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"AKHT MILYON" NEW YORK STORIES
(8 Million New York Stories)
George M. Cohan said, "Living outside of New York is like living in a tent--to a New Yorker, anyplace outside of New York is Bridgeport."
John Steinbeck said, "New York is an ugly city, a dirty city. Its climate is a scandal...its traffic is madness...its corruption is murderous. But there's one thing about it. Once you have lived in New York and it has become your home, no place else is good enough."
And since 1998, "Sex and the City," has depicted New York as a city filled with romance, high fashion, beautiful architecture, and great shopping."
Yes, there are at least "akht milyon" New York stories; here are just a few very "spetsyel" ones.
(Aug. 3, 1994, NYX Metropolitan Diary) Scene: The Metropolitan Museum. This time it's Leonard S. Levine who does the eavesdropping as two middle-aged women try to wend their way into one of the more crowded galleries.
"I hink we can skip this section," one of them says. "It looks like the beginning of his Early MISHEGOSS Period."
(1993) The other day, when Bruce Funk was driving in a Jewish section of Flushing, Queens, he noticed that, whether by accident or intent, the marquee of the Main Street Cinemas announced:
NOW PLAYING
THE OY LUCK CLUB
Overheard by Sylvia Weisman of Jericho, L.I. in the boys' clothing department of Barneys New York, a young fellow to his parents: "Will we be having a Vietnamese table at my bar mitzvah?"
4/10/96, Metropolitan Diary Dear Diary, Trying to fit holiday food shopping into my tax season schedule, I rushed into my supermarket in Bayside, Queens, and asked the first clerk I spotted, "Where is your Passover aisle?"
She thought for a moment, then answered, "I'm sorry, but in this store we just mark down."
Janice Temple
Rabbi Robert (Bob) Alper wrote to the Metropolitan Diary: Dear Diary: Seeking ticket information for the show playing at the Houseman Theater, I phoned the box office at 967-7079. In my haste I mistakenly dialed 867-7079.
Pleasant voice: Good morning. Me: Good morning. Is this "Too Jewish"? Pleasant voice: No, it's the New York Athletic Club.
Jacqueline Haberfield wrote to the Metropolitan Diary: Dear Diary: Cousin David (28, single, dentist) phoned the florist to send flowers to a friend in South Carolina. The florist asked for his name.
"David Weinstein," my cousin answered.
"And the person to hom the flowers are going?"
"Kate Anderson."
Then came the operator's reproving response: "She doesn't sound Jewish."
8/14/06, Metropolitan Diary Dear Diary: When I gave the waitress my order at a deli on the Upper West Side, she pointed out that she was new here. Later, I discovered how new when I asked for coffee and rugleach.
"Rugelach coffee," she said as she wrote on her pad.
I clarified my order: "Coffee and rugelach."
"Rugelach coffee," she repeated.
"And rugelach," I said.
"Rugelach," she said again, to let me know that she had gotten my order right.
A few minutes later the regular coffee arrived--by itself.
When I realized that the rugelach wasn't coming, I got the attention of the waitress and brought her over to the cake and cookie display case to show her the rugelach I was talking about.
"This," I said to her, "is regular regulach."
I can't imagine what her reaction would have been had I ordered decaf with rugelach.
Paul Jackson
(July 30, 2001, Metropolitan Diary) Dear Diary: I was helping out a tenant who operates a kosher take-home food store and had to pick up a hot pan of chicken. I had only one rag towel and asked an employee, who is Mexican, to please hand me another. He looked at me and I repeated my request, but I could see he didn't understand.
Just then the manager came up and said: "Ask him for a shmatte. He doesn't know what rag towel means." (Shmatte is rag in Yiddish.)
I asked the manager why he didn't teach him English words. The employee, who overheard the exchange, said, "I thought shmatte was English."
Arthur Palgon
The Playbill from the show, "Jewtopia,"
contained a Yiddish glossary for Bad Jews
and Gentiles.
Who's Who
Abba (father)
Eema (mother)
Goyim (non-Jewish people)
Schpilkas (a flood of emotion); it really
means "pins and needles"!
Oct. 10, 2005, Metropolitan Diary
Dear Diary:
As Yom Kippur approaches, I recall the time,
some years ago, when my son, Shlomo,
then 7, slipped into the synagogue pew next to his father during the holiday
service in Woodmere, N.Y.
Shlomo was a little bit late, and he had missed the rabbi's announcement that charitable pledges made by the congregants would be read aloud. All he heard was: "Mr and Mrs. Adler, $200; Mr. and Mrs. Berger, $150; Mr. and Mrs. Davis, $500."
Shlomo listened raptly, then excitedly asked, "Hey, Dad, did we win something?"
Nomi N. Zomick
An ex-GI, undergoing an examination for appointment to the New York police force, was asked, "If your beat was a lonely path in Central Park, and a beautiful 'yingeh tsats-keh' (a young doll) rushed up to you and declared that a strange man had suddenly grabbed her, and hugged and kissed her, what would you do?" The GI replied without hesitation, "I would endeavor to reconstruct the crime."
Financier Otto Kahn one day drove past a modest storefront that sprted a sign: "Abraham Kahn, Cousin of Otto Kahn." The tycoon called his lawyer, who threatened he store owner with a suit unless the sign was taken off. Not long afterward, Mr. Kahn asked his "shofer" (chauffeur) to drive by the store again. As the limo slowed down, the financier saw that the old sign was gone. In its place was a freshly painted one: "Abraham Kahn. Formerly cousin of Otto Kahn."
Bob Dole made a campaign stop at the Stage Deli and chomped into a pastrami "sendvitsh" in front of the cameras. Soon after, analysts at Restaurant News America surmised that if Dole could eat a sandwich with his one good hand, the Stage must be getting stingy with its meat. Stage Manager, Gil Kashkin, said that Dole's aides asked him to make a "kleyn" (small) sandwich because of his disability.
On a New York "unterban" (subway) a Jewish fellow noticed an African American sitting opposite him reading a Yiddish newspaper. After puzzling over this for a while, he approached the other and tapped him on the shoulder. "Excuse me, Mister, are you Jewish?" The African American looked up, shrugged, and said, "That's all I need?"
A group of students at a nursery school are being escorted to a parking lot. A precocious 3-year-old shouts, "There's Sadie. There's Sadie. There's Sadie." The teacher becomes alarmed since no one in the family, including the au pair, is named Sadie. In a matter of minutes the enigma is solved. Up pulls a Mercedes 450SL.
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