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*The Yiddish word for passenger is "pasazhir"
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
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US Airway Group, among the first carriers to put advertising on its "zitsort" (seat)- tray tables, now plans to sell ads on air sickness (AKA "barf") bags. The move reflects the latest "hakhnose" (revenue) innovation for the U. S. airline industry.
Airlines now charge for services that were one "umzist" (free), such as coach food, "telefon" (telephone) reservations, and curb-side "bagazh" (baggage) checks. They've also cut in-flight amenities such as pillows and magazines. (Note: When traveling, the writer always carries the latest issue of "Pakn Treger," the magazine published by the Yiddish Book Center in Amherst, Mass.)
Raymond Sokolov (Wall Street Journal) says that [airline passengers] "stoically accepted conditions that surely violate the Geneva Conventions..."
Here's a humorous look at the kinds of ads we MIGHT find imprinted on the "barf" bags:
FEELING "KRANK" (SICK)?
Buy a 7.5-oz. can of "Mashuga Nuts"...and use the empty can as a tzedakah (charity) bank. $14.95.
ARE YOU COMPLETELY "OYGESHPILT"-- EXHAUSTED--FROM TRAVELING ON THE "RED EYE"?
Order Freeda (kosher) Vitamins at 20% off. Friends never let friends pay retail!
MISSING YOUR FAVORITE "ZHURNAL" (MAGAZINE)?
In an economy measure, some airlines
offer outdated journals, with headlines
like "MOLLY PICON APPEARS IN HER
FAMOUS CHARACTERIZATION OF
SHMENDRICK, IN 'OY IS DOS A LEBEN'," and "SHNEYFEYGELEKH" (SNOWBIRDS)
AND 'SHNEYELEKH' (SNOWFLAKES) PAY
OVER $100,000 FOR A HOME IS S. FLA."
Check us out for today's news for Jews.
Heeb Magazine
ARE YOU "ZAFTIG' (BUXOM)?
Do the airlines consider you a plus-size traveler? Do you travel with another large perwson and share "dray" (3) seats? (Most large people don't need two seats, they just need an extra few inches.)
Shed those unwanted pounds. Call America's only 5 Star Kosher Diet. We deliver3 "batamt" (delicious) means and 2 great tasting snacks to your "heym."
KosherZoneChefs.com
TRAVELING WITH A 'BEYBI" (BABY)?
Share the following Jewish Mother Goose rhymes:
"Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star of David"
"Do you know the Muffin Man?
He lives next door to the Matzo Lady."
"What are little boys made of?
Ask the Mohel."
"Three Little Treyf"
"1,003 Great Things About
Being Jewish' by Birnbach,
Hodgman, & Stone, $9.95.
Borders Books & Music
TRAVELING WITH YOUR "HUNT" (DOG)?
Nearly two thirds of Americans take pets on "vakatsye" (vacation)! Afterwards, pamper the "hunt" with a "shampu" (shampoo) and haircut.
On Golden Paws
Paw-rific
U Dirty Dog Mobile
Scruff to Fluffy Dog Grooming
Bark N Bath
FEELING A "SHTIKL' (LITTLE UNDER THE"VETER" (WEATHER)?
Forget the Airborne Cuisine--the $3 - $5 snacks in what Raymond Sokolov calls "The moolah-for-munchies Brave New World Aloft." Try "Abba Zaba"--chewy taffy with a rich cream "fishtashke" (peanut) butter center.
SHPILKES? SITTING ON PINS AND AND NEEDLES? TRAVELING WITH A "KIND" (CHILD)?
Read a "bukh" (book)! Suggestions:
"Yiddish with Dick and Jane" by Weiner and Davilman. $14.95.
"Curious George" by H. A. Rey, Yiddish translation by Sholem Berger. $18.00.
Yiddish Book Center
Amherst, Mass.
LIKE MATZO? WHO DOESN'T?
Order a "Matzo Maker!" It's so easy even a gentile can do it. First, mix together wheat flour, egg yolks, salt, and "vaser" (water) in the handy yarmulke-shaped measuring cup and stirring bowl. Pour one yarmulke's worth of your matzo mixture into Matzo Maker and adjust the cook selector for light matzo (You call that baked?) to dark matzo (OY, burnt again!) Fresh matzo is ready in minutes. $49.95 from Chutzpa Home Electric.
The Cutting Edge, the catalog for the man, woman, and child who has everything...but wants more! (a humor book from the Macmillan Pub. Co.)
ARE YOU A "FRESSER" (BIG EATER)?
Want a cheesecake that is dairy-free, lactose-free, cholesterol-free and Kosher Parve? What could be "beser" (better)? Order Jackie Mason's Famous Broadway Cheesecake. "Gib a kuk" (Give a look) at the label on the box:
"If you spent all your money sending
your
son through law school and upon passing
the bar he says he's decided to be a chef,
look at the bright side: he'll always have
something to eat. You won't; all your
money's gone to the law school. Maybe
your son the chef will bring you a
cheesecake. Or better yet, buy this one.
It's a lot better than a lawyer could
make."
Rhoda's Best, B'klyn, NY
MAZEL-TOV! YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED!
In 2005, the average wedding cost nearly $28,000. Dave Barry ("Dave Barry is from Mars And Venus") wrote, "Oh, yes, there is a lot of pressure on today's bride to make her Big Day fabulous and perfect. Overseeing a modern wedding is comparable, in terms of complexity, to flying the Space Shuttle; in fact it's worse, because shuttle crew members don't have to select their silver pattern. This is done for them by ground-based engineers:
Command Center: Okay, Discovery, we're gonna go with the "Fromage de Poisson" pattern, over?
Just got engaged and getting stressed because you have no idea where to start? Relax! We'll guide you from the minute that shiny diamond is on your finger until that solid band follows it.
BE A CALM KALLAH
Jewish Wedding Planning. Calmly.
2l2-....
_________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe wears a pair of noise-canceling headphones on airplanes;
they block out the sounds of the engine...
and the snorer in 14F.
canceling headphone
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