"Floridization" is a noun meaning "Having a
rapidly increasing percentage of senior
citizens in the population of a specific
geographical area."
Polls show that (as of Oct. 13, 2008), Obama
has overtaken McCain in Florida--the state
of ex-New Yorkers, Snowbirds and Snowflakes. Obama said he must make
sure his campaign reaches out to older
voters. "We need to make sure on issues
that are important to them--like prescription drugs or pension ("pensie") and
retirement security--that [they know]
I've got a strong track record on those
issues and very specific plans to make sure
that they are getting the kinds of help that
they need," said Obama.
If Obama emerges victorious on Election
Day, perhaps we should thank comedian,
Sarah Silverman. Her on-line video called,
"The Great Schlep" urges "yung" Jews to
visit the grandparents in Florida. Upon
arrival, their job is to encourage their
"zeyde-bobe" to vote for Mr. Obama. She
even suggests that grandchildren withhold visits to their grandparents if they
don't
comply. "Yeder hot zayn eygene meshugaas." (Everyone has his own craziness.)
"The Great Schlep"was produced by the
Jewish Council for Education and Research.
Ms. Silverman calls Obama "the goodest
person we've ever had as a presidential
choice." She's just kidding ("JK") when she
says, "If Barack Obama doesn't become
the next president of the United States,
I'm going to blame the Jews."
SO, if you're visiting the grandparents in
Florida, keep these thoughts in mind:
"Iz vasserschpritz" is the Yiddish term for waterfront property.
Dave Barry said, "The Florida State Seal depicts a mosquito
carrying a machine gun."
Never use the slogans, "Relax, Retire, Re-Vote" or "If you think
we can't vote, wait 'til you see us drive."
The 4 Seasons are "Tourist Season," "Fire Season," "Hurricane Season" and "Mosquito
Season."
Don't imitate Jerry Seinfeld's routine:
"My folks just moved to Florida this past year. They didn't
want to move to Florida, but they're in their sixties and that's the law."
Don't remind grandma of what Bill Maher (Comedy Central show)
offered during Election Day, 1994: "Clinton went to Florida and
told senior citizens that if the Republicans were elected, they'd not
only cut social security, but they'd cancel 'Matlock.'"
Visit the hippiest place of all in the Sunshine State: South Beach. All those old artdeco hotels and restaurants have been restored and the place pulses at night with clubs, discos, and skinny young things in "shvarts leder" (black
leather).
There's no truth to the sign posted in the lobby of a well-known
Miami Beach hotel: "THE OCEAN ISN'T OPEN."
Spring Breakers don't always make it back to their grandparent'shome to sleep every night.
"Sanibel Stoop" is a back ailment caused by constantly bending
over in search of exotic seashells on Sanibel and Captiva.
Florida is home to many chapters of The Red Hat Society:
R.E.A.P. (Red Hats Energize a Person), Wilmauma
V.I.P. (Villagettes in Purple), the Villages
H.A.T.S. (Happy Attitudes Towards Seniors), Newport
Richey
F.L.I.R.T.S. (Feisty Ladies in Red Toppers), Bonita
Springs
A.I.R. Heads (Adorned in Red), Port Charlotte
Hat's Meow, Punta Gorda
Every Jewsh "Bobe" knows the recipe for "Tuna Luck Shen Gro Sing Guhs" (from
the Chinese-Kosher Cookbook by Ruth & Bob
Grosman)
Sombrero Syndrome" is an epidemic urge to top off the
Florida vacation with a huge "hut" (hat) you'll never wear again.
When
visiting Sawgrass Mills, the 2.2 million square feet mall, be sure to note
exactly where you parked your car (Red Snapper, Blue Dolphin, Yellow Toucan,
White Seahorse, Pink Flamingo).
Husbands never ask driving
directions to Shell World...or the Swap Shop. Use your GPS.
When the
National Weather Serice says that So. Florida is experiencing an "ejection
of moisture" coupled with "a strong clockwise circulation" around a high-pressure
system, it means that it's going to be generally rotten.
In searching for
the perfect condo to purchase, you must give yourself time. You can't stop
on the way to the airport to buy a condominium.
In Florida real estate
jargon, a large family room is called a "Great Room."
Those young Generation
X cashiers employed at eating establishments along S. Federal Highway consider
anyone over "fuftsik" (50) to be a senior citizen.
Snowbirds are called "shneyfeygelekh"; Snowflakes are known as "shneyelekh."
The
classified ads in Florida make for great rainy-day entertainment. This
ad actually appeared in a Key West news- paper:
NOW HIRING FOOD SERVERS. JOB REQUIREMENTS: BREATHING: BOTH INHALING AND EXHALING.
Two college professors in Florida have developed a compound that gets rid
of yeast infections, athlete's foot and diaper rash, ALL WITH JUST ONE
DOSE. (Boy, if you've got all of those conditions, you'd better check
into the nearest health facility!)
Shell Man is a deco emporium filled with corals yanked out
of the peaceful and astounding depths and lined up on dusty shelves beneath
florescent lights. Who
else but a tourist would bring home a toilet seat with seashells laminated
deep within?
A Chickee Hut is a thached roof shelter originally developed
by the Seminoles; now most common at outdoor Happy Hours.
NoSeeUms are
biting insects, perhaps more pernicious than the mosquito as they seem
to be invisible.
You have missed the live soap opera series, "All
My Tattelehs", but check out the Kravis Center in West Palm Beach "Fiddler
on the Roof" with TOPOL will be appearing from April 14-19. And
Tovah Feldshuh will appear in"Golda's Balcony' on Feb. 11.
Miami International
Airport has a meditation room.
Beware of the Condo Commander (AKA "a Gantseh
Makher"). Marnie Winston- Macauley defines a "GM" as follows: He
made a few bucks selling whoopee cushions, so suddenly he's Trump. Syn.
K'nocker. The Condo Commander has been defined as follows:
n. An egocentric person on a condo- minium's board of directors
who rules by intimidation, putting his/her interests ahead of others, abusive
to the property manager and any board member who gets in the way. Dominates
meetings, won't let others speak. Can be prone to angry outbursts.
Accept
the fact that your "bobe" and "zeyde" will reminisce. "Sha" while
they tell you in that 1954, when the Fountainbleau first opened its doors,
Safeway Air Travel advertised $35 flights to New York, and gasoline sold
for 29 cents a gallon.
________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe spends the winter
in Lake Worth, Florida.
___________________________________________ Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:
"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction? Yiddish
Trivia." To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com
