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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
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Comedian, Jerry Seinfeld, says “Marriage should be like leasing a car. You should be able to give it back after five years.
You just go:
ʻHOLD IT. HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.ʼ
Henny Youngman said, “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”
And then thereʼs the conversation between Jerry and George on “Seinfeld”:
“Frank, come here.”
“You come here.”
“Georgieʼs getting married.”
“What?”
“Georgieʼs getting married!!!”
“Get the h---- outta here. Heʼs getting married?”
“Yes.”
“To a woman?”
“The Big Wedding” is a new movie starring Robert De Niro, Diane Keaton, Susan Sarandon, and Robin Williams. Frank Lovece (Newsday) wrote, “...this movie plays like an episode of ʻGilliganʼs Islandʼ done as straight as an episode of ʻLost.ʼ”
Yes, itʼs bridal season. Since so many people now travel on the information superhighway and communicate via e-mail, hereʼs a version of the wedding plans for one Long Island couple.
DEAR BRIDAL PARTY:
FROM TIME TO TIME IʼLL BE COMMUNICATING WITH YOU ABOUT HOW THE
WEDDING PLANS ARE PROGRESSING VIA OUR HOME PAGE. NO MORE
SNAIL MAIL. AS EUGENIE OLSON WROTE, (“WEDDING HAIKU - THREE SHORT
LINES for YOUR TWO IMPORTANT WORDS”):
One bridesmaidʼs six-two,
Oneʼs pregnant, and oneʼs fifteen
Where does a bride stqrt?
Hereʼs the key to my Smileys:
:-) Smile
:-( Frown
:-& Tongue Tied
:-* Oops
8-) Excited
As you know, Jon followed the practice of asking my father for my hand in marriage. You know dadʼs sense of humor He said, “Sorry, but you canʼt have just the hand; youʼre going to have to take the whole girl.”
:-X Kiss
:ʼ-) Happy and crying
:-/ Skeptical
#:-) Bad Hair Day
:D Big Grin
The wedding announcement will appear in The New York Times and our local paper, The Syosset Advance.
Following the advice of M. G. Lord, it will contain our weights, blood pressures,
and cholesterol counts. Weʼve omitted the fact that I graduated from Youngstown
University with a degree in Mall Management, and that Jon graduated from the
Sy Syms School of Business at Yeshiva University. Enough with the one-liners
like: “You can enroll in September and pay X, or wait 30 days and pay less.”
Rabbi Robert Alper, the worldʼs only practicing clergyman doing stand-up comedy, will perform the wedding ceremony. Rabbi David Benedict, who married Fran Drescher on “The Nanny” wasnʼt available. :D
Weʼve already received an espresso machine from Starbucks, a tea kettle that plays “Oyf Mayn Khasene” (At My Wedding) when its contents boil, a Sanyo Wake-Up Shaver, and a cordless electric corkscrew.
Mom gave me Susan Gordonʼs book, “Wedding Stories: When and How Great
Marriages Began.” Did you know that Jack Benny and Sadie Marks met at a
Passover seder, when Benny was the guest of Sadieʼs cousin Zeppo Marx?
Sadie fainted just after the rabbi pronounced them man and wife--and then spent
part of her wedding night watching her new husband on-stage in a Chicago show.
And David Ben-Gurion and Paula Munweis, met at the home of a Manhattan “dokter” (doctor). She offered to do research for a book he was working on. “I want only two things,” he later told her: “Eretz Yisrael and you.” :D
I bought a copy of Andrew Schlossʼs book, “Cooking With Three Ingredients” (not counting salt, pepper and water). :D
WEDDING REGISTRY
Jon and I have done away with wedding tradition and are not registered for china and silver. Instead, weʼve registered at Staples and a few local exercise equipment stores. We really need a plasma TV and a TRX Rip Trainer resistance-cord workout system.
DRESS
Unlike Hillary Clinton, whose wedding dress was plucked from a rack on the eve of the ceremony, Iʼve ordered a slk Italian Renaissance wedding dress sgown with pleated sleeves, tucked with beaded Alenco lace from Kleinfeld. No Bridal Dress Trauma! 8-)
Iʼm glad to report that my two matrons of honor have chosen to be dressed in High Noon (pale orange), and the six bridesmaids in Conch (fleshy pink) and Cherub (dusty pink). :-@ Jonʼs momʼs dress is Lava (dull neon-orange/orange brown). The skullcaps have been dyed High Noon. (Jon refers to a religious skullcap for women as a “Yamaha”).
WEDDING CEREMONY
Weʼve requested that no one in the wedding party throw, fling or hurl uncooked rice. Yes, we know that rice is a symbol of fertility! However, we request that you throw birdseed. That way, birds are well fed and thereʼs nothing for the “shammes” to sweep.
DANCING
DANCING is the art of getting your feet out of the way faster than your partner can step on them. Although Jon and I were NOT the winners of this seasonʼs Dance-A-Rama Northeast Division, we have made some progress. Weʼve hired Billy IDO--a popular singer at Long Island weddings--and a DJ.
MAKEUP
AUNT MYRNA will be in charge of “kosmetik” (make-up). She uses a new line of basics, “Eastern Block; itʼll make you look like you never spent a day outside of California. If youʼre wearing “ironclaws”--those new permanent indestructible nail tips--please use pale “oranzh” (orange) polish.
HAIR
NO #:-) for members of the wedding party. Even though we canʼt offer expensive haircuts by celebrity clipper Frederic Fekkai or Christophe of Beverly Hills, we will have available--for emergency use only--jumper cables for re-styling. Just kidding!
CHILDREN AT THE RECEPTION
Unlike IKEA, the furniture store, our synagogue does NOT have a Ballroom for children. Therefore, no children were invited to the wedding “tseremony” (ceremony) or to the reception. We agree with Iris Murdoch: “The entry of a child into any situation, changes the situation.”
ETIQUETTE
As you will note on your invitation, the outside envelope and the inside envelope are made out to Mr. and Mrs. so and so. Unfortunately, during this much-heralded recession, we CANNOT allow you to invite your POSSLQ, “SIGNIFICANT OTHER,” or “MAIN SQUEEZE.” Our “budzhet” (budget) just doesnʼt allow it.
PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT
Just in case youʼre wondering, we donʼt have a prenup! However, Iʼve agreed NEVER to fax a pie from Pizza Pious and call it a meal! Weʼve both agreed to rememberthe Yiddish expression, “Man un veib zeinen ain leib” (Husband and wife are like one flesh.)
“A dank” (Thank you) for helping to make our wedding a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
Love,
Amy
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