Remember...these Jokes are
only old if you've heard them before...
Chair An Irishman's been drinking
at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So
the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand
one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh
air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he
stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to
his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his
face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages
to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep
as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife
standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been
out drinking again!!" "What makes you
say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called,
you left your wheelchair there again." top of page
A Man's
Disease The man told his doctor that
he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that
he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I
can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with
me."
"Well, in plain English," the
doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now
give me the medical term so I can tell my wife." top of page
Silly
One Liners on Dating I date this girl for two years--and
then the nagging starts: "I wanna know
your name." Ö Relationships don't last
anymore. When I meet a guy, the first thing I ask myself
is , "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends
with Ö I'm a nice girl. I hate it on the first date when
I ACCIDENTLY have sex Ö You can test people before you
date them,.. Yup. Have them come
to the door. "Hi, ready in a second. Just sewing this button on a jacket.
OOPS. Pricked your finger? I'll get a slide." Ö I just broke up with someone
and the last thing she said to me was, "you'll never find anyone like
me again! I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would
I want someone like you?" ÖÖÖ Ha Ha
Ha ÖÖÖ top
of page THINGS
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME . . . My Mother taught
me LOGIC - like, "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go
to the store with me." My Mother taught
me MEDICINE - like, "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze
that way." My Mother taught
me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know
when you are cold?" My Mother taught
me TO MEET A CHALLENGE - "Where's your brother and don't talk with food in your
mouth. Answer me!" My Mother taught
me HUMOR - "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running
to me. top
of page This
is a true story (maybe) Karen, a Midwestern housewife,
took her first trip to Las Vegas a few years ago. She had done very well
playing the slot machines, winning a bucket full of
quarters. Karen needed a break and she left the casino heading toward
the elevators, taking her bucket with her.
She steps into
the elevator and before the doors shut, three beefy and one slender, leather-clad
African-American men step in. Karen (never having spent much time with
African Americans) clutches her bucket close to her chest.
One of the men says, "Hit
the floor, lady," and she does: quarters fly everywhere. The men
bust up laughing and they help Karen collect her winnings. One
of the men explains that he meant for her to select her floor. They
help her collect her quarters and the elevator arrives at her floor.
She leaves embarrassed, and
the men are still laughing. Later that evening, a dozen roses are delivered
to Karen's room. There is a one hundred-dollar bill attached
to each rose..
The note attached read: "Thank you for the best laugh
I've had in years!" - Eddie Murphy top of page
New
Drugs With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer
is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance
of men in today's society....
DIRECTRA - a dose of this
drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them
to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group
of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA - Men given this
experimental new drug were far more likely to finish a household repair
project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this
drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more childcare tasks
- especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical
trials, 82 percent of men administered this drug noticed that their wives
had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its adverse side
effects extend to noticing new clothing.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact
opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting
U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug
had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports
and converse with other family members.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its
clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible
urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose
turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
LIAGRA - This drug causes
men to be less than truthful when being asked about their affairs. Will
be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strengths. top of page
Self-sufficiency A missionary who had spent
years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient
gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one
thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief
and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the
chief, "This is
a tree." The chief looks at the
tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the
response. They walk a little farther
and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief
looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting
enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he
peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity.
The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the
couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic
and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized
and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood
that way? The chief
replied, "My bike." top
of page Don't
fool with the Proctor Here is a true story someone
found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination
one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes
and Ale. The following dialog ensued: Proctor: I beg your
pardon? Student: Sir, I request
that you bring me Cakes and Ale. Proctor:
Sorry, no. Student: Sir, I really
must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes
and Ale. At this point, the studnet
produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin
and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly
translated): "Gentlemen, sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and
Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student
sat there, writing his examination
and happily slurping away.
Three weeks later, the
student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination. top of page
Viagra A lady goes to the doctor
and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her
a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into
his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week
later she's back at the doctor. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great!! I put
it in the potatoes like you said! It
wasn't five minutes and he jumps up,
rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off
and ravages me right there on the table!" The doctor
says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be
glad to pay for any damages." "Naah... ", she
says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to that Restaurant anyway." top
of page The
Golfer A young man, who was also an
avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured
if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to
head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the
tee and asked if he could accompany
the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he
allowed the old man to join him. To his surprise, the old man
played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently
and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th
fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large
pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the
shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball
right over that tree." With that challenge placed before
him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the
tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally
lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that
pine tree was only 3 feet tall." top
of page Biblical 1. WHEN WAS THE FIRST RADIIO
MADE? When
God took a rib from Adam and made a loud speaker! 2. WHY DID MOSES LOSE THE
RACE? He
was told to come forth. 3. WHEN WAS ADAM
BORN? Just
before Eve. 4. WHO WAS THE
FIRST FINANCIER? Noah. He
floated a company when the world was in a state
of liquidation. 5. WHO WAS THE FIRST MAN IN THE
BIBLE? Chap
number 1 6. WHY COULDN'T THEY PLAY CARDS
ON THE ARK? Noah
was sitting on the deck. 7. WHEN WAS THE FIRST AUTOMOBILE
MENTIONED? When
Elijah went up on high. 8. WHEN WAS MONEY MENTIONED FIRST
IN THE BIBLE? When
the dove brought the green leaf to Noah. 9. WHERE DID NOAH KEEP
THE BEES? In
the Arc-hives. 10. WHEN WAS BASEBALL FIRST
MENTIONED? Gen
1:1 in the Big-inning 11. WHAT DID THE EGYPTIANS DO
WHEN IT GOT DARK? They
turned on the Isrelites. 12. WHO WAS THE GREATEST
PHYSICIAN? Job. He
had more patience than anyone. 13. WHEN WAS THE LONGEST
DAY? When
there was no Eve. 14. WHO WAS THE FIRST AND LARGEST
GUARDIAN? The
big fish. He brought up Jonah. 15. WHY DID THEY NOT USE PAPER
AND PENCILS IN BIBLE TIMES? The
Lord told them they had to multiply on the face of the earth. 16. WHO WAS THE
FIRST ELECTRICIAN? Noah. He
made the ark light on Mount Ararat. top
of page ENGINEERING
LOGIC (If you are not a techie you can skip this one) Q: Which would you rather have:
a crust of bread or a hot roast-beef sandwich ? The answer, of course,
is: " A crust of bread." Why? Because, everyone knows
a crust of bread is better than nothing, and nothing is better than a hot roast-beef
sandwich! (mathematically stated as: COB Nothing
HRBS) See.. wasn't
that easy? OK! Now... using that example,
explain why always ignorance rises to the executive level. ( I'll give you a little time
to think this one over.) top
of page Haiku
Error Messages Imagine if, instead of cryptic,
geeky text strings, your computer produced equally unhelpful error messages in
Haiku: - - - - - - -
- - - - - A file that big? It might be very
useful But now it is
gone - - - - - - -
- - - - - The Web site
you seek cannot be located
but endless others
exist - - - - - - -
- - - - - Chaos reigns
within. Reflect, repent,
and reboot. Order shall return. - - - - - - -
- - - - - ABORTED effort: Close all that
you have. You ask way too
much. - - - - - - -
- - - - - First snow, then
silence. This thousand dollar screen
dies so beautifully. - - - - - - -
- - - - - With searching
comes loss and the presence
of absence: "My Novel" not
found. - - - - - - -
- - - - - The Tao that
is seen Is not the true
Tao, until You bring fresh
toner. - - - - - - -
- - - - - Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of
Death. No one hears
your screams. - - - - - - -
- - - - - Stay the patient
course Of little worth is your
ire The network is
down - - - - - - -
- - - - - A crash reduces your expensive
computer to a simple stone. - - - - - - -
- - - - - Yesterday it
worked Today it is not
working Windows is like
that - - - - - - -
- - - - - Three things
are certain: Death, taxes, and lost
data. Guess which has
occurred. - - - - - - -
- - - - - You step in the
stream, but the water has moved
on. This page is
not here. - - - - - - -
- - - - - Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole
sky, But we never
will. - - - - - - -
- - - - - Having been erased, The document
you're seeking Must now be retyped. - - - - - - -
- - - - - Rather than a
beep Or a rude error
message, These words: "File not
found." - - - - - - -
- - - - - Serious error. All shortcuts
have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are
blank. top
of page The
Inevitable List of Definitions Folks in Silicon Valley often
have way too much time on their hands. Here is proof: ISDN........ It Still Does
Nothing APPLE....... Arrogance Produces
Profit-Losing Entity SCSI........ System Can't See
It DOS......... Defective Operating
System BASIC....... Bill's Attempt to
Seize Industry Control IBM.........
I Blame Microsoft DEC......... Do Expect
Cuts CD-ROM...... Consumer Device,
Rendered Obsolete in Months OS/2........ Obsolete Soon,
Too. WWW......... World Wide
Waiting MACINTOSH... Most Applications
Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs PENTIUM..... Produces Erroneous
Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics COBOL....... Completely Obsolete
Business Oriented Language AMIGA....... A Merely Insignificant
Game Addiction LISP........
Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis MIPS........ Meaningless Indication
of Processor Speed WINDOWS..... Will Install Needless
Data On Whole System MICROSOFT... Most Intelligent
Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers RISC........ Reduced Into Silly
Code GUI..........Gets Users
Irritated WYSIWYG......When Your Screen
Indicates Where You Goofed PCMCIA........People Can't Memorize
Computer Industry Acronyms top
of page If
Microsoft Built Cars At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),
Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we
would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars
that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed
this comment by responding: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice
a day?" IF MICROSOFT
BUILT CARS..... 1. Every time they repainted
the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally your car would
die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and
drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a
maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to e-install
the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept
this too. 4. You could only have one person
in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would
have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car
that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as
easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads. 6. The Macintosh car owners would
get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run
much slower. 7. The oil, gas and alternator
warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car
default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone
to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would
say "are you sure?" before going off. 10. If you were involved in a
crash, you would have no idea what happened. top
of page Dinner A man who lived in an apartment
thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so
a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time
to see a young woman looking down. "Is this
yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival
she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive, he agreed.
Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would
you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely
meal. As the evening was drawing to
a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay
the night?" The man hesitated then
said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "Only those
who catch my eye." top
of page A
Cop Stopped Me A man was driving home
late one afternoon, and he was driving above .the speed limit. He notices a police
car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror.
He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars
are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his
speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls
over to the curb.
The police
officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and
says "Listen
mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give
me a good
excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment
and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When
I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer
and you were trying to give her back to me!" top of page
Pearly
Gates Two priests died at the same
time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get
you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for
about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've
always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains." "So
be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls
this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No,
I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what
you're doing. The week's a freebie." "In that case," says the
second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud.""So be it," says St.
Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the
computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will
you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be
easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with
the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord. St.
Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
