harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 25
On Aging
New Drugs
Pearly Gates
Candy Bar Birth
A Cop Stopped Me
Don't fool with the Proctor Things Mother Taught me Haiku Error Messages
The Inevitable List of Definitions 40 Signs that you're over the Hill The Lost Episode of Star Trek
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
   Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls
through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
   This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
   "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
   "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
   "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
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A Man's Disease
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.  When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain
English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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Silly One Liners on Dating
I date this girl for two years--and then the nagging starts:
"I wanna know your name."
Relationships don't last anymore.  When I meet a guy,
the first thing I ask myself is , "Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with
I'm a nice girl.
I hate it on the first date when I ACCIDENTLY have sex
You can test people before you date them,.. Yup.
Have them come to the door.  "Hi, ready in a second.  Just sewing
this button on a jacket. OOPS.  Pricked your finger?  I'll get a slide."
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
"you'll never find anyone like me again!  I'm thinking, "I should hope
If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?"
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   My Mother taught me LOGIC - like, "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
   My Mother taught me MEDICINE - like, "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
   My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
   My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE - "Where's your brother and don't talk with food in your mouth.  Answer me!"
   My Mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.
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This is a true story (maybe)
Karen, a Midwestern housewife, took her first trip to Las Vegas a few years ago.  She had done very well playing the slot machines, winning a bucket full of quarters.  Karen needed a break  and she left the casino heading toward the elevators, taking her bucket with her.

She steps into the elevator and before the doors shut, three beefy and one slender, leather-clad African-American men step in.  Karen (never having spent much time with African Americans) clutches her bucket close to her chest.

One of the men says, "Hit the floor, lady," and she does: quarters fly everywhere.  The men bust up laughing and they help  Karen collect her winnings.  One of the men explains that he meant for her to select her floor.  They help her collect her quarters and the elevator arrives at her floor.

She leaves embarrassed, and the men are still laughing. Later that evening, a dozen roses are delivered to Karen's room.  There is  a one hundred-dollar bill attached to each rose..

The note attached read:
"Thank you for the best laugh I've had in years!"  -
Eddie Murphy
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New Drugs
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society....

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more childcare tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its adverse side effects extend to noticing new clothing.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and converse with other family members.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strengths.
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 A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.
  He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief,
 "This is a tree."
  The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response.
  They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
  Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
  The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
  The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
  The chief replied, "My bike."
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Don't fool with the Proctor
Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:
  Proctor: I beg your pardon?
 Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
 Proctor: Sorry, no.
 Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
  At this point, the studnet produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen, sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

 Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
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 A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she's back at the doctor. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five
 minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the table!"
 The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong.
 The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
"Naah... ", she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to that Restaurant anyway."
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The Golfer
A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
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     When God took a rib from Adam and made a loud speaker!
      He was told to come forth.
       Just before Eve.
      Noah.  He floated  a company  when the world was in a state of liquidation.
      Chap number 1
      Noah was sitting on the deck.
      When Elijah went up on high.
       When the dove brought the green leaf to Noah.
      In the Arc-hives.
       Gen 1:1  in the Big-inning
       They turned on the Isrelites.
       Job.  He had more patience than anyone.
        When there was no Eve.
       The big fish.  He brought up Jonah.
       The Lord told them they had to multiply on the face of the earth.
       Noah.  He made the ark light on Mount Ararat.
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ENGINEERING LOGIC (If you are not a techie you can skip this one)
Q: Which would you rather have: a crust of bread or a hot roast-beef sandwich ?
The answer, of course, is: " A crust of bread."
Why? Because, everyone knows a crust of bread is better than nothing, and nothing is better than a hot roast-beef sandwich! (mathematically stated as: COB Nothing HRBS)
See.. wasn't that easy?
OK! Now... using that example, explain why always ignorance rises to the executive level.
( I'll give you a little time to think this one over.)
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Haiku Error Messages
Imagine if, instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced equally unhelpful error messages in Haiku:
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful
But now it is gone
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
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The Inevitable List of Definitions
Folks in Silicon Valley often have way too much time on their hands.
Here is proof:
ISDN........ It Still Does Nothing
APPLE....... Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI........ System Can't See It
DOS......... Defective Operating System
BASIC....... Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM......... I Blame Microsoft
DEC......... Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM...... Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2........ Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW......... World Wide Waiting
MACINTOSH... Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM..... Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL....... Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA....... A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP........ Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS........ Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS..... Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT... Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
RISC........ Reduced Into Silly Code
GUI..........Gets Users Irritated
WYSIWYG......When Your Screen Indicates Where You Goofed
PCMCIA........People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
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If Microsoft Built Cars
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by responding: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to e-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
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A man who lived in an apartment thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?"
and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As
she was very attractive, he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."
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A Cop Stopped Me
 A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above .the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"
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Pearly Gates
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans.  What'll it be?"

 The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."  "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

 The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"  "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing.  The week's a freebie."  "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud.""So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

 A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.  "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

 "Why?" asketh the Lord.  St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

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