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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
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In a Gorrell cartoon, we read, "I spent all day clicking this mouse and never got onto the ABAMACARE Website! Which is really frustrating...Because I really need a doctor for this carpal tunnel syndrome."
Home Depot, Inc. plans to end health-care coverage for almost 20,000 part-time employees, instead directing them to government-sponsored insurance exchanges. "VOS IZ DER TACHLIS?" (What does it lead to?) This change will affect about 5% of the company's workforce.
Yes, today's newest illness ("krankayt") is Obama Tunnel Syndrome. The second new illness reported by the AMA is the "Humafixation Obsession: trying to determine Huma Weiner's marital status. My physician said that I should focus less on a cure and more on a treatment that I can afford.
Yakov Smirnoff said way back in 1987 ("America on Six Rubles A Day"), "As you can see, medicine in the United States is a pretty complicated business. Regarding health care, there is one tip I can give you that I learned from my new American friends. They say, 'You absolutely, positively, CANNOT get sick in this country unless you have medical insurance.'" He also explained that when he got sick, he had a choice of entering two hospitals: Smith Memorial Hospital or Johnson Memorial Hospital. He asks, "Now, if they couldn't save Smith or Johnson, what chance did I have?"
And Billy Crystal ("Still Foolin' 'Em - Where I've Been, Where I'm Going
and Where the Hell Are My Keys") wrote about his childhood physician,
Dr. Griboff. He wrote, "I do remember puberty, though I'm not sure I actually went through it. I didn't get awkward, I didn't get a mustache, not
many pimples, no hair on my chest or legs, which led me to believe I was
part Navajo. I stayed small until I was twelve, and right before my Bar
Mitzvah planning started, we went to Dr. Griboff, the family physician (and
also Don Rickles's cousin, which is why we chose him). With Rip and Joel
having already reached 'normal' size and beyond, my mom worried that I was not growing properly. So Griboff X-rayed my growth plates and we waited nervously in his office for the results. When he say down behind the
desk, he said the words that sealed my Yankee fate: 'Maybe five-eight.'...
So he gave me these pills that were supposed to make me hungry, the
theory being 'eat more, grow more.' Well, I ate more, didn't grow more.
I just got fat, bursting through the series of Robert Hall suits that were to be
my Bar Mitzvah ensemble. I gained nineteen pounds in two months and grew one inch...they had to take me off the pills because I turned into a little
white shark"
So, unless you were one of the six people who got through to HealthCare.gov on day 1 (a day later the tally climbed to 248), be prepared to complete a self-evaluation form prior to seeing a new doctor. "Geb a kuk" (give a look) at this sample...and "zindik nit" (don't complain).
"Vi haistu?" (What is your name?)
On what date did you feel "krank"?
"Vu tut dir vai"? (Where does it hurt you?)
Are you in "gehakteh tsores"--utter misery?
Check off which comments apply.
I.
( ) "oysgemutshet" (feeling worked to death)
( ) "kopvaitik" (headache)
( ) "gahakteh tsores" (utter misery)
( ) "farmutshet" (worn out)
( ) "farblondzhet" (distressed/worried)
( ) "tsedrumshket" (confused)
( ) Laptop lust
( ) Lack of "zitzfleisch" (patience)
( ) Wimbledon's disease (impulsive tendency to jump)
( ) "Prairie-dogging" (standing up, looking over office panels and "schmoozing")
( ) Manilow (depression brought on by hearing a romantic song)
( ) "zunshiok" (sunstroke)
( ) "oyerveytik" (earache)
( ) "hust" (cough)
( ) "shilshul" (diarrhea)
( ) "tsiteren" (chills)
( ) Sudden Wealth Syndrome (the identity crisis that comes with overnight riches)
( ) vengeance plastic surgery (surgery performed when a woman has found out that her husband has cheated on her) "A shain ponim kost gelt" (a pretty face costs money.)
( ) Repetitive Christmas Music Syndrome (RCMS)
( ) Dopler effect (the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come to you rapidly)
( ) "Are you sure Guy Lombardo is NOT a back ailment?"
( ) "Can I check the web site, 'Wonderful World of Disease' before filling the prescription?"
( ) "Do you feel that Prozac is like chicken soup--it doesn't cure anything but it makes you feel better?"
( ) "Was Jackie Mason right when he said, 'If a doctor has time to see you, he's no doctor?'"
( ) "Do you think I'm suffering from AIRPORT VIRUS--I'm in Israel and my data is in Singapore?"
( ) "Would you consider me a 'gezunteh moid'--a big, healthy dame?"
( ) "Is it true that 'old trees just grow stronger; old rivers grow wilder every day. but old people, they just grow lonesome, waiting for someone to say, 'Hello in there, hello.'"?
( ) "Is it true that my cholesterol level is higher than my grandson's SAT score?"
( ) "Did you say that I'm 'abdominally challenged'?"
( ) "Could I be an EXERCISE WIDOW--a woman who spends little time with her husband because of his frequent and extended exercise sessions?"
( ) "Does the code 'LOL' mean 'Living On Lipitor' or 'Laughing Out Loud'?"
( ) "Do you believe that 'Der doktor hot a refueh tsu altz, oder nit tsu dales'"? (The doctor has a remedy for everything but poverty.)
And, for the final question, have you ever walked around muttering these lines from "Mrs. Portnoy's Retort - A Mother Strikes Back" As told to David Martin and Harvey Jacobs:
There are two kinds of Jews...business Jews and scholar Jews. In the middle is the doctor, a nice combination plate. That's why we hear so much about Jewish mothers pushing their sons to be doctors. A doctor is one from group A and one from group B, a little business, a little scholar and he can park his car if he wants to, on the mayor's pippik."
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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe says "A laiben ahf dir!"--You should live (and be
well).
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