• The leader of Buddhism pleads with everyone to become a Buddhist; that way, they will at least find salvation in heaven.
• The Pope goes on television and shakes his fists to the audience, "It is still not too late to accept Jesus!" he cries.
• The Chief Rabbi of Israel approaches the podium...stands silent for what seems to be an eternity...looks directly into the lens of the center camera and slowly but solemnly states, "My people"...he pauses once again and continues..."We have three days to learn to live under water"...

• He may have created the world, but what has he done since?
• The scientific community cannot replicate his results.
• He never received permission from the ethics board to use human subjects.
• When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
• He rarely came to class; telling the students to, "Read the book."
• Some say he had his son teach the class.
• He expelled his first two students.
• His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountain top.
• Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed.

"Sure," answered G-d with a smile. "Who can he tell?"

The Rosh Yeshiva finally decided to send Yankel to spy on the Harvard team. So Yankel shlepped off to Cambridge and hid in the bullrushes off the Charles River, from where he carefully watched the Harvard team as they practiced. Yankel finally returned to Yeshiva. "I have figured out their secret," he announced.

"They have eight guys rowing and only one guy shouting."

But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.
The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to go to that night. A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.
Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below.

And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!"
So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots --
To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots.

Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side. All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom." Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium...Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel" Milton Pitzel's Zayde?" Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grampa? Zayde?"
"Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered. "Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Zayde, are you happy in the other world?" "Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your Bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!" A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his Zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until "So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."

"Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"

The first bee has an idea.  "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-bee.  "Great!" sez buddy-bee.

The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer.  "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

"I don't think I could have retrieved my hat by myself," said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much!" He then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May God bless you." The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" He decided then and there to go to the racetrack. In the first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. He bet $50 and, sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1, so he bet all his money on that horse. Fedora came in first, as well.

At the end of the day the man returned home to his wife. She asked him where he's been. He explained how he caught the Rabbi's hat, and how he was blessed by him, and how he then went to the track and bet on horses which were named after hats.
"So where's the money?" she said.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, 'chateau' is a house, 'chapeau' is a hat!" exlaimed his wife.
"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka.

 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when everything is written in Yiddish.  And we'll have to start driving on the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs backwards.  But is that too high a price to pay for world peace?  I think not, my friend, I think not.

 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house
as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue............
"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!! Back to the synagogue................. .
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and my children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???" Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice
of GOD himself :

"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE....BUY A DAMNED TICKET".

Fact:
The figure of 600,000 Jews who left Egypt refers only to men between the ages of 20 and 60 with reasonably good credit. (In Talmudic sources the Exodus is frequently referred to as "The Great Consumer flight.")

Fact:
The Pascal Sacrifice may be substituted by a Nietzsche or Schopenhauer sacrifice.

ENGLISH VERSION (See Yeshivish version below)
Forescore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the propisition that all men are created equal.  Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure.  We are met on a great battlefield of that war.  We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live.  It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this...The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.  It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here for the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced.  It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us--that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of their devotion-- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain--that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom--and that the government of the people, by the people, and for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

YESHIVISH TRANSLATION
Be'erech a yoivel and a half ago, the meyasdim shtelled avek on this makom a naiya malchus with the kavana that no one should have bailus over their chaver, and on this yesoid that everyone has the zelba zchusim.  We're holding by a geferliche machloikes being machria if this medina, or an andere medina made in the same oifen and with the same machshovos, can have a kiyum.  We are all mitztaref on the daled amos where a chalois of that machloikes happened in order to be mechabed the soldiers who dinged zich with each other.  We are here to be koiveia chotsh a chelek of that karka as a kever for the bekavodike soldiers who were moiser nefesh and were niftar to give a chiyus to our nation.  Yashrus is mechayev us to do this... Lemaise, hagam the velt won't be goires or machshiv what we speak out here, it's zicher not shayach for them to forget what they tued uf here. We are mechuyav to be meshabed ourselves to the melocha in which these soldiers made a haschala--that vibalt they were moiser nefesh for this eisek, we must be mamash torud in it--that we are all mekabel on ourselves to be moisif on their peula so that their maisim should not be a bracha levatulla-- that Hashem should give the gantze oilam a naiya bren for cheirus-- that a nation that shtams by the oilam, by the oilam, by the oilam, will blaib fest ahd oilam. Weiser, Chaim M.  1995.  The First Dictionary of Yeshivish.  Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, P. xxxiii.