WAKE UP AND SMELL "DI KAVE"*
*The Yiddish word for coffee is "kave"

by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York

Each of us will face a "tog" (day), an "sho" (hour), or a "minut" (minute) that changes everything. For many, that day was September 11, 2001.

On Monday, September 11, I'll call my 38-year-old "zun" (son), Daniel, who resides in Denver, CO. Our conversation will cover a) his job; b) the "veter" (weather); c) Jdate, HurryDate, Matchmaking Moms, and Frumster--which brags that in four years 500 members had met and married; d) Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur; e) Andre Agassi; f) the October opening of the Denver Art Museum's new addition, designed by architect Daniel Liebskind; and g) funnyman Jackie Mason's quote said after Jews for Jesus used his shtick to recruit new members: "As everyon e knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami."

I'll share with him what I've heard about " Shopping! The Musical," which is playing in San Francisco. The show has hilarious lampoons of shopping at wholesale houses like Costco. Under the title of "Shopping with style," we see a person who buys a " zeks-yor" (six-year) supply of "tualet papir" (toilet paper) and carts his stuff home in a Bekins "lastoyto" (truck).

Then I'll discuss a Mapquest, which helps people find their favorite "hunt" (dog) foods at Costco:

FROM:

COSTCO ENTRANCE to DOGFOOD

Directions:
1. Start out heading EAST past the silos of sauerkraut.
Distance: 2.6 miles
2. Head NORTH past the woman giving out copies of John Grisham's THE KING OF TORTS.
Distance: 3.1 miles
3. Pass the PYRAMIDS OF 9-VOLT BATTERIES.
Distance: 1.9 miles
4. Turn LEFT at the WATERMELON PARTY PACKS.
Distance: 6.7 miles
5. Make a U-TURN at the PIZZA SHOP.
Distance: 1.2 miles
6. Dog food will be on your RIGHT, seven stacks up.

Total Estimated Time: 11 hours, 9 minutes
Total Distance: 15.5 miles

Then I'll remind Dan of the Yiddish expression, "Fun handlen in gas mit klaineh zachen ken men kain groisseh gliken nit machen." (From peddling small goods on the streets you don't make big fortunes.)

Oh, yes, then our conversation turns to food. I 'll tell him that I just bought a 1964 book titled, "The French-Kosher Cookbook" by Ruth & Bob Grossman. My favorite recipes: "Vichyssoise De Madame Pompadour" (Madame Pompadour is the famous shiksa with the famous shaytel); " Fahshlugenuh Duck Flambe" (Fahshlugenuh means the "helpful" neighbor who gave you a cutting of ivy for the garden and it turned out to be the itchy kind); and "Bei Mir Bist Du Shon Bouillabaise" (Bei Mir Bist Du Shon means I didn't see anything wrong with your old nose).

And, finally, this being September 11, we'll reminisce about his "kindhayt" (childhood) friend, Laurence Polatsch,who died on September 11, 2001. Laurence was an equities trader at Cantor Fitzgerald. He lacked for "chutzpah." His mother, Linda, says that "He was charismatic and fun-loving, and made everyone feel terrific."

Laurence successfully crashed the Plaza Hotel wedding of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones. One day while browsing at a "zhurnal" (magazine) store in downtown Manhattan, the actress Julia Roberts stopped by. Mr. Polatsch said, " hi," then asked her out "for dinner or a cup of coffee." The "aktrise" (actress) paused, then declined--but made a point of thanking him. A few months later, in an " Entertainment Tonight" interview, Ms. Roberts wondered over the airways why she did not go out with that guy who tried to pick her up by the magazines.

Mr. Polatsch called the show, which then broadcast him re-enacting his proposition at the same store. Remembering the incident in an issue of Esquire magazine, Ms. Roberts recalled that "there was a certain charm to his chutzpah."

Laurence also ate with "aktyor" (actor) Jack Nicholson before security guards asked him to leave.

Although Dan wasn't on Long Island, many people attended Mr. Polatsch's "denkmol" (memorial) celebration in Woodbury, where he grew up.

I'll end the conversation by saying, "I love you, Dan."; I'll have tears in my eyes. As they say in Yiddish, "Altsding lozt zich ois mit a gevain." (Everything ends in weeping.)

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___________________________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:

"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!