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Dave Barry was 100% correct when he said, "Guys will generally not seek medical treatment for themselves or for others, except in certain clear-cut situations, such as DECAPITATION."
In marital discord, the big issues are: infidelity, "Got," "gelt," 'di shvigger" (mother-in-law), baby naming, and illness compatibility. Illness compatibility is not something that occurs to people when they search for a mate. However, many spouses tend to drive each other mad when they get sick. This is the result of different attitudes about handling aches, pains or congestion.
Shown below is a not-so-serious quiz to determine whether you and your spouse are "krankayt-compatible." Place a check mark next to any set that accurately describes your relationship with your spouse.
1. I go to the "dokter" at the first sign of
illness.
He says, "Es vet zich oys hailen far der
chasseneh." (It will heal in time for the
wedding...of our first child.)
2. I go for an MRI
He goes for a 401(k) checkup
3. I go for Eastern medicine He goes for Western medicine
4. I take milk for sleeplessness He drinks "Ensurachino Grande" (Ensure--the adult nutritional beverage), which will be served at Starbucks. (term coined by Lenore Skenazy)
5. I suffer from "tennis elbow"
He suffers from "cellphone elbow"
6. I suffer from burning "fus" (feet)
He says, "A ni hoshez she'ani mukable
hatkasat podagra." (I think I'm having a
gout attack.)
7. I suffer from "a farkilung" (a cold)
He suffers from "lungen-entsindung"
(pneumonia).
8. I occasionally worry
He is "worried wealthy" - n. Wealthy
people who order expensive, uninsured
medical tests--as a precautionary
measure.
9. I get a skin rash and apply Calamine
Lotion
He gets a skin rash and contacts a
board-certified dermatologist from the
annual guidebook, "Top Doctors: NY
Metropolitan Area"
10. I drink a "glezel tai" (glass of tea) after
the third sneeze
He drinks Kabballah water--just as
Madonna does-- and goes to
"LehaimChaimHerbal.com" for kosher
vitamins
11. I agree with David M. Bader, who said, "Yiddish has no word for 'golf,' but it has 273 different ways to complain about lower back pain He suffers in silence
12. I go to Dr. Poonim, the plastic surgeon
in comic strip Joe Palooka
He goes to an HMO
13. I say, "Zeit azoy gut, ruft a doktor."
(Please call a doctor.)
He says, "Nemt mich in shpitol."
(Take me to the hospital.). Mount Sinai,
of course, one of the oldest and largest
hospitals in the U. S. In 2011-2012,
it was ranked as one of America's best
hospitals by U. S. News & World Report,
in 12 specialties.
14. I suffer from "e-mail fatigue"--mental
exhaustion caused by receiving a large
number of email messages a day
He suffers from "wallet neuropathy"--
lower back pain caused by sitting on an
overstuffed wallet kept in a back pants
pocket
15, I feel "farmatert" (tired)
He feels "oysgematert" (exhausted)
16. I say it's "Disco digit"--sore or infected
finger, that comes from too much
finger-snapping while dancing
He says, "It's just a sprain."
17. I say, "Ikh vil zen a doktor."
(I need a doctor.)
He says, "Ikh vil zen a spetzyalist."
(I need a specialist.)
18. I belong to the Red Hat Society; my
chapter: W.O.E. (Women Out of
Estrogen) and SWOM--Sophisticated
Women of Manhattan
He belongs to ROMEO--Retired Old
Men Eating Out
19. I say it's just a common foot rash
He says it's "flip-flop dermatitis"--which
is caused by wearing rubber "flip-flop"
shoes.
20. I suffer from heartburn and don't eat
spicy foods
He suffers from heartburn and takes
the "lia" (purple) pill
21. I "power nap" on a La-Z-Boy chair
He sits on pins and needles
("er zitzt of shpilkes")
22. I have "artrit" (arthritis) and take
Tylenol Arthritis Pain tablets
He goes to Dr. Bloom, who is known for
miraculous cures for arthritis. Here's
the story:
Doctor Bloom has a waiting room full of
people when a little "alt" (old) lady,
completely bent over in half, shuffled in
slowly, leaning on her "shtekn" (cane.)
When her turn came, she went into the
doctor's office, and amazingly emerged
within "tsen" (10) minutes walking
completely erect with her head held
high. A woman in the waiting room
who had seen all this walked up to the
little "alt" woman and said, "It's a
miracle ("nes")! You walked in bent in
half and now you're walking erect.
What did the doctor do? She answered,
"Miracle, shmiracle...he gave me a
longer cane."
----------------------------------
Scoring chart:
If you have 10 or more check marks, you
are not "krankayt-compatible."
"A gezunt
oyf dayn kop!" (Be with good health.)
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