REVEREND JOAN RIVERS
RABBI RIVERS
by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York

Joan Rivers made headlines recently.  NO, SHE DIDN’T

• do her stand-up routine, “Can We Talk?”
  
  
• act as QVC pitchwoman and hawk everything from costume “rsirung” (jewelry) to thinning-hair remedies
  
  
• talk about her husband’s suicide...”Left in will I have to visit him every day.  Sprinkled him in Bergdorf Goodman!”
  
  
• discuss her daughter, Melissa
  
  
• criticize airline food:  “A terrorist does NOT order a kosher meal.”
  
  
• discuss her many face lifts, her “bankrot” (bankruptcy), and the sacrifices she made as a female performer
  
  
• say, “Life’s tough.  Wear a helmet.”
  
  
• quote this script between Jerry and Kramer in the Seinfeld episode, “The Engagement”:

   “I mean, what are you thinking about, Jerry, marriage?  Family?  They’re    prisons!  Man-made prisons.  You’re doing time.  You get up in the    morning, she’s there.  You go to sleep at night, she’s there.  It’s like you    gotta ask permission to use the bathroom.  ‘Is it alright if I use the    bathroom now?’  And you can forget about watching TV while you’re    eating.”

The headline from Tablet’s article by Stephanie Butnick, read:

   “WANT JOAN RIVERS TO OFFICIATE YOUR WEDDING?  JUST ASK.”

Joan Rivers got ordained online with the Universal Life Church.  Her ordination was called upon on June 30, 2014, at a “tshudne” (weird) location--Barnes & Noble in New York City’s Union Square.

At her book signing for “Diary of a Mad Diva,” Jed Ryan and Joe Arello asked if Ms. Rivers would marry them right in the bookstore.  Rivers agreed.  Someone found flowers.  “Der oylem” (The crowd) of 400 bibliophiles watched as Ms. Rivers conducted a comical, heartfelt ceremony between two men.  They went to the City clerk’s office the next day to get a marriage license, which Rivers signed.

There were no schmaltzy vows EXCEPT...The “Something borrowed” was the flowers, said Joan.  She added, “Something old was me, and something blue was my legs...lt was such a New York thing.  It was great!”

This was her second gay marriage ceremony.  The first was a King Kong theme wedding--on top of the Empire State Building.

NO, JOAN DIDN’T

• recite a wedding HAIKU:

   No, I don’t think that
   Hooters gift certificates
   make good groomsmen’s gifts.
       (Source:  “Wedding Haiku - Three Short Lines for Your Two Important Words” by Eugenie Olson)

• No, JOAN DIDN’T conclude the wedding service with “I wonder if some guy told Elizabeth Taylor, ‘It’s really cool you get divorced every year they have the Olympics.’”
  
  
• No, Joan DIDN’T say, “I now pronounce you husband and husband!  You may update your Facebook status!”

Joan wrote, “What I do love about weddings is reading the announcements in the New York Times.  It’s the highlight of my Sunday.”  She dislikes the new trend called “destination weddings.”  “This is where the stupid--I mean happy couple get married at some far-off island and expect you to fly yourself there and put yourself up in addition to bringing a gift....The invitation always gives you suggestions, as to where to stay.  You have three choices of hotels:  For $1,000 per night you get a room with a whirlpool, sauna and automatic mood lighting.  For $500 per night you get a room with a view of the ocean and turndown service.  And for a buck sixty you get to sleep in a locker in the Greyhound terminal...”
     (Source:  “I Hate Everyone...Starting With Me” by Joan Rivers)

Note:  For those friends and relatives who can’t attend a “destination wedding” IN ISRAEL, your virtual guests will walk  with you down the aisle and stand under the chuppa.  Live Stream Events can take you there virtually.  Sending a video feed to your friends and family outside Israel is done by using a video camera that sends the “simcha” from their internet connected PC, smartphone or tablet.  For information, contact Akiva Tepperman at LiveStreamSimcha@gmail.com.
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MARJORIE GOTTLIEB WOLFE’S mother advised her--in 1958:

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___________________________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:

"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!

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