the schmooze
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York

Cohen took his wife to see the "doktor." After saying "gut-morgn," the "doktor" told the man to stay in the waiting room, and he would be called when the "doktor" finished examining his wife.

After "tsen" (10) minutes, he comes out, asks the nurse for a screwdriver and then returns to the examining room. Another "tsen" minuites and the doctor came out asking for a pair of pliers. The man was really getting concerned.

When the "doktor" came out and asked for a hammer, the man could not contain himself any longer and asked, "Doktor, what is wrong with my wife? Is it 'apenditsit, a bluter, farshtopung, or zunshlok?"

The "doktor" said, "I don't know yet, I can't get my medical bag opened."

Studies show that today's doctor often interrupts the patient within the first 18 seconds of their explanation of what was bothering them. They hear only some of the symptoms but missed vital clues. Here's the evidence:

"Shalom, Doktor. I just returned from seeing the movie, 'Keeping Up With the Steins,' which is all about..."

"Bar Mitzvah 'kine' (envy)! See you next month."

(next patient)

"Doktor, I have terrible sinus pains. Enjoyed Pralines 'n Cream, Ben & Jerry's peanut butter and jelly, Oprah Mocha, Healthy Choice's Double Karma, Klein's Glida Brand Kosher for Passover 'ayzkrem'...

"Max out! BASKINROBBINSITUS--the Paul Dickson term for that sudden pain one gets in the sinuses when one eats 'ayzkrem' too fast."

"Hi, Doc. Listen, I'm in a rush. Whenever I enter McDonald's or any other fast food 'restoran' (restaurant), I begin to feel....."

"It's that 'geshtank' (foul odor), which is called 'McMonia.' It's a Rich Hall Sniglet: n. (chemical symbol : Mc). Noxious gas created by fast-food employees mopping under your table while you're eating. Put on 'Hebrute'--the Israeli aftershave. By the way, watch for 'DriveThru Throat,' a form of laryngitis caused by frequent yelling into drive-thru microphones."

"Hello, Doc. I'm new to New York. My previous physician was a Minnesota Lutheran and was not up on 'cellphone elbow,' 'Blackberry thumb,' "boutique doctors,' and..."

"Too much of Garrison Keillor! Goodbye."

"Hello, Doctor. I'm going 'postal.' I'm totally stressed out preparing for my S.A.T. exam. You know when the test was revamped, the top score was raised to 2,400, not 1,600. Oh, there goes my beeper..."

"Don't make a tsimmes--a fuss--over nothing. You're suffering from BEEPILEPSY: the brief seizure students suffer when their beepers go off especially in vibrator mode. It's characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and the cessation of speech in mid-sentence."

"Good afternoon, Doc. Just returned from taking the 'kinderlech' to the Jewish Museum,the Tenament Museum, the Guggenheim, and..."

"Her nor!" (Listen!) You're 'shrark via ferd' (strong as a horse). Just a case of 'Museum Stomach.' Coined by Eric Asimov, within hours of entering a museum, you will be hungry, you will be thirsty, and since Museum Stomach works in tandem with Museum Legs, you will need to sit down."

"Doc, I have an uncontrollable urge to tighten or loosen nuts, wash parts, clean the upholstery, and listen to Car Talk at the same time. Visits are frequently made to auto washes, detailing shops, used car lots (previously owned dealerships) and have a calming effect..."

"Efsher" (maybe, could be) Auto Psychosis or Chronic Automotive Recidivism Syndrome (CARS). Don't delude yourself that you can afford the price of that Alfa. It's 'teier' (expensive). Subscribe to Auto Week; it's cheaper."

"Doctor, like your tie. But in a recent study almost half the ties tested harbored microorganisms that can cause illness..."

"Yes, and earlier studies have found bacteria on everything from doctors' stethoscopes to pagers and pens. Shall I call you Mrs. Clean?"

"Doktor, I'm experiencing several social problems at Brandeis: social isolation, discord, etc. Am I 'aidel gepatshit' (super- sensitive)?"

"Internet addiction disorder (IAD). Shut off the computer, join a fraternity, learn to dance."

"Doc, I'm having heartburn or an adverse reaction to something I ate at a pricey ("Park your Brinks truck') kosher Chinese restaurant. Wonder if it could be the MSG, Soy Vay marinade, Tnt-peppered..."

"Chinese Restaurant Syndrome, first reported in a medical journal in 1969. Drink 8 glasses of designer 'vaser' P.R.N. and call me in the morning."

"Doctor, whenever I enter Home Depot to buy something for the 'heim,' I feel ill. 'Muz ikh hoben rentgensh tralen?'' (Do I have to have an xray?)

"Stay out of 'der ayzenvargkrom" (the hardware store) and 'di opteyk' (the drugstore). Bulk-purchasing seizure, a not-so-serious illness coined by Ed Lowe.

"Doktor, I'm a bit embarrassed to discuss these symptoms: vague abdominal discomfort, distension, heartburn and frequent belches--especially during Biology. I feel much better after gym."

"Easy diagnosis: Tight Pants ("hoyzen") Syndrome. May I recommend larger size pants? The symptoms will disappear immediately."

"Oy, Doc, have I got a backache. Just returned to Brooklyn from Sanibel and Captiva Island where my husband and I spent a glorious week on the beach examining exotic seashells. It's nothing like Jones Beach or Rockaway Beach, where I grew up..."

"Sanibel Stoop--a back ailment caused by constantly bending over. 'Di tsayt iz der beser doktor.' (Time is the best physician.)

"Doc, I finished the 10-day prescription of Keflex and I don't feel..."

"No one likes placebos, but some of my patients have to take them."

"Doc, have you ever noticed how many women's problems can be traced to the male gender? MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal breakdown, HIMmorrhoids..."

"Go see a GUYneologist!"

"Doc, I'm taking Minoxidil to grow hair..."

"And next you'll try to draw a causal link between yarmulke-wearing and male- pattern baldness."

"Doc, I have a rich 'fantazye' (imagination). My 'mishpokhe' (family) thinks..."

"You and another patient of mine, Andrea Kelly! She paired up Burger King and Dairy Queen and pitched an idea for a movie. Burger King is finishing his first year at 'di universitet' (the college); Dairy Queen just graduated from 'hayskul" (high school). they meet on a kibbutz over the 'zumer' (summer), and it's love at first sight. They long for the day they can marry and have a Baby Ruth of their own. But there's something not quite kosher in the relation- ship."

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N O P Q R S T U V W   Y Z
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:
yiddish for dog and cat loversbook
"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!

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