The Confusing Hebrew Lesson

THE CONFUSING HEBREW LESSON by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York I'm reminiscing. It's more than 60 years since I attended Hebrew school at Derech Emunoh Synagogue, a neo-Georgian structure which was located at 199 Beach 67th Street, Arverne, Queens, NY. That architectural gem-- that drew 800 people on Saturday mornings--no longer exists.
Our beloved rabbi, Eugene Cohen, has passed away.

It was here that Mr. Lieberman and Mr. Panitz taught me to read Hebrew.   Girls did not celebrate with a Bat Mitzvah in those days; we graduated with a simple ceremony. Cake, soda, and coffee!

I remember the lessons:

"Boker tov" (Good morning)
"Ken" (Yes)
"Lo" (No)
"Lo tov" (Not good)
"Metzuyan" (Excellent)
"Yeladiym" (boys)
"Shmi" (My name is...)
"Todah" (Thank you)

As I was searching the web, I came across a humorous piece titled, "Abbott and Costello Learn Hebrew." There's another version (in video) on the Itche Kadoozy show. So, sit back and enjoy this "vunderlekh" Hebrew lesson:

ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.

COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.

A: Now, the first thing you must
     understand is that Hebrew and English
     have many words which sound alike, but
     they do not mean the same thing.

C: Sure, I understand.

A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.

C: How stupid do you think I am - don't
     answer that. It's simple - some words
     in Hebrew sound like words in English,
     but they don't mean the same.

A. Precisely.

C: We have that word in English, too. What
     does it mean in Hebrew?

A. No, no. Precisely is an English word.

C: I didn't come here to learn English, I
     came to learn Hebrew. So make with the
     Hebrew.

A: Fine. Let's start with MEE.

C: You.

A: No, MEE.

C: Fine, we'll start with you.

A: No, we'll start with MEE.

C: Okay, have it your way.

A: Now, mee is who.

C: You is Abbott.

A: You don't understand.

C: I don't understand? Did you just say me
     is who?

A: Yes I did. MEE is who.

C: You is Abbott.

A: No, you misunderstand what I am saying.
     Tell me about MEE.

C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.

A: No, no. Tell me about MEE!

C: Who?

A: Precisely.

C: Precisely what?

A: Precisely who

C: It's precisely whom!

A: No, MEE is who.

C: Don't start that again - go on to
     something else.

A: All right. Hu is he.

C: Who is he?

A: Yes.

C: I don't know. Who is he?

A: Sure you do. You just said it.

C: I just said what?

A: Hu is he.

A: Precisely.

C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?

A: No, precisely he.

C: Precisely he? Who is he?

A: Precisely!

C: And what about me?

A: Who.

C: Me, me, me!

A: Who, who, who!

C: What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?

A: No, hu is he!

C: I don't know, maybe he is me!

A: No, hee is she!

C: (STARE AT ABBOTT) Do his parents
     know about this?

A: About what?

C: That she is he!

A: No, you've got it wrong - he is she!

C: Then who is he?

A: Precisely.

C: Who?

A: He!

C: Me?

A: Who!

C: He?

A: She!

C: Who is she?

A. No, hu is he.

C: I don't care who is he. I want to know
     who is she?

A: No, that's not right.

C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was
     standing here when I said it, and I
     know me.

A: Who.

C: Who?

A. Precisely!

C: Me! Me is that he you are talking
     about. He is me!

A: No, hee is she!

C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm
     trying to learn a little Hebrew, and
     now I can't even speak English. Let me
     review.

A: Go ahead.

C: Now first You want to know me is
     who.

A: Correct.

C: And then you say who is he.

A: Absolutely.

C: And then you tell me he is she.

A & C: Precisely.

C. Now look at this logically. If me is who,
     and who is he, and he is she, don't it
     stand to reason that me is she?

A: Who?

C: She!

A: That is he!

C: Who is he?

A & C: Precisely.

C: I have just about had it. You have me
     confused. I want to go home. You know
     what I want? Ma!

A: What.

C: I said Ma.

A: What.

C: What are you deaf? I want Ma!

A. What!

C: Not what, who!

A. He!

C: Not he! Ma is not he!

A: Of course not! Hu is he!

C: I don't know. I don't know. I don't care.
     I don't care who is he, he is she, me is
     who, ma is what. I just want to go
     home now and play with my dog.

A: Fish.

C: Fish?

A. Dog is fish.

C: That's all. I'm outta here.
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___________________________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:
yiddish for dog and cat lovers

"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction? Yiddish
Trivia." To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com

NU, what are you waiting for? Order the book!

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