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LOU COSTELLO WANTS TO BUY
A "KOMPYUTER"
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
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William "Bud" Abbott and Lou Costello performed together as Abbott and Costello, an American comedy duo whose work on stage, radio, film and "televisye" made them the most popular comedy team during the 1940s. They were a top ten box office draw for a full decade (1942-1952). Their iconic routine, "Who's on First?"--with its rapid-fire word play and comprehension confusion--made them popular with the "yung" and "alt." "Who's on First?" is on permanent exhibit in the National "beysbol" (Baseball) Hall of Fame and Museum in Cooperstown, New York.
F-a-s-t forward to 2011. Lou Costello wants to buy a "kompyuter."
Imagine Costello having to comprehend these expressions:
"ADAM & EVE VIRUS":
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple
computer.
CURSOR:
What you turn into when your "kompyuter"
goes haywire, as in "You #a/o&4% "
kompyuter.
DISK:
What goes out in your back after "finf" (5)
hours at a stretch bending over a
"kompyuter."
RETURN"
What lots of people do with their
"kompyuters" after only a week and a half.
WINDOW:
What you heave your "kompyuter" out of.
Shown below is the Yiddish version of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello's attempt to sell/ purchase a first "kompyuter":
LOU COSTELLO calls on his "tselularer telefon" (cell telephone) to buy a "kompyuter" from Abbott.
---------------------------------------------.
ABBOTT: "Gut morgen." (Good morning.)
Super Duper Kompyuter store.
"Vos macht ir?" (How are you?)
Can I help you?
COSTELLO:
"A dank." (Thank you) I'm setting
up an "byuro" (office) in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a
"kompyuter."
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO:
"Nain!" (No!) "Ich hais/heys Lou."
(My name is Lou.)
ABBOTT: Your "kompyuter"?
COSTELLO:
I don't own a "kompyuter."
I want to buy one "baynt"
(today).
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO:
I told you, my "nomen" is Lou.
(He's "platsn"-- bursting with
frustration).
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO:
Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: (thinks): ""Vos iz mit dir?"
(What's wrong with you?)
Do you want a "kompyuter"
mit (with) Windows?
COSTELLO:
"Dos fentster"? (The window?)
"Ich vais nit." (I don't know.)
What will I see when I look at
the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO:
Never mind the windows. I need
a "kompyuter" and software.
ABBOTT: Software for windows?
COSTELLO:
"Neyn." (No.) On the "kompyuter" I need something I can
use to write proposals, track
expenses and run my business
"besser" (better). What do you
have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO:
"Yo." (Yes), for my office. Can
you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO:
You just did "vos" (what)?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO:
You recommended something?
"Ich farshtai nit." (I don't
understand.) "Zeit azoy gut,
chazert es iber." (Please repeat.)
ABBOTT: "Yo." (Yes.)
COSTELLO:
For my "byuro" (office)?
ABBOTT: "Yo."
COSTELLO:
"Yo" (Yes), for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO:
I already have a "byuro" mit
windows! OK, let's just say I'm
about to "zetsn zikh" (sit
down) at my "kompyuter" and
I want to "tipirn" (type) a
"forshlog" (proposal). What
do I need?
ABBOTT: Word. ("vort")
COSTELLO: What "vort"?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: "Vos" (which) word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the "bloy" (blue) 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'M GOING TO CLICK YOUR "BLOY" 'w' IF YOU DON'T START WITH SOME STRAIGHT ANSWERS. What about financial bookkeeping? You do you have "abi vos" (anything whatever) I can track my "gelt" (money) with?
ABBOTT: "Gelt"? Money?
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you
have? "Makh es kaylekh un
shpitsik!" (Come to the point!)
I need money to track my
money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your "kompyuter"?
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my "kompyuter"?
ABBOTT: "Gelt"--money.
COSTELLO: "Gelt" comes with my
"kompyuter"?
(Thinks): "Er bolbet
narishkeiten." (He talks
nonsense.)
ABBOTTl "Yo." (Yes.) No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a "pekl" (bundle) of "gelt" with my "kompyuter"? "Vifil?" (How much?)
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: I have a "frage" (question):
Isn't it illegal to "kopye" (copy)
money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to "kopye" money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to "kopye" money? "Ver volt dos geglaibt"? (Who would have believed it?)
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper "compyuter" store.
Can I help you?
COSTELLO:
How do I turn my "kompyuter"
off? "Zol ich azoy vissen fun
tsores! Ich zol azoy vissen fun
baiz."
(I haven't the faintest idea.)
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'................
"Farshtaist?" (You understand?)
COSTELLO:
"Oi, G'vald!" (Help! Cry of
anguish.) "Gottenyu!"
(Oh, God!)
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