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"DRIVING INSTRUCTOR
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
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His routines are timeless; he takes the "geveyntlekh" (ordinary) and imagines how someone with "hesitant delivery" would handle the situation. He's as funny as he was "fuftsik" (50) years ago.
Newman has been dubbed the "button- down comedian" because of his button-down shirts and low-key style. Although the audience at Kravis tended to be composed of seniors, he continues to pick up new--and younger--fans. If my calculations are correct, Newhart appeared on Johnny Carson's show 87 times, often filling in as guest host.
In an informal interview, I asked my friends to pick a favorite routine of Bob Newhart's: the fictional phone conversation between a political consultant and President Abraham Lincoln...or the final scene from the second Newhart series in 1990. The comedian wakes up in bed with Emily from his first series and says, "You won't believe the dream I just had...I was an innkeeper in this crazy town in Vermont." (The audience starts applauding as soon as they saw the old "shloftsimer" (bedroom) setting from the old show.
Everyone knew the "Abe Lincoln vs. Madison Avenue" routine:
"What else, Abe?...You changed 'four score and seven' to 'eighty-seven'?...I understand it means the same thing, Abe. That's meant to be a grabber...Abe, we test-marketed that in Erie and they went out of their minds..."
However, the #1 favorite was the time- honored monologue titled, "The Driving Instructor." It goes, in part,
"Now that was a wonderful turn...one little thing. Uh, this is a one-way street. Well, now, now, it was partially my fault. You were in the left-hand lane, and you were signaling left, and I more or less assumed you were going to turn left...oh, now we hit someone. Mrs. Webb. Remember you were going to watch the rear view mirror? The red light blinded you? The flashing red light - on the car you hit blinded you? Yes, officer, she was just telling me about it..."
Let's f-a-s-t f--o-r-w-a-r-d to
2010 and Newhart is once again teaching a woman to drive. She's seated
in a 2009 Jeep Grand Cherokee outside of JOURNEY'S
END, a gated, all-ages community in Lake
Worth, Florida. What was the builder
thinking when selecting such a "nomen"?
__________________________________________
Good afternoon, Jennifer. I love your vanity
license plate, ABA2JEN. I assume that means [from] Father to Jen." Yes,
I do
understand a "bisl" Yiddish. Oh, your first
license plate read, "L'CHAIM"--to life. That
was my dad's favorite toast. Uh, you
smashed THAT car? "Nit oyf undz gedakht!"
(It shouldn't happen to us.)
Isn't it remarkable how quickly kids learn to drive a car, especially considering how slowly they catch on to running the lawnmower and "der shtoybzoyger" (vacuum cleaner)?
There's absolutely no place quite like the state of Florida. Warm sands, sunny "veter" (weather), "shneyfeygelekh" (snowbirds) and "shneyelekh" (snowflakes), and "sheyn" (georgeous) people all make the Sunshine State a delightful place to live and a GREAT PLACE TO DRIVE.
OMG, the price of gas has now risen past $3 a "galon." "Fuftsik" years ago it was about 19 cents a "galon."
Before we start the lesson, let's face it: anyone getting behind the wheel not only has his own life in their hands but the life of other fellow citizens, too. Learning to drive with "akhrayes" (responsibility) is "nisht" (not) a laughing matter. It takes time and in most cases, nerves of steel and lots of patience.
You seem a little "nervez." Let's se, your first driving instructor was named Yaacov Yahoo. I assume that his parents met on the Internet! You failed your first driving test--you hit a "fayer" (fire) hydrant outside of Winn Dixie supermarket.
I wonder if you were distracted by the "tselularer telefon" (cell phone) or by the loud music. Were you listening to a CD with any of the following songs?
"Hit the Road, Jack" by Ray Charles "I Can Drive 55" by Sammy Hagar "King of the Road" by Roger Miller or "Dead Man's Curve" by Jan and Dean.
No. Oh, that's good.
Excuse me, are you "borves" (barefoot)? Perhaps you should wear flippers or shoes; it makes it easier for you to locate the pedals.
Let's see, your Cherokee is equipped with a navigation system, premium sound system, "leder" (leather) seats, Bluetooth technology, and heated seats. HEATED SEATS? Why do you need THAT in Florida? It's 102 degrees in the shade!
Now let's get started. Are you going to put on that "zitsort gard" (seat belt)? What are you doing? Oh, you're wiping down the steering wheel with Purell. Good idea.
Turn on the engine. Drive straight ahead and turn left on Jog Road. (Jen gets to the gatehouse and begins sending a text message to her boyfriend):
OMG. I'M LEARNING TO DRIVE. CUL8R. TTFN. JEN
Jen, you're what we adults call a "distracted driver." Webster's New World College Dictionary said that "distracted driving is a sign of the times. Your generation has an ongoing romance with all things digital and mobile. Yes, I know that you're multitasking. My wife has me multitasking every day. While I'm on the exercise bike, I fold the laundry!
Jen, by any chance did you hear the story about 15-year-old Alexa Longueira? She's the "yung" lady from Staten Island who was walking along Victory Boulevard, when she fell into an "ofn" (open) manhole. Why didn't she see it? She was too intent on tappping out a text message and didn't notice the gaping gap in "der tretar" (the sidewalk). She just dropped straight in. Now, Alexa's parents are suing the city. Her mother told MSNBC: "Oh my God, it was putrid. One of her sneakers is still down there."
Did you say, "Zol ikh azoy visn fun tsores"? (I'm not the least bit interested/I should know as much about troubles as I want to know about this.)?
STOP THE CAR; I'm getting out! You know I was once an "khezhbn-firer" (accountant). Yes, I often rounded the day's total up or down using my own pocket money rather than spending two hours reconciling seventeen cents! This job is too dangerous.
"Zay(t) gezunt."
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