Bernie certainly isn't pleased with Faye's decision, but who is he to argue - he could never win.  So he says, "OK, DEAR."

On the day of the cruise, Bernie and Faye drive up to the quay in their 2009 Bugatti Veyron 16.4, with its diamond-cut alloy rims, moisture-resistant leather for the interior, and a "Puccini" sound system. Captain Cohen is on the bridge as they pass by and calls in the purser.  "Find out who they are and invite them to dine at my table "haynt" (tonight)."

Later, the purser knocks on the door of the Royal State Room.  When Faye answers the door, the purser says, "Compliments of Captain Cohen, madam.  He would very much like you both to dine with him this "ovnt" (evening).

Bernie comes to the door and says, "Who is it, Faye?  Is there a problem?"

"This man says that Captain Cohen wants us to eat with him this evening," replies Faye.

"I told you we shouldn't have come," says Bernie, "seven-star or no seven-star, we have only  been on this boat half-an-hour and already we have to eat with the crew."

My husband, Howard Wolfe, a retired guidance counselor, would like to become a "Gentleman Host" on one of the cruiseship lines.  With tongue-in-cheek, we've prepared his resume.

                          HOWARD WOLFE
                      "DZHENTLMAN HOST"

PERSONAL DETAILS
Age:  Mature (75), but young at "harts"
          Able to keep up with "Boomers" and "Xers"
Marital status:  Married
Health:  Excellent
Personality:  Extrovert.  Makes friends easily.  Able to cruise and "schmooze"
Dress Style:  "Comfortable Elegance"
Favorite quote:  "When I was very young and the urge to be someplace was on me, I was assured by mature people that maturity would cure this itch...In middle age I was assured that greater age would calm my fever and now that I am 58 perhaps senility will do the job.  Nothing has worked...I fear the disease is incurable."
                                 John Steinbeck

EMPLOYMENT HISTORY
Dance Instructor, Arthur Murray and Fred Astaire Dance Studios
Worked as a go-fer for Gopher on "The Love Boat"  
Organized a Windjammer Barefoot Cruise for singles who became doubles (five marriages resulted); 
"Nor a shteyn zol zayn aleyn."  (Only a stone should be alone.)
Tri-lingual:  English, Spanish, Yiddish Excellent communication ability.  I understand that:

• "You remind me of Shelley Winters," isn't a "kompliment",  Single women frequently suffer a "Manilow"--a depression caused by hearing the cruise band play a romantic Rodgers & Hart song
• Shipboard conversation SHOULDN'T include such topics as the Lusitania, Titanic, Andrea Doria, "The Poseidon Adventure" or Gilligan
• My hands are for holding and my feet are for dancing
• Only John Travolta looks good in a white suit and open collar
• Oscar Wilde was correct:  "After all, the only proper intoxication is conversation."

KNOWLEDGE OF SHIPBOARD TERMS/ FACTS/TRIVIA

1.  P.O.S.H. ("Port Out, Starboard Home")
2.  ORLOP (nautical term describing the lowest deck of a ship with three or more decks)
3.  Bermuda Triangle (awkward cruise-ship romance involving three people)
4.  Tender
5.  Pooped (smashed by a wave on the stern)
6.  Williwaw (refers to a strong erratic gust of wind)
7.  The longer the cruise, the older the passengers
8.  The higher cost you pay for a cruise, the older the crowd is
9.  Laminex (crew I.D. card which doubles as a passport while in port)
10. The "caller" at bingo on cruise ships often says "quack quack" when the no. 22 is called

INTERESTS

Travel
Dancing: American and iternational styles;
all ballroom, Latin Disco and Country
Western line dances; the Electric Slide, Achy Breaky and Tush Push

Duplicate Bridge (Instructor) Tai Chi Qi Gong

EDUCATION
Attended:  Protocol School of Washington, the "Harvard of etiquette schools"
Learned:

• "Never use the arm of an eyeglass to stir coffee"
• "Never ask for a  s-l-i-c-e of demi-tasse"
• "If you're at a social event with Bill Gates and G.E.'s Jack Welsh, introduce Bill Gates to Jack Welsh, not Jack Welsh to Bill Gates.

PHILOSOPHY
"The world is a book, and those who do NOT travel read only a page."
                               St. Augustine

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___________________________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:

"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!