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2010: "The Unit I Live In" (Mandy Patinkin)
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
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So, you're ready to buy a "heym." You found a real bargain from Walk2Shul.com, an online real estate listing service which matches prospective buyers and tenants with properties that are within walking distance of an Orthodox Jewish synagogue. The "heym" is "Billik vi borsht!" (Cheap as beet soup). And a low "hipotek" (mortgage) rate, too.
Is it a mother/daughter "heym"? President Obama's mother-in-law, Marian Robinson, lives with the First Family in the White House. The ability to be a part of our grandchildren's lives and watch them grow is a blessing unparalleled. Some say that our children are our investment, and our grandchildren are our dividends.
Phyllis Diller said, "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
Religious families are looking to live in a nice apartment ("dire") or "heym" in a good "shkheyneshaft" (neighborhood), with an eruv, a community synagogue, a kosher butcher, a JCC, and kosher restaurants.
Sam Levenson wrote ("In One Era & Out the Other"),"It took us fifteen years of postmarital savings to earn our own home, a lovely place, equipped with all the latest conveniences...I, me, Sam, formerly Sammy, the kid from the dark tenements who bought the sunlight, can now create his own sunlight, day or night, by pushing a button. Let there be light! Let there be heat, cold, sound, music, pictures."
Ralph Schoenstein ("Every Day Is Sunday - One Man's Lighthearted Search For America's Best Retirement Village"), wrote about buying in Heritage Hills, a gateless community in Northern Westchester:
"I had never grown used to 'unit' as a description of a home. My unit had been K Company of the 60th Infantry Regiment; and I could not imagine Sinatra singing a hymn called, 'The Unit I Live In.' Nevertheless, if I were going to survive in the new America, where a convent in the Bronx was being turned into a condominium, I would have to accept the fact that everything I saw, no matter how leafy or grand, was simply a condominium in progress."
Molly Picon, the petite, effervescent star of vaudeville, lived in Chez Shmendrick: flagstones on the walks, new doors and posts, daffodils in bloom, and Yonkel, unbelievably out at night pruning the trees. Her home was located in Mahopac, New York. She writes, "Whatever I made went into Chez. Septic taks, water pumps. Who knew from water pumps? And everything costs twice what we were told." Source: "Molly! An Autobiography" by Molly Picon with Jan Grillo
The Yid English Dictionary ("The Complete Idiot's Guide to Learning Yiddish" by Rabbi Benjamin Blech, Copyright 2008) writes about the word "Re-Shtetlement: Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding that all of your old neighbors live in the same condo as you." In 2010, the word still applies, but you're probably moving more "tsofn" (north) to Delray Beach, Boynton Beach, Lake Worth, and Wellington--to some gated community with the name, "Valencia" in its title.
And so, we wish the new home buyer a "mazl tov." Shown below are a few human interest real estate stories:
1. A "yung" (young) broker has just started his own real estate office. He rented a beautiful office, had it furnished with antiques and "leder" (leather) furniture, printed all kinds of marketing material, placed ads for an exerienced "farkoyfer" (salesman), and ordered himself a new "oytomobile."
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the broker picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the waiting visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to hook up your phone lines."
2. A real estate salesman had just closed his "ershter" (first) deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.
"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?"
"Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat!"
3. A very "matsliakhdik" (successful) real estate broker had a meetingwith his new "eydem"--son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 "shutel" (partner) in my real estate office. All you have to do is go to the office every day and learn the business."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate office work. I can't stand agents."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the paperwork."
"I hate paperwork," said the son-in-law. I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of my real estate office, but you don't like office work and won't work in an office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!"
4. A broker was dismayed when a brand new real estate office much like his own opened up in a strip mall right next door. He immediately erected a huge sign which read, "BEST AGENTS."
He was horrified when another "konkurent" (competitor) opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading, "LOWEST COMMISSIONS."
The broker panicked, until he got an idea.
He put the "grest" (largest) sign of all
over his own real estate office. It read:
'MAIN ENTRANCE."
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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe has bought two
homes in her lifetime. She says that "This
country is great. It's the only place where
you can borrow money for a down payment, get a 1st and 2nd mortgage,
and call yourself a homeowner."
Marjorie will be speaking at the JCC of the Greater Five Towns (Cedarhurst, NY) on "The Humor of the Jewish Mother" on August 5, 2010.
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