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TWO HUMOROUS STORIES
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
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"The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment when you are between sleep and awake, when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment you feel with your entire "neshome" (soul) that the dream is reality and it really happened."
Did you ever have a "sheyner kholem"--a beautiful dream?
Have you ever said, "Der lebn iz nit mer vi a kholem, ober vekt mikh nit uf!? (Life is nothing but a dream, but don't wake me up!)
Shown below are the Yiddish versions of two stories titled, "A Woman's 'Kholem.'"
Story 1. A woman is sitting at a bar enjoying an after work "kokteyl" (cocktail) with "der meydlekh" (the girls) from her office. An exceptionally "sheyn" (handsome) middle- aged man enters.
He is so striking that the woman cannot take her eyes off him. The man notices her overly attentive stares and walks directly over to her "tish" (table).
Before she can offer her apologies for rudely staring, he leans over and begins to whisper), "I'll do "abi vos" (anything/whatever) you want me to do for 'tsvantsik' (20) dollars, but on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asks what the condition is. The man replies, "You have to tell me what you want me to do, in just 'dray vorts' (3 words)." The woman considers his proposition for a moment and then removes a $20 bill from her "baytl" (purse), which she presses into the man's "hant" along with her address. She then looks deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully says, "CLEAN MY HOUSE!"
Story . Another woman's "kholem" (dream)
"Der man" was "krank" (sick) and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed "heym" (home). He wanted her to see what he went through so he began to "daven" (pray): Lord, I go to work every day and put in "akht" (8) hours while my wife merely stays at "heym." She probably watches the soaps on "televisye" and talks on the "telefon." I want her to know what I go through so please allow her "guf" (body) to switch with mine for "der mes-les" (24-hour period).
God, in his infinite "khokhme" (wisdom), granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked "frishtik" (breakfast) for his mate, awakened "der kinder" (the children), set out their school "klayder" (clothing), fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to the Solomon Schechter school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, and stopped at "der bank" to make a deposit. Then he went to ShopRite, drove home to put the groceries away, paid the bills, and balanced the "tshkbukh" (checkbook). He cleaned "di kats" (the cat's) litter box and bathed "der hunt" (the dog). Then it was already 1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the "bet," do "dos vesh" (the laundry), use "der shtoyzoyger" (vacuum cleaner), dust, and sweep and mop "di kikh" (the kitchen) floor.
Ran to school to pick up the kids . On the way home he told them, "Ikh bin der balebos" (I'm the Master of the house). He set out "di milkh" and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework Then he did "dos presayn" (the ironing). Now where's "der krokhmal" (the starch)?
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded "dos kalbfleysh" (the veal) chops, and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper he cleaned the kitchen, cleared "di keylim" (the dishes) loaded the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids read them their favorite story, "Bubbie and Zadie Come to My House" - A Story For Hanukkah" by Daniel Halevi Bloom", then put them to "bet.'
At 9 p.m. he was "oysgematert" (exhausted)! Though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to "bet" where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without "kvetshn" (complaining). The next morning he awoke and immediately began to "knien" ( kneel) by the bed and said,
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home "ale" (all) day. Please, oh please, let us trade BACK."
The Lord, in his infinite "khokhme," replies, "My 'zun' (son), I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait "nayn" (9) months, though. You got "shvanger" (pregnant) last night."
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