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"FUFTSIK" (50) YEARS OF AGE
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
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When a man has his "geboyrn-tog" (birthday), he may take a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she may take as much as five years off.
Here are 18 reasons why life gets "beser" after 50:
WE'RE OLD ENOUGH TO:
1. Solve S.A.T. questions like this: A mother can complete a paint
job in 5 days when she works alone. With the help of her teenage "zun" (son),
the job can be completed in 3 days. How long will it take the teenager
to do it alone?
A) 6 1/2 days
B) 7 days
C) 9 days
D) Until Spring Break
The correct answer is D.
2. Join the local chapter of the "Royt Hut" (Red Hat) Society, "Goodness Gray-cious."
3. Follow the "eytse" (advice) of Bill Blass: "When in doubt, wear red."
4. Tell "der melamed" (elementary level teacher) that today's it's called "attention-deficit disorder," but we used to call it by the Yiddish word, "shpilkes."
5. Serve our friends "kez" (cheese) with whimsical names:
Yetta's Cheddar, A Bisel Swiss, HAVA-NA-Yarti and Muenster Mensch.
6. Enjoy the "Alter Kaker" Cocktail, a drink consisting of an ounce and a half of Old Granddad "shnaps" (whiskey) and half an ounce of prune juice--on the rocks.
7. Tell our "eynikl" (grandchild), "No chupa, no shtupa"-- Yiddish for "no wedding, no bedding."
8. Know that the first 5 books of Moses are "nisht" (not):
Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, LEXUS, and Numbers.
9. Know the proverb, "On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key."
10. Know to go easy on the tattoos and body piercing.
11. Hold a "B-A-R-K Mitzvah" for my 13-year-old "hunt" (dog) without anyone's "derloybenish" (permission).
12. Attend a money-management lecture... and learn that the leading cause of death in South Florida is "exhaustion caused by house guests from the north."
13. Ignore Jackie Mason's advice: "Before you cook one meal, make 12 deals. 'If I cook today, I don't cook tomorrow. If I cook tomorrow, I'm going to the Carnegie Deli the following "nakht" (night).'"
14. Leave the house, even on Bad "Hor" (Hair) Days.
15. Write a "bukh" titled, "When BAD Knees Happen to GUT People."
16. Realize this: No matter what I do, for my grandchildren, or with my grandchildren, I probably will never be as interesting to them as an iPod. (suggested by Mel Walsh)
17. Recall when no telephone calls were answered between 7:45 and 8 p.m. because the Goldbergs were on the air.
18. "It's 'Beser" (Better) to be Over the Hill Than Under It." (Also a book title by Eda LeShan.)
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