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I've just finished reading Jean Davies Okimoto and Phyllis Jackson Stegall's book, " Boomerang Kids: How to live with adult children who return home." It's "shver" (difficult)!
Yes, the statistics are alarming. Millions of
adults over the age of 18 live in their
parents' "heym." In anticipation of my adult
son's return home, I've prepared--and
notorized--the following guidelines:
I, MARJORIE WOLFE, WILL NEVER SAY:
. Don't forget your rubbers.
. Tie those "shukh" laces before you trip.
. Investment banking wasn't that great after all, was it, "zun"?
. Make yourself "bakven" (comfortable).
. Read my lips. MY NAME IS NOT MICHELIN and this is NOT a four-star "restoran."
. No, I can't make Zucchini Pizza Strips.
. Did the Carnegie Deli really name a "sendvitsh" after you?
. Sorry, my grocery "budzhet" does not include the purchase of "designer water." Turn on the faucet!
. Was that you up at 1 a.m. watching "Georgeous Ladies of Wrestling" (GLOW)? Meshugge!
. No, I don't believe in "drug recycling"-- the practice of giving unused pills from deceased patients to other patients as an alternative to importing drugs from Canada! Would you really want me to take pills that obviously didn't work on someone else?
. No, I no longer belong to the P.I.A. (Parents' Intelligence Agency)! I found your little MasterCard Affinity card (with a 1956 photo of Presley playing the guitar) in my Recipe Box.
Parenthood is NOT transitory--like a brief stay in jail in the game of Monopoly.
. Did you know that Teddy Roosevelt's last words were "Please put out the light"?
. Eat the spaghetti. Don't suck "der sos" (the sauce) off!
. No, I didn't see your T-shirt with the inscription, "NO CONDO. NO MBA. NO BMW. NO MAZL."
. You are a "yokel" if you are naive enough to believe that eggs are healthful."
. I never said you were a member of the DUPPIES--Downwardly Mobile, Urban Professional!
. I know what a CEO is, but what's a COO?
. What do you mean, Robin Leach would weep if he had to spend the night in your glove-compartment size bedroom?
. You spent $236.99 for membership in the Beef Jerky of the Month Club?
. Yes, you are a "resumacher"--someone who has impressive credentials on paper but can't deliver results in real life!
. I would NEVER pay almost $5 for a "half-caf-mocha-latte-chino"?
. Going sockless is a privilege belonging to certain casual but well-dressed people in the Newport or Palm Beach set. The Syosset, New York set wear socks!
. You use jumper cables to style your hair?
. This is an EQUAL OPPORTUNITY "KIKH" (kitchen). Grab a towel!
. Go to the Israeli Day Parade in Manhattan; it's a good place to pick up girls.
. If you don't like my cooking, call 1-877-BRISKET or check out Misterbrisket.com.
. Go ahead and rent an apartment. Make my day.
. And don't ever call me "Our Lady of Perpetual Typing"!
_____
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the mother of
three adult sons.
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