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FROM "AMNIOSYNTHESIS" TO "TESTTUBE": A DICTIONARY FOR DADDY-TO-BE, TIGER WOODS
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FROM "AMNIOSYNTHESIS" TO "TESTTUBE": A DICTIONARY FOR DADDY-TO-BE, TIGER WOODS
Tiger Woods, the golf superstar, is going to be a daddy. He said, "Obviously, we couldn't be happier and our families are thrilled. I have always wanted to be a dad. I just wish my father could be around to share the experience."
Take a Big Issue ("Happy Infanticipating"), reduce it to its silliest elements ("Pas Possible"--Paternity Testing...and " odoralls"), and then spend the next 22 years obsessing about these elements.
Shown below is a list of essential terminology for Tiger and Elin:
Amniosynthesis
A brief report on the progress of pregnancy.
(Mary Ann Madden)
Attachment theory
A child's attachment to devoted care-giver
is essential to lay the foundation with the
rest of the world.
Attraction Axiom
A clean business "kostyum" (suit) attracts
baby burps and "kats" (cat) hairs.
Au Pair
A welcome addition to the family that
doesn't make mother's ankles swell or
give her "harts-brenenish" (heartburn)
Aural Ambiguity
All newborn babies sound alike. But yours
is "dos pisk" (the loudmouth)
Babycise class
An exercise class for infants emphasizing
swimming and other motor activities
Blank slates
Infants are "blank slates." The slates are
filled as infants observe and imitate others,
respond to stimuli, and undergo "khinukh"
(education) and training.
Brat
A child that acts like your own, but belongs
to your "shokhn/shokhente" (neighbor).
Caregivers roulette
The current trend toward young children
having a multitude of babysitters and day
care situations after Mommy (or in some
cases, Daddy) returns to work.
(Isabelle Fox)
Crayollia
"
Sniglet" for the area on the "fridzhider"
(refrigerator) where kindergarten drawings
are displayed.
Crytearian
Child who cries with the slightest
provocation.
(Used on Uncle Don's WOR, NY,
radio show in the '40s)
Depression after Delivery (DAD)
Post partum "dershlogn" (depression).
Disneyland "Tate" (Daddy)
A "Deadbeat Dad" who rarely sees his
children.
Dr. Feelgood
A medical "dokter" who is indiscriminate
about "retsept" (prescription) drugs.
(Paul Dickson)
FAFA
Parental grandfather (Father's father).
(Lisa Simon)
Guiltgelt
The money grandparents slip under "der
tish" (the table) after parents refuse a
tear-jerking request.
(Joseph Nash)
Huggle
Hug + Snuggle
(Paul Dickson)
INSTRUCTIONS FOR NEWBORNS
Note: a "meie kind" is a newborn.
Manufacturer assumes all responsibility for delivery.
Keep newborn in a warm, dry place.
Keep out of direct "zunlikht" (sunlight).
Do not immerse in scalding "heys vaser" (hot water).
Feed at regular intervals.
Do not overload.
Do not staple, fold or mutilate.
Must not be left unattended for long periods of time.
Make adjustments periodically for growth.
Answer all distress calls (even in the middle of the "nakht.")
Administer large doses of love.
With proper maintenance, newborn will thrive and provide a lifetime of enrichment and enjoyment for all concerned.
CAUTION
If directions are not heeded. newborn will malfunction. For troubleshooting information, call
1-800-GRANDMA!
(Sharon Fotta Anderson)
Issue
Lawyer's word for "kinderlech" (children).
Locoparentis
Driving the folks up the wall.
MacSperm
Child conceived with the help of "der
kompyuter" program, "Computer Imaging
Sperm Selection."
Majury
"
Sniglet" for blatant lies and illogic that
mothers use to discourage "sakonedik" (dangerous) activity among chldren.
(i.e. "What if your face freezes like that?")
Manilow music
Songs that seemed to sooth Murphy Brown's baby "zun" (son).
MOBY's
Mommy Older, Baby Younger.
Momilies
Those maxims or homilies offered by mothers to their children as a kind of
moral
discourse on life.
(Ex. "Little children should be seen and not
heard"; "meshugene gens, meshugene
gribbenes (crazy parents, crazy children);"
kleyne kinder, kleyne freydn; groyse kinder, groys zorgn" (Little children,
little
joys; big children, big worries).
One-fish
"eyntsik kind" - An only child.
Odoralls
Toddler's overalls, for obvious reasons.
(Margaret Drye)
Orthodontist
One who prescribes braces for children
and "oremkayt" (poverty) for parents.
(R. W. Jackson)
Parentese
The sing-song exaggerated speech pattern
that people use when talking to infants.
Playdate Rule
Thou shalt not devour the visit by hauling
our children on errands to the dry cleaner,
Kinko's, or your "byuro" (office).
"Shvanger" woman
Pregnant woman who puts up a big front.
Parenthood
Heir-raising experience.
(Ruth Burke)
Quality time
Consistency, stability, continuity, and
individualized attention, as well as warm
and responsive interactions between child
and caregiver.
(Isabelle Fox)
Roswell-Baby Syndrome
Irrational fear that one's infant might be an
alien.
(Herb Martinson)
Rule
Do not nurse a kid who wears braces.
(Johnny Carson)
Stowting
Feeling a pregnant woman's tummy.
(Douglas Adams and John Lloyd)
"Sveter" (Sweater)
A garment worn by a young child when
his/her mother feels chilly.
"nakhes fun kinder iz tayere fun gelt" (Joy from children is more precious than
money.)
_____
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the mother of
three sons and a "bobbeh" to Amanda,
Scott, Shane, and Connor. She suggests
that when Tiger Woods is off the golf
course that he wears paisley ties to conceal spit-up.
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