the schmooze
The Yiddish word meaning “to invest” is “investirn.”
A “mekler” is a stockbroker.
“mezumen” means cash.
“handlen” means to trade
“funanderklabn” means to analyze
“tsdoke” means charity
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York

Jewish sex therapist, Dr. Ruth Westheimer, was raising “gelt” for the Museum of Jewish Heritage and Living Memorial to the Holocaust, where she is a board member.  The Washington Heights resident lost her parents in the Holocaust.

She played broker to help the charity; she promised her buyers they’d have GOOD SEX if they picked up a lot of her stocks.  She had only one problem:  She used the same trick last year...and Wall Street always wants “mer” (more)!  So she said, “I had to change it to TERRIFIC SEX!

At the same event last year, Westheimer wore a stylish Hermes scarf due to a broken arm.  She thinks the “vund” (injury) may have pumped up the donations.  When someone suggested that she should have arrived this time with a cast, she replied, “No, no, I don’t tempt the gods.  I’m very lucky--I’m 86 and both arms work.”

Perhaps Dr. Ruth should have introduced the following humorous stock market terms.  It couldn’t hurt!

CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.  “Er macht zack nisht visindicht.” 
           (He pretends he doesn’t know he’s doing something wrong.)

CFO - Corporate Fraud (“Shvindl”) Officer

BUPKES BOND - A bond that earns nothing. (Forbes, Side Lines,  Dec. 11, 2006)

BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius (“goen”)

BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period (“khoydesh”) when the kids get no allowance, wife gets no jewelry (“tsirung”), and the husband gets no sex.

BROKER - The person that you trust with thousands of your hard earned dollars.  Hello!    Also, A man who prays to God...and what my broker has made me.

CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet (“der klozet”).  Note:  The Yiddish word meaning “to disappear” it “farshvundn.”

DISCOUNTED STOCK - A stock that is less expensive (“tayer”) than last month and more expensive than it will be next month.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who’s now locked in the nuthouse/mental institution.

MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.

P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

PROFIT - An archaic word (“vort”) no longer in use.

RANDOM WALK - A 1970s author created a portfolio of stocks by throwing darts randomly at a newspaper stock price table.  The dart portfolio outperformed the collective results of a sideways market.

STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer (“advokat”) split your assets equally between themselves.

  Sources:  Unknown.  Circulated by e-mail.

Dear Rabbi,
Is a Jew allowed to buy shares in a company like McDonald’s?  They serve milk cooked with meat and it is prohibited for Jews to derive any benefit from milk and meat cooked together!

Rabbi Rafi Goldmier replied,
“Many major corporations have investments in restaurants, hotels, and food businesses that use mixtures of meat and milk.  And as you said, the Torah forbids deriving benefit from meat cooked with milk.

However, many halachic authorities maintain that since you have no rights of ownership in the actual products, rather you only have dividends from the company’s investments, it is permitted to own such stocks.

Rabbi S. Z. Braun addresses a similar question about owning stocks during Passover in a company that makes “chametz.”  He writes that “since the stockholder has no right to do anything at the plant on his own accord, and certainly has no right to destroy ‘chametz,’ he is NOT in violation of owning ‘chametz.’”  The same would apply to your question, and therefore you can own McDonalds stock.


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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:
yiddish for dog and cat loversbook
"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!

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