STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS...
AND OTHER "AITZEH"/"EYTSE" (advice)
by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York The New York subway began its serice on Oct. 27, 1904.  "Ding, Dang, Dong!" is the ever-melodious sound of subway doors, according to Esmeralda Smith-Romero.In Yiddish, the subway is known as "di unterban."The subway has made "di nayes" (the news) - again - thanks to Joe Biden.  He said that he would tell his family members NOT to take any commercial flights and don't ride in any subway.David Letterman said, "Vice President, Joe Biden, said on the 'Today' show that the subways in New York City are not safe because of Swine flu.  Hey, Joe, listen to this--the subways weren't safe before Swine flu." And spokeswoman, Elizabeth Alexander, clarified that the White House is advising just sick people not to travel or ride the subway.  Alexander said the White House is advising against all "unnecessary" travel to Mexico.  "If they are sick, they should avoid airplanes and other confined public spaces, such as subways." Renee McKenna (The New York Times, Metropolitan Diary, May 4, 2009) wrote of her experience in the subway: Dear Diary: I'm descending the stairs of the downtown No. 6 at 28th Street, hard on the heels of a couple clutching their senior MetroCards.   He turns to her and says in pitch-perfect Ralph Kramden inflection, "I'm warning ya, Alice, you're going to another borough!" I spent three years (1955-1958) commuting on the New York City subways while attend- ing New York University at Washington Square.  I understood the rules for riding the train:  No running on the platform, stand clear of closing doors, no smoking, spitting or loud radio play.  Remove your backpack, let the other people exit before you board.  Give your seat to the "alt" (elderly) or disabled.  Do not make eye contact. I read somewhere that the average time spent on a NYC subway is about 25 minutes. During that time we may see a panhandler who stands up in a full subway car and says:  "Ladies and Dzhentlman, sorry to bother you. Hold onto your iPods and cell phones, and beware of chain-snatchers and pickpockets.  You may not believe this, but I come from a nice family.  I was taught that it's good manners to bring a gift when you visit someone's home.  So, this is MY home. Where's my gift?" To prevent boredom, we gaze up at the advertisements and pray for some "eye candy."  And what do we get?

• Posters that warn us:  "If you see some- thing, say something."
  
  
• "Ads from "board certified dermatologist" Dr. Jonathan Zizmor:  "Now you can have beautiful clear skin!  All patients [are] seen by Dr. Z."  Pete Hamill suggested a New York Aptitude Test in the New Yorker, to test prospective public office candidates.  One of the questions is "Who is Dr. Zizmor?"
  
  
• Ads for Daffy's Clothes:  "Getting great prices on designer clothes no longer takes a Miracle on 34th Street.
  
  
• Ad [1997] by Bristol Myers Squib for an anti-bacterial lotion which featured phrases like, "You are the 423 person to touch that pole today...Or, "The turnstiles have at least 11,700,000 germs.  (Have a nice day.)
  
  
• Ad:  [To draw people to ads for an anti- bacterial product]:  "You know anyone named Sal Monella?"

I even recall when the New York transit system began a national campaign pro- moting the ol' ball and chain--the sanctity of marriage.  The get-hitched messages were part of a new marketing strategy fom the abstinence-advocate group, "Campaign for Our Children."  The idea: if teens learn to respect and look forward to marriage, they might not get "shvanger" (pregnant) before they tie the knot.  Perhaps the signs should read:

• "Marriage Works"
• "Kids of Married Parents do Better in School"
• "Married Peple Live Longer and earn more money"
• "Making marrige work is like operating a farm.  You have to start all over again each morning."
• "To marry a woman for her "sheynkayt"   (beauty) is like buying a house for its   paint."
• "Success in marriage is more than finding the right person.  It's also a matter of being the right person."
• "The bonds of matrimony are like any other bond--they take a while to mature."
• "We've had adult "khinukh" (education)  for several thousand years.  It's called  marriage."
• "Living together doesn't improve a couple's chances of staying married.  In fact, it increases the likelihood of divorce by 50%.  In other words, "marriage is like a cold swimming pool, and it's better if you dive right in than to get wet a little at a time."

______________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe's favorite Bette Midler quote:
"I've always said we got married because
there was nothing on TV."
home

Search for Stories Beginning with the Letter

A

B

C

D

E

F

G

H

I

J

K

L

M

N

O

P

Q

R

S

T

U

V

W

Y

Z

___________________________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:

"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!

Yiddish Stuff Jewish Humor Schmooze News More Majorie Wolfe

Principle Jewish Stories All Things Jewish Jewish Communities of the World

Site Designed and Maintained by
Haruth Communications