to Keep Score
Below are excerpts about how guys can score points (or lose them) from their gals from "The Game of Romance: How to Keep Score," along with some things that are just expected of guys, therefore having a score of zero:
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It's her father: -10
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for awhile, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8
You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
And the television is off: -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
And you didn't even go to college: -10
And it's not really your underwear: -15
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it's a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
You give her a gift: 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
With her credit card: -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40
You forgot to pick her up at the bus station: -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50
A NIGHT OUT WITH
You have a few beers: -9
For every beer after three: -2 again
And miss curfew by an hour: -12
You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
And not wearing any pants: -40
Is that a tattoo? -200
A NIGHT OUT, JUST
THE TWO OF YOU
You go see a comic: +2
He's crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She's not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25
You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close & personal: -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10
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"We're taking TWA," the man replies.
TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"
The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."
"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"
The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."
"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"
A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"
"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"
"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."
"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"
"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"
"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"
"Oh, not much
really. Just 'Where'd you get that awful haircut?'"
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The magician spent his days devising better and more stupendously amazing tricks in an effort to fool this bloody parrot. One night, as the magician performed his greatest trick of the voyage (lights dimmed, hushed crowd, drum roll), the ship suddenly hit an iceberg and sank.....
managed to cling to a door floating around in the wreckage. In
the morning he noticed the parrot sitting calmly and quietly, staring
back at him, at the other end of the door. For three days the magician
just glowered at him, neither saying a word .... until one
day, the parrot couldn't contain himself any longer and squawked,
"All right ! I give up! What have you done with the ship?!"
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The third guy
says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage
firm. Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a broker, and now he owns the
brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend
$1million in stock for his birthday."The fourth guy comes back to the carts
from the tee box. The other three explain that they are telling stories
about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son
is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL
a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he's gay and
has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends
just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house and $1million in stock for
his birthday."Golfing, anyone?
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1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
5. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs . . . please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brockerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
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"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
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