37 THINGS A JEWISH MOTHER SHOULD NEVER SAY IN THE OFFICE*
by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
*The Yiddish word for "office" is "byuro."
"Arbet" is the Yiddish word for "work."
Esquire Magazine (Fall 2012) contained an article titled, "Things A Mom Should
Never Say At Work." Examples included:
"You wore that shirt yesterday."
"Nice Botox."
"That's not how we did it at my last job."
"It's called Zumba. I've lost 12 pounds."
So now imagine that you're employed in a large New York City office where
everyone understands a "bisl" (a little) Yiddish. NEVER SAY:
"This new Apple computer gives me 'gehackte tzuris'/"gebrenteh tsoores."
(Grief like you wouldnt believe).
"If I want to give a geshrai (scream), Ill give a geshrai."
"A nar veist men nit kain halbeh aret."
(You don't show a fool something half-finished.)"
You're some "yingeh tsahtskeh" (young girl)! Didn't anyone teach you that the 'circular file' is the garbage can?"
[to boss]
"Me ken nit poter veren!" (You can't get rid of me.) I'll tell everyone that you
eat FREE samples at Costco every day! YOU'RE A "SHPOREVDIK"--
someone who is very thrifty."
"No, I'm not wearing 'Selah Eau de Parfum." (The perfume takes its name from the Hebrew word for "forever.")
"I know it's Dress Down Friday, but stop being such a 'shmatelatnik' (slob)."
"The photocopy machine is broken...AGAIN! 'Cholileh.' (Perish the thought.)
"My annual review? I've got 'shpilkes." (I'm sitting on pins and needles.)
"Max from Accounting is dating Rachel from Human Resources? Oy, a shkandal! (Oh, what a scandal!) He's "khasese gehat" (married)."
"Yes, I called you 'Kam vos er kricht' (Mr. Slowpoke)."
"You act like a 'golem' (mechanical man/robot)."
"Sam can't come to the phone. He's in the 'vashtsimmer far menner' (men's room)."
"Never let me hear you say 'binders full of women."
"I'm 'oysgemutshet' (worked to death)--and paid minimum wage!"
"Have 'rachmones' (compassion). 'Der kompyuter' is down!"
"Stop the 'yatatata' (chattering). It's all "reden rechiless" (gossip). And our sages stated "Gossip kills three: the teller, the listener, and the subject."
"Who do you think you are--a 'k'nacker' (big shot/big wheel)?"
"Sarah Palin wrote on her hand. Nu? So what?"
"So I made a mistake, so what?" (Host du bei mir an avleh!")
"LIFO? (Last In, First Out). "Nisht geshtoigen, nisht gefloigen." (You're not making sense.)
"Bring your Dog to Work" Day? "Nisht gedacht." (It shouldn't happen.)
"Make 'kave'? 'Nit heint, nit morgen!" (Make coffee? Not today, not tomorrow!)
"Hewlett-Packard's new Chromebook II. 'Vifil?' (How much?) "Ich darf es ahf kapores." (I have no use for it.)
"PowerPoint slides? 'Es klapt mir in kop." (It's giving me a headache.)
"You read that ACTIVELY DISENGAGED workers cost the U. S. $450 billion to $550 billion a year in lost productivity?" "Hak mir nit in kop!" (Stop bending my ear.)
"My desk is 'ongepatschket' (cluttered)? Look at yours!"
"A 'konferents' (conference) on Rosh Hashanah?" "Mies un mos; a shandeh un a charpeh." (shame and disgrace)
"Spell Check? 'Eh!" (nothing of importance.)
"It's 5:30 p.m. "Lomir makhn nakht." (Let's call it a day.)"
"Dumkop! (Dunce) Did you say that I have 'fingerspitzentanz'--nimble-fingered dexterity? OK, so I can change a cartridge without inking my fingers!)
Note: "fingerspitzentantz" is a GERMAN WORD coined by Ben Schott in his new book, "Schottenfreude: GermanWords for the Human Condition."
"I don't feel the need to 'act like a man' to get ahead. But thanks for the 'aitzeh' (advice)."
"If you order your lunch by the foot, you should re-examine your relationship with food." (Bill Maher)
"I've had it up to the 'pupik' with you!" (A "pupik" is a bellybutton; it can also mean the gizzard of a bird.)
"Yes, I called you a 'Chaim Yankel'--a mister nobody. Your favorite color is beige!"
("The Yiddish Dictionary of Fools" by Marnie Winston-Macauley)
"Hok mir nisht a chainik." (Stop yakking at me. I can't hear myself think.
___________________________________________ Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of
two books:
"Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers" and
"Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction? Yiddish
Trivia." To order a copy, go to her
website: MarjorieGottliebWolfe.com
