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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
The airlines have become fodder for humor. Have you heard the joke about President Bush, Dick Cheney and Laura, who were flying on Air Force One?
George looked at Laura, chuckled, and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw 10 $100.00 bills out of the window and make 10 people happy." Cheney said, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people happy." Hearing the conversation, the pilot--a middle-aged gentleman--said to his co-pilot, "Such a bunch of 'knakers' (big shots). I could throw all of them out of 'der fentster' (the window) and make 56 million people very happy." I got on "der telefon" (the telephone) attempting to speak with a representative of Air Chance and received the following recorded message: "Thank you for calling Air Chance. For a 'bisl Yiddish,' Press 1. 1. The world of of travel stands on three things: "oyf gelt, oyf gelt un oyf gelt." (Money, money and money). All of our lines are busy. Please hold for the next representative. (recorded message continues) Air Chance is the airline with the best record for lost luggage. An estimated 30 " milyon" pieces of "bagazh" (luggage) were lost by airlines in 2005; Air chance only lost about 4.2 bags per 1,000 passengers. Should you be one of the "umgliklekh" (unfortunate) travelers who loses his/her " bagazh," we will provide a FREE FLIGHT to Scottsboro, Alabama, to have you visit the unclaimed baggage center. All lost " bagazh" from all the major airlines are sent here, and the center stocks 7,000 pieces a day. (5 minutes later) "Hello. How may I help you?" (His conversation had that saccharin-sweet voice telling me how important my call is.) "I wish to fly from JFK to Denver Int'l to visit my "zun," Daniel, on Mother's Day, May 14.Economy class, of course. I'm 'shporevdik' (economical) and on a tight 'budzhet' (budget)."
(I hear the tsking sound; it's going to be"shlekht" (bad) news.) "Mother's Day. That's a peak travel day. Why don't you book the flight online--on 'der kompyuter' and save a booking fee of $10.32. Just go to Airchance.com." The search took 30 seconds, and Air Chance provided me with a checklist for " a la carte" booking. The ticketing, they say, is all about providing options. The customer may choose what they value. "DER MENYU" of ADDITIONAL COSTS (MACs)Aisle seat $15
Bulkhead seat 15
Window seat 15
Exit row seat 15 Boxed lunch $ 5
Boxed kosher lunch 18
Boxed Passover lunch 18
Note: If you are NOT Jewish and request a kosher lunch, add 18
Check-in fee (per bag) $ 2
Credit Card ("kredit-kartl") fee 5 Headphones Sharing headphones with someone during inflight movie $5
Liquid refreshments He-Brew Beer (per can) $5
Tap "Vaser" FREE Bottled spring water 3
Egg Cream 3
Glass of schnapps 5
Magazines ("zhurnals)/Books
The following magazines are provided FREE OF CHARGE:
"Arthritis Today"
" Mini Truckin"
" Knives Illustrated"
" Kashrus"
" LOULOU" (French version)
All other magazines $3
Pillows $ 1
Pillowcases 1
Wish us a "mazl-tov." We saved
$600,000 last year by eliminating
the FREE pillow.
Safety Pouch (ePassenger Care Travel Kit), a polyethylene, tamper resistant pack, which slides over your luggage and seals it $10 single
Seat Cushions
If you should need to use your seat cushion as a flotation device (God forbid), you will be billed $75 Sleep Medications
Any passenger who takes Ambien, Sonata, or Lunesta, will be charged a $5 fee. We've seen many cases of people on Air Chance who sleepwalk AND SNACK after taking Ambien. Snacks
Mashuga Nuts, 7.5 oz. tin box, filled with pecans (you could die for). $12
Note: You don't have to feel guilty about eating all the contents either - once you do, the tin box can later be used for tzedakah. Jewish Fortune Cookies, 9
individually wrapped cookies filled with Jewish sayings $6.99 Hebrew Bazooka Gum (100 pcs).
Please dispose of it properly. $13.95 Special Seating
If you wish to be seated 2 or more rows away from a "beybi" (baby), $15 If you wish to be seated 4 rows away from a "brust" (breast) feeding child or a child who is teething, $15 Toilet ("der klozet") charge per visit $ 1 Thank you for flying Air Chance. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
_____
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe has flown many
times. On her last flight, she gave the landing a 9--on the Richter scale
| A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M |
| N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z |
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:
"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction? Yiddish
Trivia." To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com
NU, what are you waiting for? Order the book!
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