the schmooze
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York

Shown below is a tongue-in-cheek quiz to find out how compatible you are with your Jewish boss.  Circle any group of pairs that resembles YOUR relationship with your boss.  Check the scoring at the end to see how well you fared.

1.  a) I worry about the "recession"
     b) The BOSS worries about the
          "mancession"--a recession that affects
          men more than women

2.  a) I think we have God to thank for the
         Post-it Note
     b) The BOSS thanks Spencer Silver, the
         scientist at 3M

3.  a) I hire only those people who have CPS (Certified Professional Secretary) or
         CAP (Certified Administrative Professional) ratings
    b) The BOSS hires a pony-tailed cutie
         pie--"a maidel mit a vayndel"

4.  a) I think the 3 R's are "Reading, Writing,
         and Rakhmones"
     b) The BOSS considers them the
         Risk/Reward Ratio

5.  a) I take Glatt Kosher vacation cruises
         on Kosherica
     b) The BOSS cruises on the
          "Informatsye" (Information)

6.  a) I define "dos maysele" (fairy tale) as a
         story about fairies or other beings
         with magic ("kishef") powers
     b) The BOSS defines a "fairy tale" as
          stress management, romance, privacy,
          money in CDs, job satisfaction, and
          other GRIMS

7.  a) I keyboard the way I live - "shnel"
         F-A-S-T, with a lot of mistakes
     b) The BOSS thinks keyboarding isn't
          bad, once you get the nangk of jit

8.  a) I know that "Ms." means any female
     b) The BOSS assumes "Ms." means

9.  a) I'm Felix Unger's soul mate and
         believe that "messy desks equal messy
     b) The BOSS agrees with Dr. Witkin:
          "If a man's desk is too clean, too
           antiseptic, too empty, it could mean
           that he has nothing to do."

10. a) I define"ledger" as "a set of books
          kept by a businessperson"
      b) The BOSS agrees with R. W. Jackson
          and defines "ledgerdemain" as "the
          other set"

11. a) At business meetings I never "funfeh"
      b) The BOSS is a typical "bulbenik"--
           someone who talks with a potato in
           his mouth; one who makes verbal

12. a) I'm concerned about "di gloz" (Glass)
     b) The BOSS is concerned with the
          "groz" (grass) Ceiling"--policies that
          allow women to join golf clubs only
          as members' wives and rules that
          bar female players during prime
          playing hours

13. a) I read "Nice Girls Don't Get The
          Corner Office" by Lois Frankel
      b) The BOSS reads "Trump:  The Art
           of the Comeback" by Donald Trump

14.  a) I'm concerned about Elana Kagan
       b) The BOSS is concerned about
            LeBron James

15.  a) I suffer from Flu-Shot Anxiety
       b) The BOSS just suffers!  "Shpor,
            Shpor, kumt der shvarts yor un
            nemt alts gor."  (You save and you
            save, and then a lean year comes
            and takes away everything.)

16.  a) I mark every envelope ("konvert")
           "Top Priority," "Rush," "ASAP," or
           "Fresh Fish"
       b) The BOSS has the philosophy that
            "the more trouble you take to
            mail "der briv" (the letter), the
            slimmer the chances are that it
            will get where it's going on time...
            or ever

17.  a) I decorate my "landscaped" office
           with picture of Oprah, Muriel
           Siebert, and Faith Popcorn
      b) The BOSS decorates his corner
           office with gold framed portraits
           of Michael Eisner and Bill Gates

18.  a) I consider myself an OAK--an open,
           adaptive, and knowledgeable
           human being
      b) The BOSS is a typical ACORN--an
           addictive, comulsive, obsessive, real
           nutty person

19.  a) I suffer from Graphspasm--writer's
       b) The BOSS suffers from Club Med

20.  a) I'm into "der tselularer telefon"
           (cell phone)
       b) The BOSS is into YELLular--the
            loudness one adopts in response
            to a bad cell phone connection,  in
            the misguided hope that talking
            louder will improve the

21.  a) I require high quality modems like
           the Multi-Tech Multi Modem ZBA
           Wired External Serial RS-232 56
           Kbps Fax
       b) The BOSS shops "HIgh Tech," "Low

22.  a) I belong to "Women Office
           Workers" (WOW), Brandeis
           Women, and Hadassah
      b) The BOSS belongs to (the) Royal
           Association for the Longevity of
           the Honeymooners" (RALPH)

23.  a) I agree with Jerrry Seinfeld:  "I
           don't believe people think of their
           offices as a workplace anyway.  I
           think they think of it as a
           stationery store with Danish.  You
           want to get your pastry, your
           envelopes, your supplies, your
           toilet paper, six cups of coffee and
           go home."
      b) The BOSS is the Paul Reiser type--
           prepares a list of Things To Do
           Today List:  "There are, of course,
           grander things you want to do
           with your day, larger goals you
           have for your life that also don't
           need to be written down.  Work
           toward World Peace.  I don't have
           to jot that down."

24.  a) I invested in KKK (Kosher Krispy
           Kreme) donuts and lost megabucks
           due to the popularity of the no carbs

      b) The BOSS invested in gold--and
           made lots of money

25.  a) I brown-bag it and eat lunch at the
      b) The BOSS "Power Lunches"

26.  a) I've labeled my IN/OUT box,
           "Shalom/Zei(t) Gezunt
      b) The BOSS labels his IN/OUT box,
            "Easy Come/Easy Go"

Allow one point for each circled answer.

16 - 26 points:  You are hopelessly
                          incompatible with your
                          boss.  Contact a head
                          hunter NOW.

1 - 15 points:    Mazel-tov.  You and your
                          "balebos" are very com-
                          patible,  Ask for a raise.


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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:
yiddish for dog and cat loversbook
"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!

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