harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 7

DUH
 Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...

How to Keep Score
Below are excerpts about how guys can score points (or lose them) from their gals from "The Game of Romance: How to Keep Score," along with some things that are just expected of guys, therefore having a score of zero:

SIMPLE DUTIES
 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5
 But return with beer: -5
 You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
 You pummel it with a six iron: +10
 It's her father: -10

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
 You stay by her side the entire party: 0
 You stay by her side for awhile, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2
 Named Tiffany: -4
 Tiffany is a dancer: -6
 Tiffany has implants: -8

SATURDAY AFTERNOONS
 You visit her parents: +1
 You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
 You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
 And the television is off: -6
 You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
 And you didn't even go to college: -10
 And it's not really your underwear: -15

HER BIRTHDAY
 You take her out to dinner: 0
 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
 Okay, it's a sports bar: -2
 And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
 You give her a gift: 0
 You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
 You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
 You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
 You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
 You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
 With her credit card: -30
 And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

THOUGHTFULNESS
 You forgot to pick her up at the bus station: -25
 Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR PALS
 You have a few beers: -9
 For every beer after three: -2 again
 And miss curfew by an hour: -12
 You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
 You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
 And not wearing any pants: -40
 Is that a tattoo? -200

A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU
 You go see a comic: +2
 He's crude and sexist: -2
 You laugh: -5
 You laugh too much: -10
 She's not laughing: -15
 You laugh harder: -25

DRIVING
 You lose the directions on a trip: -4
 You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close & personal: -25
 She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

COMMUNICATION
 When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
 You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10
 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10
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How to Write Good
 1. Avoid alliteration always.
 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
 3. Avoid cliches like the plague - they're old hat.
 4. Employ the vernacular so as to eschew obfuscation.
 5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
 6. Refrain from using ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
 7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
 8. Contractions aren't necessary.
 9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos .
 10. One should never generalize.
 11. Eliminate quotations; as Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
 12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
 13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
 14. Profanity sucks.
 15. Be more or less specific.
 16. Understatement is always best.
 17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
 18. One word sentences? Eliminate.
 19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
 20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
 21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
 22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
 23. Who needs rhetorical questions?
 24. While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must nevertheless keep incessant surveillance against such loquacious, effusive, voluble verbosity in which the calculated objective of communication becomes ensconced in obscurity.
 25. In a sentence, the nouns has to match the verbs.
 26. Don't use no double negatives.
 27. In writing, few things are, so to speak, more infuriating than, say, commas, at least when there are too many of them, or when they should be,say, semi- colons, or even, perhaps, em-dashes.
 28. Proofread your work, so you don't leave some out or forget to finish
 29. Run-on sentences are really bad because the reader saturates and what you really should be doing is using commas and semi-colons and em-dashes and even periods to break the sentence up into more digestible chunks.
 30. To have been using excessively complex verbal constructions is to have been bopping the literary baloney.
 31. A friend I spoken with recently told me he has been forgetting his helper verbs.
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Haircut
A man walked into Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome."ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," the man replies.

TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"

The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."

"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"

The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."

"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"

"Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that awful haircut?'"
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"Parrot and the Titanic"
 The Titanic had just set sail on her maiden voyage. Every night at  the  bar a magician performed the most wonderfully amazing tricks, with  one slight problem. A parrot sat on the bar top and ruined each trick  as  the magician performed. The parrot would sit quietly until the  trick  was almost completed, then say things like, "Squawk! It's up his  sleeve!"  or "Squawk! He's hidden it in the hat!". The same thing happened  each  night. The silly parrot was ruining his world famous show.

 The magician spent his days devising better and more stupendously  amazing tricks in an effort to fool this bloody parrot. One night,  as  the magician performed his greatest trick of the voyage (lights  dimmed,  hushed crowd, drum roll), the ship suddenly hit an iceberg and  sank.....

 The magician managed to cling to a door floating around in the  wreckage. In  the morning he noticed the parrot sitting calmly and quietly, staring  back at  him, at the other end of the door. For three days the magician just  glowered  at him, neither saying a word .... until one day, the parrot couldn't  contain  himself any longer and squawked, "All right ! I give up! What have  you done  with the ship?!"
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Golfing Anyone
Four guys are telling stories while waiting to tee off.   One guy walks up to the tee to hit while the other three are still sitting in their carts. Of the three left, the first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."The second guy says, "I was worried about my son, too, because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, He's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."

The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1million in stock for his birthday."The fourth guy comes back to the carts from the tee box. The other three explain that they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house and $1million in stock for his birthday."Golfing, anyone?
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Job Searching! Keep in mind during upcoming searches.
    The following are taken from actual resumes and cover letters   and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:

    1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive   experience."
    2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
    3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
    4. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
    5. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial    institutions."
    6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
    7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
    8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
    9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
    10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget  details."
    11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
    12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged.    Uninvolved. No commitments."
    13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a    horse."
    14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs . . . please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
    15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely  no one and absolutely nothing."
    16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brockerage."
    17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
    18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
    19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
    20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
    21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
    22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
    23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
    24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
    25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
    26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
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Have Jobs
    And for those of us who already have jobs, these quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations:

    "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

    "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

    "I would not allow this employee to breed."

    "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be."

    "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

    "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

    "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

    "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

    "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

    "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

    "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
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ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND  - Submitted by RuninOnMT
1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
5. ON A CHURCH DOOR:: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
6. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderfulbargain.
7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
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Signs
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
 On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
 On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
 At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
 On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
 On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
 In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
 On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
 On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
 At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
 On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
 At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
 Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
 Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
 At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
 In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
 On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
 In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
 On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
 At the Electric Company: "We will be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
 In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
 On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
 On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
 In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
 Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
 In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
 On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
 In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
 In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
 On a septic tank service truck: "We're #1 in #2."
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