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WHAT A “VUNDERLEKH” IDEA!
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“The Jewish Home” newspaper published a piece about the “snobish” (snobbish) French.
In Grenoble, France, a city known as the capital of the French Alps, instead of dispensing “tsukerl” (candy), pretzels, soda, and movies in vending machines, the highbrow French are giving out short stories Apparently the people are “hungerik” (hungry) for short stories, not salty snacks. Is that their way of going on a “diete” (diet)?
Short Edition is a publishing startup company. They’ve installed eight FREE story-dispensing vending machines in some of its most popular public spaces. The screen-less contraptions are the brainchild of Chistophe Sibieunde and Grenoble’s mayor. They hope that commuters and bystanders will make use of these stories to expand and enrich their minds while walking around, rather than tapping their way aimlessly through Facebook or Twitter.
One, three-, and five-minute stories are available; the stories are printed out on long receipt-like paper.
The Urban Dictionary defines a “New York Minute” as “an instant. Or, as Johnny Carson once said, it’s the interval between a Manhattan traffic light turning green and the guy behind you honking his horn.
Another example: “I’ll have that pastrami on rye ready for you in a New York Minute.”
Vending machines dispensing stories; what a “vunderlekh” idea. Imagine if Penn Station offered such a dispenser to the 650,000 people who go through its doors in one day.
Here’s my suggestion for 13 ONE-MINUTE stories:
1. “We lived in a one-bedroom, one-bathroom apartment. Mother, father, older sister, older brother, the mutt fox terrier Spotty, and me. We ate our meals, played cards and board games, did homework, and told jokes in a small area adjacent to the kitchen, called the dinette. I can easily picture my father singing at the dinner table telling us one of his favorite jokes about these three American soldiers, lost and thirsty in the desert during the war. ‘Two of them called for ‘Water, water,’ and this Jewish boy called out---.” My father’s belly laugh drowned out the punch line even though it tried to gurgle to the surface. What’s the punch line? What’s the joke? Please! He’d manage to blurt it out, “Seltzer, seltzer.”
Source: “Arlene Alda (wife of Alan Alda), “Just Kids from the Bronx.”
2. Dear Diary:
In March, I took my toddler for his appointment to our pediatrician on the Upper East Side. In the busy waiting room, we sat next to two well-dressed mothers, who were chatting while their 7-year-old sons played together.
“You’ll have to come over and see my electronic truck!” one boy said.
“Yeah? Well, you’ll have to come over and see my new bedbugs!” the other said.
His horrified mother immediately broke out of her conversation and announced to the entire waiting room, “That’s BUNK BEDS, Jack!”
Source: Wendi S. Berger, The New York Times, Dear Diary, 8/29/11
3. The wife of a talmud chacham was killed in a traffic accident on the way back from Meron. The nonreligious driver of the cab she had been in came to the shivah and burst out crying. “It’s all my fault!” he wailed over and over.
The woman’s father told him the family didn’t even remotely fault him.
“As a matter of fact, as soon as the shivah is over we want to go back to Meron, and we want you to drive us”
The man left the house praising Torah Jews.
Source: “Major Impact! 285 Stories with an Immediate Message” by David Kaplan
4. BINGHAMTON, NY
An Orthodox Jewish student has been allowed to pre-record his graduation ceremony speech for Binghamton University’s commencement so he can honor the Sabbath.
Graduating senior Don Greenberg was tapped to speak at Saturday’s commencement, which coincides with Shabbat, when he can’t use electronic devices like a microphone.
Greenberg pre-taped his speech Wednesday.
Source: Associated Press, 2015
5. A fluent Hebrew reader spotted an odd word tattooed in Hebrew letters on the forearm of a man at a Walmart in Bentonville, Ark.
Sruli Schochet said the man, a proud military veteran, thought his ink spelled out “strength.”
Schochet didn’t have the heart to break it to the man that his Hebrew tattoo actually read “matzoh”.”
Source: New York Post, Weird But True, 5/15/15
6. Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood on Long Island. Her neighbor was a very generous black woman who stopped in one Saturday and asked, “Mrs. Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my daughter. Can I get you anything?”
Mrs. Cohen thanked her and exclaimed, “Listen, I have a commuter’s ticket for the LIRR (Long Island Railroad). Why don’t you use my ticket and you’ll bring it back tonight. After all, it’s all pad for - why should you pay extra.” The neighbor thanked her and got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he happened to glance at the ticket and noticed the name “Sadie Cohen.”
“Excuse me, madam, are you Sadie Cohen, the person whose name appears on this ticket?”
The woman smiled sweetly and shook her head affirmatively.
A little suspicious, the conductor asked, “Would you let me compare signatures - would you please sign your name?”
The black lady turned indignantly and snapped, “Man are you crazy?
You want me to write on Shabbos?”
Source: Unknown
7. Ellen Shulman Baker was America’s second Jewish astronaut (after the Challenger’s Judith Resnick).
One day Ellen told her mother (then Queens Borough President, Claire Shulman) that she was studying Yiddish. “I learned eppl,” she said.
“What’s that in English?” her mother asked.
“Apple,” the kid said.
8. A hospital’s consulting dietician was giving a “lektsye” (lecture) to several community nurses.
He said, “the crap that we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is horrible. Fizzy drinks eat your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables are now ‘iffy’ because of fertilizers and pesticides...and none of us seem to realize the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking ‘vaser’ (water). However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous, and all have, or will (likely), eat it at some time in our lives.
Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food is it that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?
A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row raised her hand, stood up and said, “WEDDING CAKE.”
Source: MediJokes.com
9. In November of 2015, International maestro, Zubin Mehta, 79, conducted the Israeli Phiharmonic--as he has for almost “fertsik” (40) years--at Carnegie Hall. So, what’s the story?
In 1977 Egypt’s Anwar Sadat visited Jerusalem. Quite historic. It made headlines worldwide. To return the favor, Zubin said: “I will go to Cairo with the Israeli Philharmonic. We will conduct a symphony in Sadat’s name.” Prime Minister Menachem Begin to Zubin Mechta: “And what instrument do you play?”
10. No senior can resist Bubbie’s subtle blend of Ben-Gay and meat balls. After 10 years of research and development, Calvin Klein has just (2007) unveiled its new “parfum” (perfume): Bubbie. Company executives explained that the new product launch is designed to capitalize on the much sought after over 80 female Jewish market and they have even enlisted many seniors to assist in the advertising and marketing campaigns.
At a press conference, the spokesmodel for the new product, 82-year-old mother of four and grandmother (“bobbeh”) of “11 of the most beautiful grandkids in the world--you would just die if you saw them,” Ethel Sapperstein expanded, “Bubbie is perfect for just lounging around the house, playing cards, or for meeting that “spetsyel” (special) someone for dinner at the Early Bird Buffet. No senior can resist “Bubbie’s suble blend of Ben-Gay and mint chocolate.”
Insiders at the perfume manufacturer will be monitoring the success of their new product closely, and based on its results, may launch a companion cologne to go with Bubbie, initially slated to be called Eau de Zadie. We are still in what we call the ‘fragrance development’ stage,” explained Chief Perfumer, Steven Mitchel. “I obviously can’t get into specifics but some of the aromas that we are currently experimenting with include whiskey (“shnaps”), herring, and shoe polish (“shukh foylish”).
Some of Calvin Klein’s competitors are jumping on the senior scene bandwagon and are coming out with elderly perfumes of their own. There are unconfirmed reports that industry giant Channel will soon be launching their own product named Aunt Frieda. As a promotion, each bottle of perfume will come with a five dollar bill and a note attached which will read, “Use the perfume in good health, and don’t spend my gift all in one place sweetheart.” Source: Kevin Ray, “Calvin Klein Bottles Old Person Scent: “Bubbie.” www.aish.om
11. A stove or oven was called an “oyvn” in some parts of the Yiddish- speaking world, a harube or rube in others, and a petshke in others, depending on whether the word for it came from German, Ukrainian, or Russian.
Who doesn’t know the old joke about the Jew in New York who is terrified when, he asks who is knocking on the door of his apartment and is told, “The viper.”
“The who?” the Jew asks, trembling.
“Ikh bin der vinde viper,” the answer comes. Source: Philologos@forward.com
12. Jews change their names. Bennie becomes Bryan, Sammy becomes Scott and Weiss becomes White.
There’s a classic one-minute story about Augustus Schoenberg, a prosperous (“bliendik”) German Jew. Schoenberg in German means “beautiful mountain.” Moving to Italy and for whatever his personal reasons were, he changed it to “belle monte”--again beautiful mountain. Finally, he comes to the U. S. and acquiring huge investments and real estate (“grunteygns”), this time anglicizing it, he became Augustus Belmont. Recognize the name, Belmont, from the famous racetrack that bears his name.
The desire for acceptance into the gentile world, is, as we know, not uncommon today, as it was not uncommon even centuries ago.
13. Jeannette Catsoulis reviewed the 95-minute film, “Checking Out” for The New York Times:
“Marinated in egg cream and garnished with lox and onions, ‘Checking Out’ is more sitcom-ready Jewish than a weekend in the Catskills circa 1950. Based on a 1976 play by Allen Swift, the movie revolves around 90-year-old Morris Applebaum (Peter Falk), a retired Shake- spearean actor for whom every moment, even his death, is a perfor- mance. In response to a letter he has sent advertising his imminent suicide, Morris’s grown children converge on his luxurious New York apartment, dragging their emotional baggage and a repertory of corny one-liners with them........
Natural has never been one of Mr. Falk’s guiding principles.
Dashingly accessorized with homburg, cane and red velvet capelet,
he delivers every line to an imaginary balcony and makes Morris’s
audience his own. But by the time the curtain falls, the only people
likely to be verklempt will be those who paid for tickets.”
Source: New York Times, Film in Review, Sept. 15, 2006
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