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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
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Dr. Phil is experiencing "nakhes fun kinder"
(pleasure from the children). "Mazel-tov,"
Dr. Phil. I understand that you have become a grandfather. In
Yiddish, we call
you a "zaideh" and your granddaughter is
an "ainikel."
You "zun" (son) and "shnur" (daughter-in-law) have chosen a lovely name. And
how nice of you to announce the "frailech" (happy) news on your twitter.com
blog, writing, "SHE'S HERE! OMG!
AVERY ELIZABETH MCGRAW..." And your
son, Jay, later tweeted, "TOTALLY BEAUTIFUL GIRL!!! ERICA WAS AMAZING
THROUGH THE ENTIRE EXPERIENCE."
We call a pretty girl a "sheyne meydl."
I'm so glad that Jay and Erica DID NOT
send out the following birth announcement:
SHE'S ENTERED THE HOUSE
(A GIFT FROM THE SPOUSE)
A BUNDLE OF JOY (HE WANTED A BOY)
21 INCHES, SIX POUNDS, SIX OUNCES
(SHE MAKES FUNNY SOUNDS)
WE'RE GLAD SHE'S HERE
(NO MORE THIS YEAR)
I think that you'll soon learn that
grandparents are an "ikerdic" (essential)
part of the Gross National Product (GNP).
Every time grandpa and grandma open
their wallets at Toys "R" Us, the economy
index jumps several points.
As the grandmother of four, what have I
learned? NEW GRANDPARENTS SHOULD:
. Remember the Yiddish expression,
"Ven es vert geborn a meydl, iz es a
hatslokhe far der mishpokhe."
(When a girl is born, it's a success for
the family.)
. Know that a pacifier can be called a
"binky" or a "non-nutritive device."
. Play Barry Manilow songs; they're the
only ones that seem to soothe an "oyfele"
(infant).
. Remember that some babies give a
"geshrai"--a scream, a yell. "Zorg zikh
nit!" (Don't worry!)
. Indulge in the "4-2-1 syndrome," in which
four grandparents and two parents
pamper an only child.
. Expect the baby's first words to be
"Buy-Buy."
. Know that "Kleyne layt geyn nit vayt."
(Little people don't travel far.)
. Read "Hot Granny - Fabulous at
50, 60, and Beyond" by Mel Walsh. Mel is
a grandmother of 12 and offers these
suggestions:
Offer to babysit so the parents can have a date
night.
Know: If a visiting child is still leaking at night,
put a shower curtain under the the sheet to protect the mattress. Diapers do not always fully contain the little one's night deposits.
Learn the following games: Bingo, Boggle, Cadoo, Chutes and Ladders, Crazy Eights, Go Fish, Jenga, Monopoly, Old Maid...
. Learn the words to "Willy Was a Whale," by Justin Roberts. It's a staple of the kiddie rock movement. Willy walks "all the way down to Weno, Nevada."
. Try to attend any "shpitol" (hospital)
conference titled, "Child Care: The Bottom Line."
. Stop in at Borders and order "Do Diapers
Give You Leprosy?" by Nancy Stiles, and
"My Grandmother Has Black Hair" by
Hoffman and Burroughes.
. Jerry Lewis was right: "Girls even shriek
differently than boys. They say, 'Pwwease,
Daddy,' and you melt."
. Buy the best baby gift of all--a brand-new
"roykh" (smoke) alarm.
. "Careful what you say. Children will
listen." (Stephen Sondheim's "Into The
Woods")
. Some newborns will stick out their
tongues if they see an adult do it.
. Some kids play together about as well as
a Tyrannosaurus rex and a bunny
"kinigl" (rabbit).
Paula
Spencer
. Molly Katz wrote, "A family with a new
baby knows you'll cancel plans with them
ifGodforbid you come down with a cold.
This expectation remains in effect until
the child votes."
. Sam Levenson was right: "I suggest that
a kid raised in a bouquet of frying onion,
sputtering chicken fat, or baking bread
may never feel the need for sniffing glue."
("In
One Ere & Out the Other")
. NEVER say, "Kom vos er krikht." (He's
barely able to crawl; he's a slowpoke.)
. Remember that bagels make a
"vunderlekh" (wonderful) teething ring.
. Remember that three things grow
overnight: profits, rent, and girls.
. Remember that "Kleyne kinder hobn
groyse oyern." (Little children have big
ears.)
. The least demanding child/grandchild is
easily neglected.
. Hanukkah isn't Hanukkah unless at least
one child has diarrhea or the flu.
. "Dinner wouldn't be complete without
children dangling spoons from their
noses, rocking back and forth in their
chairs or saying, "I'm not eating that!
What is it?"
(Janice
Noil)
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