3-MINUTES OF THERAPY
DON'T "HAKN A TSHAYNIK"*

*In Yiddish, "hakn a tshaynik" means "to be long winded, boring"

by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York

Over the years, Jews--and non-Jews--have been offered these "vertful" (valuable)  services:

  Three Minute Math Three Minute Theology Three Minute Gym Three Minute Pick-Up Rules   Do you want to shake my lulav?   Do you want to spin my dreidel?   Are you my messiah, because I've been waiting for you? Three Minute HAMLET Three Minute Scrub (for nurses) Three Minute Depression ("Dershlogn")   Cure Three Minute Speed Dating (meet 25 potential dates in one "nakht")

And for several years, "Ask Happyshrink"
was a mental health information advice, and humor website.  Three sample letters of advice--all humorous--are shown below:

Dear Happyshrink,
Why do Jews tear the ears off Mickey Mouse caps??      
         Edna

Dear Edna,
Jewish people don't tear off the ears, we cut them off.  It's neater and quicker, Edna.
Just wait till you find out about circumcision!
       Happy(snipsnip)shrink

Dear Happyshrink,
Driving home from work today a rabbit darted out in front of my car.  I couldn't stop  The rabbit died...Does this mean I am pregnant AGAIN??
       Edna

Dear Edna,
With your luck, I think it probably does mean you are pregnant.  Congratulations Bubba!       happy(staysawayfromrabbits)shrink

Dear Happyshrink,
If Jewish people don't have a Christmas tree...where the hell does Santa put the presents???
        Edna

Dear Edna,
Jewish people are not big on presents.  We prefer that Santa leave cash, checks, or money orders.       happy(HanukkahGelt)shrink

The August 31, 2009, issue of The New York Times carried an article by Vincent M. Mallozzi about "speed shrinking."  A panel of eight psychiatrists and psychologists offer three-minute sessions to those whose
regular therapists were on "vakatsye" (vacation) or to anyone else needing a very fast dose of "eytse" (advice).  One of the therapists, Jonathan Fast, is also a professor at Yeshiva University.

Jews appear to have "gehakte tsores"-- literally troubles compounded.  Jackie Mason ("The World According to Me"), wrote,

  I went to a psychiatrist.  I'm not ashamed to admit it.  It's because I didn't know who I was.  He took one look at me and said right away, "This is not you."

  I said, "If this is not me, then who is it?"
  He said, "I don't know either."

  I said, "Then what do I need you for?"

  He said, "To find out who you are."

  I said to myself, If I don't know who I am, how do I know who to look for? And even if I find me, how do I know it's me?  Besides, if I want to look for me, why do I need him?  I can look myself...I need a partner ("shutef")?  Ten years ago I'd be glad to look for anybody. Now I'm doing good.  Why should I look for him?  He needs help?  Why doesn't he look for me?"

  He said, "The search for the real you will have to continue.  That'll be a hundred dollars, please."

  I said to myself, "If this is not the real me, why should I give HIM a hundred dollars?  I'll look for the real me.  Let HIM give me a hundred dollars.

  ...But what if I find the real me and he doesn't think it's worth a hundred dollars? Then I've stuck my money with the real him."

  Then I said, "For all I know the real me might be going to another psychiatrist altogether.  Might even be a psychiatrist himself.  Wouldn't it be funny if you're the real me and you owe me a hundred dollars?"

  I said, "I'll tell you what.  I'll charge you fifty dollars and we'll call it even."

And so, ladies and gentlemen, if you're planning on using the services of a psychologist participating in a speed- shrinking session, don't "hakn a tshaynik."

After the psychologist says, "Sholem aleykhem" (Well, hello), "Vi geyt es?" (How's it going?), or "Vos iz mit dir?" (What's wrong with you?), BE BRIEF! In only 3 minutes you're likely to hear, "Ikh bin a bisl antoysht vos mir kenen nisht a bisl lenger eyner mitn andern redn" (I'm a little disappointed that we can't chat a little longer).

As the Times article states, some whose session has gone past the 3 minutes (they lost track of time), will hear these 20 words:

"Move the line, people.  Believe it or not, someone here has worse problems than you do, if you can imagine."

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___________________________________________
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:

"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish
Trivia."  To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com

NU, what are you waiting for?  Order the book!