The journey of a thousand miles begins
with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
I believe for every drop of rain that
falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained
out and a car rusts and...
Follow your dream! Unless it's the
one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell
the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not
lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside
me, either, just leave me the hell alone.
If you don't like my driving, don't
call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department
made so many of them.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.
It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
It's always darkest before dawn. So
if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do
it.
A handy telephone tip: Keep a small
chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold
the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs
up.
Each day I try to enjoy something from
each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group,
the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
Into every life some rain must fall.
Usually when your car windows are down.
Just remember... You gotta break some
eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
When you find yourself getting irritated
with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give
them a noogie or an Indian burn.
If genius is one percent inspiration
and 99 percent perspiration, I seem to always wind up sharing elevators
with a lot of freakin' geniuses.
Women are like small children. You
bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it.
They say you can't really know someone
until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet
or some kinda foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em!
A man's best friend is his dog. That's
assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your
newspaper.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be
one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's
life a living hell for a week or two first.
Winning isn't everything. Winning and
gloating and rubbing their noses in it.....that's everything!
I don't know about art, but I know
what makes me say, "$2000 for that piece of junk?! Are you nuts?!"
People who live in glass houses shouldn't
cavort nude on top of the piano doing gorilla impersonations.
If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter
of little feet, I'd put shoes on my cat.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than
to frown, and even fewer still to ignore them completely.
I believe no problem is so large or
so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
It's a small world. So you gotta use
your elbows a lot.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and
your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
Love is like a roller coaster: when
it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait
to throw up.
I've found a sure way to relieve office
stress:
Step 1: take a deep breath
Step 2: count to 10.
Step 3: set the boss's wastebasket
on fire.
