Alfonse D'Amato, the former three-term
U. S. senator, will be a father again, at age "zibetsik" (70). He
has four children and 14 grandchildren from his first wife. His present wife,
Katuria, is 41.
Mazel-tov, Al. Just heard the "gut nayes" (good news). So, you're
going to become a "tateh." As they say in Yiddish, "Ver volt
dos geglaibt?" (Who would have believed
it?)
As the mother of three and grandmother
of four, I have just two words for you
regarding parenthood: "Siz mir gut!'
(It's great!) Shown below are some
time-tested suggestions/comments which
should be of help to you and Katuria:
The care of "kinderlech" is like golf:
You must have a plan.
The most precious gift you can give your
child is time. Why even Bill Gates took
several days off after the birth of his
daughter and son!
Refrain from kissing the baby when
your beard's all stubbly.
Circumcisions take a week to heal...that
is unless you hire the clumsy mohel that
Elaine found ("Seinfeld") for a friend's
child's birth. If you remember, the
mohel was so high-strung that he
mistakenly bit Jerry Seinfeld's finger.
If Paul Newan, who has just retired at
age 82, can make spaghetti sauce, YOU
can make formula.
There are good nannies and bad
nannies. Don't rent the movie, "The
Hand That Rocks the Cradle." If you
feel the need to invest in a video
monitoring system, you MAY have
chosen the wrong nanny. "Nishtu
gedacht!" (It shouldn't happen!)
Look into "How's My Nanny.com--a new
service that lets a parent keep track of
her nanny's every move. For the $50 fee,
the parent receives a stroller license
plate. If a passerby sees a child being
mistreated, all she has to do is log onto
the web site, enter the plate number,
and spill the beans. How's My Nanny
forwards the e-mail to the parents.
Practice singing the lyrics to the Frank
Sinatra recording of "I Couldn't Sleep
a Wink Last Night."
Remember these two Yiddish
expressions:
"Alleh kinder zeinenglaich tei-er."
(All children are equally dear to parents.)
"Nakhes fun kiner iz tayere fun gelt."
(Joy from children is more precious than
money.)
Even newborns will stick out their
tongues, if they see an adult do it.
Piaget and Dr. Spock would have been
amazed.
Paisley ties and "dirty denim" jeans
(prestained, preburnt or repainted)
conceal spit-up.
It is not necessary to speak quietly when
the "beybi" is sleeping. He/she has to
learn to live in a household with normal
noises.
According to Barak & Elizabeth Moore,"Newborn babies in movies
look about seven months old, and weigh about
twenty-five pounds. Their postpartum
mother seems perfectly refreshed,
made-up and comfortable despite the
gargantuan child she's just given birth
to." The "emes" (truth)? Most women
look pretty haggard after giving birth.
Don't allow your wife to deliver in any
Manhattan or Long Island hospital
which offers a maternity rebate
program--if the mother and child
leave the hospital a day after delivery,
they'll get a $100 rebate from the
regular two-day bill Let Keturia
practice saying, "Ich yog zich nit." (I
am not in a hurry.)
According to Annie Pigeon, wearing a
Snugli is macho. Well-known brands
are introducing more masculine
colors into their lines, and companies
like Diaper Dudes and DadGear have
launched products to meet the demand.
When the baby gets a little "bubu," just say, "Es vet
zich oys-hailed biz der chasseneh." (It will heal in time for the
wedding.)
Using a playpen has become politically
incorrect. They serve mainly as"tsen-minute" (10-minute) holding
pens while Mom and Dad shower.
Sally Berkovic says that she never
bothered with carry-cots during the
first few weeks. The baby was placed
on the bottom shelf of an IKEA
bookcase. She made some room
between S and T; she did without every
edition of Delia Smith and Martha
Stewart!
There's a lot of truth to the Yiddish
expression, "Kleyne kinder freyd;
Groyse kinder, groyse zorgn." (Little
children, little joys; big children, big
worries.)
I read that if you have a boy, you might
name him Alfonse Marcello, Jr. If
you're looking for a funny name for a
daughter, keep this in mind: Ethel is
funny. Sharon is not. Pronounce the
names "Dakota D'Amato," "Free
Seagull D'Amato," and "Zowie
D'Amato." How do they sound? Feh?
Stay clear of androgynous names. "A child fares better in the early
years with a clear definition of being a boy
or girl," says psychologist, Yudit Jung. "A 3-year-old says, 'I'm
a girl because I have long hairand my name is Suzie'"
Child maazine says to avoid foreign-
sounding names unless they reflect
your real heritage. A kid whose family
isn't Italian "might feel at a loss when
asked to explain the origin of a name
like Giovanni.
Others suggest that you Google the
name before you finalize the birth
certificate. You certainly don't want
your child growing up in Lido Beach
with the name of an evil movie
character, a politician you don't like,
or a famous criminal.
Get a prescription for Pfizer's new
drug, "Childagra." Politicians who take
this drug reported a sudden,
overwhelming urge to perform more
child-care tasks, especially cleaning up
spills and "little" accidents. Just kidding!
Although baby's first words are "Buy-Buy," don't join the e-Toy-of-the-month
club. Your child's favorite toy may be a"lefl' (tablespoon), a "lefele" (teaspoon),
or a piece of Tupperware.
In Lido Beach it may be hard--and
expensive--to hire an experienced
babysitter--one who knows which kid
to sit with and which kid to sit on.
Heed the advice of Carrie Friedman
(My Turn, Newsweek, 7/23/07): "Don't
bring your kid to adult parties when
you're not sure if it's kid-friendly. If
they didn't invite your kid, they don't
want your kid there. If you don't want
a babysitter, stay home."
To prevent a severe case of "Kindergarten Acceptance Stress
Syndrome" (KASS), register your baby
at one of New York's finest day schools
IMMEDIATELY after the child's arrival.
Your baby doesn't need a Lido Beach"Hummer House"--an
overly large single family residence--to be happy.
Heed the advice stated so beautifully
in Stephen Sondheim's show, "Into The
Woods": "Careful what you say.
Children will listen."
Happy Infanticipating!
_____
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe believes that in
order to train children at home, it's necessary for both the children and
the
parents to spend some time there.
___________________________________________ Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:
"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction? Yiddish
Trivia." To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com
