (78, of course)
1948	Store owners across America put up signs that read: "Closed tonight to watch Milton Berle"
1953	During Lucymania, Marshall Field Dept. Store switched evening hours from "Montik" to "Donershtik" so customers could watch "I Love Lucy"
1955	Marjorie Gottlieb learns that "prom dresses are never worn again"
1960s	Paper clothes are made for the public. They are disposable and used for underwear and children's clothing.
1962	Sam Walton opened the first Wal-Mart discount house
1965	The boom in male "kosmetiks" (cosmetics) is sweeping America; sales went over half a "bilyon" dollars this year alone. "Es freyt mir zeyer tsu hern." (I'm very glad to hear it.)
1970	Shoppers bought Maurizio Vitale "Jesus Jeans." They were advertised on billboards with slogans like "Thou Shalt Have No Other Jeans Before Me."
1975	Calvin Klein begins the "designer" jeans era
1976	L.L. Bean was transformed from its old K-mart raunchiness to a kind of hip, contemporary Abercrombie & Fitch elegance
1978	Alice ("The Honeymooners") is going to buy Ralph a custom-tailored suit with money she earns working behind his back. When Ralph comes across a list of answering-service calls that Alice has hiddn, he jumps to the conclusion that she's seeing another man.
1982	Bruce Feirstin said that "Real Men are secure enough to wear their labels inside their clothing."
1983	"Long Haul Jeans"--the easy-fitting stretch denims with wider pockets, made for long-distance drivers-- is now available.
1986	Bloomingdale's finally accepts Visa and MasterCard. "Danken Got!"
1987	Demetria Modae defines "man" as follows: Male homo sapien, distinct from the female by a curious inability to shop.
1988	Male couch potatoes can veg out in jeans designed for the non-ambulatory snack-ingesting videophile.
	Joe Boxer becomes the first company to create glow-in-the dark "untervesh" (underwear). "Ikh vil es farn moyl nit brengen." (I don't want to discuss it.)
1990s	"Falsh" (counterfeit) clothing is made by computer, producing brand-name fakes. Polo, Guess?, Gap, Banana Republic, DKNY, and Disney are all copied.
1992	A man phoned F.A.O. Schwarz in Manhattan looking for a piggy-bank. "We don't sell piggy banks, sir," came the reply. "Our children don't save-- they invest."
	Freudian Slippers, which come in "fir" (4) sizes--Id, Ego, Superego, and Egomaniac--are marketed.
1995	Mike Tyson drops $60,000 at the designer's Caesars Palace boutique
	Tommy Hilfiger sells sleepwear separates
1996	Harrison Ford was seen rifling through a $68 "sale" bin at Barneys, Manhattan. (He walked away emptyhanded.)
1998	Joe Boxer introduces the first two fly boxer dubbed the "double dipper"
1999	Scented suits that release aromas of lavendar, pine or peppermint when touched, are sold in South Korea
2000	Regis Philbin's shirts and ties become increasingly popular
	While Jerry Seinfeld anxiously awaited the arrival of his first "kind" (child), he was permitted by management to shop at F.A.O. Schwarz after business hours
	The prestigious Washington Opera sent out a mailer with this "yedie" (message): "No dress code: come in formal wear, come in jeans, it doesn't matter."
2001	Banana Repulic offers a concierge "shraybitish" (desk) at the chain's Rockefeller Center, NY, flagship store. While you shop, the staff will recharge your cell phone or Palm Pilot, check your coat, and press your clothes before you leave.
2002	Bloomingdale's opens its new James Bond shops. The shop features that oh-so-suave Bond lifestyle.
2003	A P. C. Vey cartoon shows a male shopper at a tie counter. The caption: "I'm looking for a tie that says I'm not afraid to ride the subway."
2004	Estee Lauder markets a new scent, "Donald Trump, The Fragrance."
2005	Wearing "royt" (red) may give you the game. When boxers, wrestlers and Taekwondo contestants at the Athens Olympics were randomly assigned either "royt" or "bloy" (blue) uniforms, researchers found that red won more bouts.
	"Di shmue" (the rumor) is that Bill Gates will be launching a new moisturizer named "Emale." :-) "Az es klingt, iz misstomeh chogeh." (When people talk about something, it is probably true.)

Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe knows a "dzhentlman" (gentleman) who gets his shirts from England, his shoes from Italy, and his Prozac from Canada.