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*The Yiddish word for blue is "bloy"
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*The Yiddish word for blue is "bloy"
We've all faced cancelled flights, delayed flights and missed connections. And then there's the lost "bagazh", too-small-for- some seats, and the lack of airline food.
Now LET'S IMAGINE if we could get an interview with David Neeleman, of JetBlue.
"Gut morgn," Mr. Neeleman. I just flew in from Florida aboard JetBlue. 'Der dank' for the interview."
"I hope that you enjoyed your low-cost flight. We're really trying to distinguish ourselves from the large carriers by treating customers with a lot more respect and being a whole lot more cool. Did you notice the flight attendants dress?"
"Yes. They're pretty spiffy."
"I guess I need not remind you that People's Express, Air One, Air Chance, and Tower Air all failed."
"True. But I've got the experience. Did you know that I was president of Morris Air when I was 24 years old?"
"Morris Air?"
"Yes, Morris shuttled Utahans to warmer climates of California and Hawaii in the winter. And now we have a new daily nonstop service between Westchester Airport in White Plains and Orlando, Florida."
"And what's with the 'blue edibles?'"
"Instead of trapping customers in their seats while flight attendants serve hot meals on trolleys, we serve baskets of snacks like blue potato chips and blueberry muffins."
"Did you read what the late Art Buchwald said about JetBlue?"
"No. But I know you're going to tell me!"
"Well, first he said that Lindbergh brought his own meal when he crossed the Atlantic Ocean. Then he said that your advertising agency came up with a campaign: 'Fly JetBlue and bring your own food.'"
"What else did he say?"
"He said that a man named Harry Gilmush stopped at the Stage Delicatessen on his way to Florida on JetBlue. He purchased a corned beef and chicken liver sandwich with sauerkraut on garlic bread, a giant green pickle, a piece of homemade cheesecake, and two bottles of cream soda. Your agent then asked him if he had packed it himself. Harry replied that he hadn't; the Stage Delicatessen had packed it."
"Yes?"
"Well, your agent wouldn't let him board because the dill pickle was considered to be a lethal weapon. The agent asked, 'Do you know what our passengers would do if they knew you were eating a dill pickle. They would kill you."
"Does JetBlue have a rule that no one can fly on their planes if they carry a dill pickle?"
"Of course not! We've had passengers carry the Stage Deli's celebrity sandwiches: DiMaggio (corned beef, pastrami, 'gehakte' liver and Bermuda onion), the Matthew Broderick (corned beef, turkey and Muenster cheese) or the Halle Berry (salami, tongue and pastrami). However, I would NOT suggest that passengers carry soup made by Al Yeganeh (the "soup Nazi") or Nova Scotia lox from Zabar's. That's risky."
"Do JetBlue pilots give their passengers any special instructions?"
"Yes. They announce: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain. Passengers are reminded that opening doors or windows in order to touch the face of God may result in loss of cabin pressure...and last one off the plane must clean it."
"What book would you recommend that JetBlue travelers read before boarding an airplane?"
"I would suggest Terry Denton's book titled, NEVER SAY 'HI, JACK! IN AN AIRPORT AND 101 OTHER LIFE-SAVING TRAVEL TIPS."
"I overheard one of the crew use the acronym, BWIA. What does it mean?"
"Baggage Wandering In Africa."
"How would you define jet lag?"
"The best definition: finding your wallet in the SubZero refrigerator and not remembering what you did with the milk."
"What's the strangest answer you've ever heard when a passenger is asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your 'bagazh' without your knowledge?'"
"If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
"What the difference between 'Got' and pilots?"
"God doesn't think he's a pilot."
"What are some of the greatest lies in aviation?"
"I'm 22, got 6,000 hours, a 4-year degree, and 3000 hours in a Lear. And 'I'm always glad to see the FAA.'"
"Do passengers often compliment a flight attendant?"
"Yes. Just recently, a satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the flight attendant. She said, 'I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time. It's not often that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will. I'm going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am.'"
"Azoy?" (So?)
"The flight attendant answered, 'Why thank you, sir. But I think you should know--this is yesterday's flight'"
"Does JetBlue plan to put yoga instructions in the seat-back pockets?"
"No! But have you noticed that the airport terminal has installed punching bags? It's an anti-stress measure."
"Do you own a Blackberry?"
"Yes. I get a report sent to my Blackberry at 2 in the morning--so as soon as I wake up I can look at how many calls we took yesterday, etc."
"How do you feel about JetBlue's VALENTINE'S DAY HOSTAGE CRISIS?"
"We took out full-page apology ads."
"I assume that you read this blog:
Nothing says 'I Love You' like being held hostage on a frozen plane with the man you love, 99 strangers, 4 other people you happen to know, 4 screaming babies and 3 rambunctious kids running about, nothing but chips and soda for sustenance, faulty power, unreliable direct TV and overfilled sewage system for 11 hours.
"Can we talk about something more pleasant?"
"How did you feel when David Letterman dedicated the majority of his opening monolog to roasting JetBlue?"
"I accepted the blame for meltdown, pointed out that the airline has definitely learned a great deal from this experience. This has been a big wake-up call for JetBlue."
"Did you read that Suze Orman spends between $300,000 and $500,000 a year on corporate jets?"
"Yes. 'Aroysgevorfine gelt.'" (a waste of money).
"What's your reaction to 'tsaytung' (newspaper) headlines which read:
SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERTS SAY
PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD
YOUR LUGGAGE WON'T GET LOST IF YOU LEAVE IT IN YOUR CLOSET
"Zei(t) gezunt. (Good-bye). I've got to get to "der fliplats" (the airport)." _____
Marjorie Wolfe agrees with Andy Rooney ("Out Of My Mind"), "I keep reading airline ads offering special, low-cost deals on certain flights. I have a suggestion for something they ought to include in their lower fares offer. They ought to charge less for anyone who has to sit in a middle seat. Maybe they ought to build thinner airlines without any three-across seating. There would be no middle seat."
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