"ZEKHTSN" (16) QUESTIONS FOR DR. OZ
by
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe

Syosset, New York

Others have said, "The best way to avoid the flu is to visit a New York City night club.  No flu bug can live in that environment."  

Dr. Mehmet Oz, the plain-talking doctor who has been a frequent "gast" (guest) on Opray Winfrey's talkshow, now has his own program, "The Dr. Oz Show."  It's loaded with helpful "informatsye."

With tongue-in-cheek, I've imagined the kinds of questions Jews might ask "der dokter" and the answers he might provide:

1.  What is the "Oz Syndrome"?

     First identified by stress relief experts at Wailea--Maui's premiere resort destination--"Oz Syndrome" is an unwillingness to "vakatsye" (vacation) someplace new, despite known therapeutic benefits of a change in environment and activities.

2.  During "di influentsie seson" (flu season) should I forget about kissing my rabbi, the Torah, the ark covers, the mezuzah, and other religious objects?

    Yes, avoid direct lip contact with your rabbi and with public "heylik" (holy) items. Sneeze and cough into a tissue or a bent "einboygn" (elbow), not into "di dlonye" (palm) of the hand.  Coughing--sneezing-- aching worshippers should hold the Yad with a tissue.  Bring your own Tallit.  Or better yet, stay at "heym" and rest.

    Do NOT listen to pundit, Bill Maher's adivce on Twitter:  "If u get a swine flu shot ur an idiot."  Influenza ranks among the 10 top leading causes of death.  Get your shot!

3.  Does less booze mean less achoos?

    Cutting back on "bir" (beer), "vayn" (wine), and cocktails could mean less sneezing, a clearer "noz" (nose) and more comfortable eyes.

    In an eight-year study, women who drank 14 or more alcoholic beverages a "vokh" (week) were much more likely to develop year-round nasal allergies than women who had less than a drink a week.     (Source:  Drs. Michael Roizen and     Mehmet Oz, King Features)

4.  What is "bleachorexia"?

    An obsession with having one's "tseyner" (teeth) whitened.  Excessive bleaching can dehydrate teeth temporarily.  Peroxide, which soaks through enamel to break-up stain-forming molocules, can irritate gums if used too aggressively.  Bleachorexia is a "vort" (word) coined by the American Dental Association.

5.  Is it wise to "opleygn" (postpone) surgery until regular OR hours?

    According to a study appearing in The Journal of Bone and Joint Surgery, patients with after-hours operations have 24 percent more unplanned follow-up operations than those who went under the "meser" (knife) during regular office hours. The reality is that the on-call night surgical team may not be well rested as it is likely they had just finished a normal day shift.

6.  Is it true that medical personnel left foreign objects, most often sponges, inside a patient's "guf" (body) in one out of every 10,000 surgeries, causing complications that can include death?

    Yes.  ClearCount Medical Solutions, Inc. of Pittsburgh, studied the use of tags which emit an identifying signal when prompted by a radio signal.  The technology is "enlekh" (similar) to that used by the airlines to keep track of "bagazh" (baggage).  It sounds an alarm when a shoplifter tries to exit a store.

7.  What is "Obamaphobia"?

    A condition wherein someone suffers from obsessive negative delusion regarding Barach Obama.  Those afflicted are often prone to propaganda of "falsh" (false) rumors about Obama in an attempt to discredit him.  Misquotes, twisting of facts, and contextually inaccurate statements, and flat out lies that play on xenophobic prejudices are staple attacks used by the Obamaphobe.

8.  What is "Cinderelle Syndrome"?

    Women squeeze into "delika" (delicate) shoes to satisfy an old desire to display a "kleyntshik" (tiny) foot--sometimes successfully, sometimes not.

9.  What is "Newyorkitis"?

    Coined in 1901, when one Dr. James Girdner published a book by the same name.  The symptoms of "Newyorkitis" include haste, "gadles" (arrogance), "shpilkes" (restlessness), excitability, "umru" (anxiety), pursuit of novelty and of grandeur.

10. What is "Sombrero Syndrome"?

    Epidemic urge to top off "di vakatsye" (the vacation) with a huge "hut" (hat) that you'll never wear again.

11. What is "Area Code Attachment"?

    In The New Yorker (8/11/97), Louis Menand described Area Code Attachment as a peculiar condition.  It probably represents the difficulty people have acquiring "matsev" (status) symbols in a democratic society.  New area codes have been introduced around "dos land" (the country) and for some people, 212 is the aristocrat of area codes, a number bestowed on New York City.  For some people, the fear of being given a different area code sends a tremor of dread

12. What is "Montessoria"?

   The disorder wherein a child is smarter than either parent and grows more so each day.    (coined by John V. Flowers &    Bernard Schwartz)

13. I am attempting to keep up with the Germ Warfare by washing my hands quite frequently and using a "hant" sanitizer. I'm traveling to Israel this "vinter" and wonder if you have any suggestions on how I can keep well?

    1. [for men]
     Go heavy on the "Hebrute"--Israeli aftershave--and people will stay away from you.

    2.    [for women]
     Wear Calvin Klein's perfume, "Bubbie." Ethel Sapperstein said "it's perfect for just lounging around the house, playing cards, or for meeting that special someone for dinner at the Early Bird Buffet.  No senior can resist Bubbie's subtle blend of Ben-Gay and mint chocolate."

   3. And most important of all, treat the bathrooms in all airlines as if they are radioactive!

    4.  "Yeder Yid vil foren khotsh eyn mol in Leben kaynrets Yisroel."  (Every Jew wants at least once in his or her lifetime to go to the Land of Israel.)

14.  According to one emergency-room "dokter," he sees an uptick in total patient volume during Passover.  Can you explain this situation?

    It seems that the heavy cleaning leading up to Passover--intended to rid the "heym" of chametz--is taking its toll.  Doctors see a little bit of everything:  Dizziness from fumes, slips from buffed floors or wet "vashtsimer" (bathroom) tiles.

15. Is chocolate bad for me?

    Are you "meshuga"?...Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!  It's the best feel "gut" food around.

16. How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

   "Well, if you have a "guf" (body), and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe follows the advice of Joe Queenan ("Life in the Cheap Lane"):
"Make friends with people who have the same diseases as you.  Then steal the medication from their bathroom cabinets."

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