YOU SAY "EPL" AND I SAY APPLE:
LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF
by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York

Who can forget Ira's lyrics:  "potato-- potahto, tomato--tomahto..."

Interesting trivia:  The original song sheets didn't have phonetic pronunciations in them so the first British singers recorded the song as "Potato, potato, tomato, tomato!  Let's call the whole thing off!" And they were all bewildered why this became such a big hit in the U. S.  Without the right "loshn" (language), the song fell flat.

Here's part of the original lyrics:

Things have come to a pretty pass, Our romance is growing flat, For you like this and the other While I go for this and that.

Goodness knows what the end will be; Oh, I don't know where I'm at... It looks as if we two will never be one, Something has to be done.

You say either and I say eyether, You say neither and I say nyther; Either, eyether, neether, nyther, Let's call the whole thing off...

In November, 1983,  there was an editorial cartoon  which showed former President Reagan and Congressman, Tip O'Neill.

Reagan sings, "You say 'Gren-ay-da,' I say 'Gren-ah-dah.'"

O'Neill sings "You say 'Invada,' I say 'Why Botha?'"

Reagan and O'Neill sing together "Gren-ay-da, Gren-ah-dah, Invada, why botha...Let's call the whole thing off."

Fast forward to 2009.  Here's my Jewish/ Yiddish version:

You say "Oy" and I say "Oy Vey!" Man comes into the world with an Oy!-- and leaves with a "gevalt."

You say "vindow" and I say "fentster" You say "batamt" and I say "geshmak" (either, eyether, it's delicious and tasty), Let's call the whole thing off.

You say matzo balls, and I say "knaidlach" You say chicken soup and I say "Jewish Penicillin" You say stuffed cabbage and I say "holishkes" Let's call the whole thing off.

I'm into Instant Messaging (think BRB, QT, B4N, and P911), and you're into "Instant Yiddish," with the staff of The Workman's Circle.

You say "shnaps" and I say "bronfn" You say laughter and I say "gelekhter" You go for "grins" and I go for "tsimes" Let's call the whole thing off.

You say "shofar" and I say chauffeur You say tomato and I say "pompidor' You say "tref" and I say "trayf" You say "Hanukkah" and I say "Khanike" Let's call the whole thing off.

But oh!  If we call "dos gantse" thing off, Then we must part. And oh!  If we ever part Then that might break my "harts."

I play with a dreidel, and you play with a "meydl!" I say the Forward, and you say the "Forvertz" "Oy, is dus a leben" (Oh, what a life.)

I say "Go sue me" and you say "Sue me, sue me!  (What can you do me?) Let's call the whole thing off.

I say "Castle Garden" and you say "Kessel Goddin" I  belong to Cong. Beth Israel in Portland, OR, and you belong to Cong. Beth Israel in Gasden, AL.  How'd you get "farblonzhet"?

I like JDate, and you like "Chai Expectations" I belong to [the motorcycle club], "Chai Riders," and you joined "Yidden on Wheels." What does that reveal? You're no "shlemiel!"

I subscribe to "GantsehMegillah.com," and you subscribe to "Der Bay." OMG, we have something in common!!!

I say "Aha" and say "Hoo-ha!" You like "zumer" and I like "vinter." "Zumer," "vinter," "friling" or "harbst," Let's call the whole thing off.

I attend Bar Mitzvahs and you attend B-A-R-K  Mitzvahs. "Muzzle-tov!"

I like The Great Latke-Hamantash Debate, and you like the JFK vs. Nixon (1970) Debate. You like the slogan, "Send a Salami to your boy in the Army" and I like the Schapiro's wine slogan, "The wine so thick you can almost cut it with a knife."

You love Brighton "plazhe" (beach), and I like Rockaway Beach. You travel on Kosherica's Glatt Kosher cruises, and I travel on Carnival. I fly El Al, and you fly "Air Chance." Let's call the whole thing off.

I define LSD as "lysergic acid diethylamide" and you call it "LET"S START DAVENING." I get a "farkilung"--a cold--and you get "entsindung"--Pneumonia. I use "di bankes" and you call "der mumkhe" (the specialist).

I like "Jewry" and you like "jewelry." You like vanilla and I like "Shirley De Medici's Rum Ice Cream." Shirley De Medici:  (nee Schwartz--'twas on the Isle of Capri that she met him) (Source;  "The Italian-Kosher Cookbook" by Ruth & Bob Grossman)

You say "shtilkayt" and I say "Sha!" Let's call the whole thing off.

I say "VD" means "Voo Den" and you say "Volume Discount" I like "He'Brew"--The Chosen Beer" and you like the new kosher certified, "Simcha Pilsner."

I like Rocky Road "ayzkrem" and you like "Mizrachi Road" I like Jewish country singer, Kinky Friedman, and you like NY Times columnist, Thomas L. Friedman.

You like The Barry Sisters and I like The Andrews Sisters. "Shvester," "bruder," "shvegerin," "lantsman.  Genug!  (Enough!) "Gay avek!" Let's call the whole thing off.

So, if you like "pizhame" (pajamas) and I like wearing "gatkes" You say "fet" and I say "zaftik" I say "gribenes" and you say "schmaltz." Let's call "dos gantse" thing off.

______________________________

I say 'Gren-ah

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