A report from a 9th grader:
Our school campus has
twenty buildings spread over seventy acres. There were two soda machines. Recently
they added a third. I overheard the workers arguing where to put the new machine.
They decided to put it next to the other machine because that way people would
notice it when buying drinks. There was one tiny flaw in that plan. The two
machines sold the same drinks, and the new one cost an extra 75 cents.
When Daylight Saving Time was started on a national basis, I was able to convince one Induhvidual that she had to get up at 2 a.m. to reset her clocks. To do otherwise would violate federal law.
While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not. I mentioned this fact to the cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?"
She replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."
The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..."
That was pretty much the end of learning for that day.
My previous job was with a clothing manufacturer. Every season we would have presentations on the latest fashions from around the world. During one of these presentations, our chief designer held up a pair of jeans that he had purchased in a trendy boutique in London. He told us that they were from a very exclusive designer and were about 200 pounds each.
An Induhvidual from the audience piped up, "200 pounds! How can a pair of jeans weigh that much!"
I called my hair salon to tell them I'd be late for an appointment. I couldn't remember the hair cutter's unusual name, so I said, "I think her name is 'Zora.'"
The receptionist said flatly, "We don't have anybody here by that name." I said, "Check the appointment book and see who my appointment is with."
She checked and said, "Oh,
your appointment is with 'Zoya.'"
So I'm wondering, how many of the six people working there have four letter names beginning with Z anyway?
A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a bar with an older friend. The guy at the door asked for my ID. I gave him my driver's license, which of course had my date of birth printed on it.
He looked at it and said, "You have to be 21 to get in here." I replied, "That ID is a few years old."
He looked at it again for a moment, then said, "Oh, OK" and let me in.
At my previous company in the UK, a Quality Initiative made use of posters around the office featuring parts of motivating words such as 'S CCESS' and 'VAL E'.
This was supposed to make you think that what was missing was 'U' (you). However, to the joy of the staff, a handwritten addition to the posters appeared. It was the single word: 'B LL'.
At a company during the winter months the static buildup due to the dry air from the heating system was becoming quite a problem. People and equipment were getting zapped constantly.
The receptionist was particularly hard hit as people were handing her stuff all day. An enterprising engineer decided to connect a wire with clips on each end from his sock to his shoe to ground the static. He was so proud of himself that he went to the receptionist and proclaimed he had fixed the static problem.
He then proceeded to walk in circles dragging his feet to prove that it worked. He reached his hand toward her to complete the demonstration. A big blue spark flew from his hand to her closest body part (her left breast) and she screamed like a wounded wolverine. It seems the clip had fallen off his sock.
I am a medical student currently
doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this
woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating
ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would
be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that
she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.
There's an automotive tire dealer in town with the following motto painted in two-foot high letters on the storefronts of their several locations:
"If it's in stock, we've got it!"
The receptionist was instructed to call a vendor. Using the vendor's invoice as the source of the phone number she began calling. Each time she called, her phone would ring. When she answered, no one was there. This continued throughout the morning. When later asked if she reached the vendor she explained what was happening and demonstrated for her superior. He noticed that the phone number she was calling (which was on the vendor's invoice) WAS THEIR OWN PHONE NUMBER! She had spent an entire morning calling herself.
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g. "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."
One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message:
"I have a customer by
the balls in toys who needs assistance."
