Star Trek Lost Episodes
transcript Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success
with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you
been able to access their command pathways?" Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found
the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing
technology." Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears
on the computer screen. Riker looks puzzled: "What the heck is
a 'Microsoft?'" Data turns to answer: "Allow me to explain.
We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows,' through the Borg
command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
system resources at an unstoppable rate." Picard: "But the Borg have the ability
to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage
capacity?" Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows'
detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade.' The use
of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be
able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will
be taken over and none will be available for their
normal operational functions." Picard: "Excellent work. This is even
better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea." ... 15 Minutes Later ... Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed
the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85%
of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected
'upgrade.'" Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an
increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no
indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase." Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again
and determine if there is something we missed." Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason
for the failure in the 'upgrade.' Apparently the Borg have circumvented that
part of the plan by not sending in their registration
cards. Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting
permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F..." Geordi, excited: "Wait, Captain I just
detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!" Picard: "Data, what do your
scanners show?" Data: "Apparently the Borg have found
the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU
capacity." Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this
'Solitaire' can reduce their functionality." ... Two Hours Pass ... Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the
Borg?" Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting
to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each
time they successfully increase resources I have set up our closest deep space
monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft
Fun-Pack'. Picard: "How much time will
that buy us?" Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow
me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours." Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered
our sector." Picard: "Identify." Data: "It appears to have markings very
similar to the 'Microsoft' logo!" Over the speakers: "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL
GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION
OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL
ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS
TO COMPLY." Picard: "Why are the Borg not raising
defenses?" Data: "78% of Borg resources are currently
being used in attempts to break their 'Minesweeper' record." Data: "The alien ship has just opened
its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects." Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the
alien craft!" Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans
floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they
survive deep space?!" Data: "I don't believe that those are
humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying
something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases,
and wearing Armani suits!" Riker and Picard together, horrified: "LAWYERS!!!" Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers
were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the
Great Awakening."
Data: "True, but apparently some must
have survived." Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg
ship and are covering it with pieces of paper." Data: "I believe that is known in ancient
venacular as 'red tape'- it often proves fatal." Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to
pieces!" Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't
stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that." ... 2 hours later in the briefing room
... Picard: "Where did we go wrong to cause
such a hideous catastrophe?" Data: "Sir, our archives on late Twentieth-century
computing technology indicate there was once a challenger to 'Windows' on earth
code named 'Borg'. Later known as 'OS/2 for Windows'. Riker: "You mean this Admiral Gates
thought the Borg were his ancient competitors?" Picard: "It would appear so." But whatever
happened to this 'OS/2?'" Geordi: "I believe I can help here Captain.
'OS/2' had many of the features of our 25th century computers but this Admiral
Gates successfully gained unusual power from the Government through something
called a consent decree. With it, and a brainwashing technique called "Marketing",
he destroyed OS/2. He even combined these tactics with the guise of a friendly
investment to infiltrate and destroy another competitor of superior technology
called "Macintosh." Picard: "He did this without weapons?" Data: "Not quite Captain, he had an
early pre-cursor to our phasors, something called 'Vaporware.' And there is
no known defense against this weapon. It could, potentially, still take over
any system.
Riker: "Captain, if you'll excuse me
I'm feeling ill."
Picard: "Yes, Will, I think we're all
feeling ill. But this incident must serve to warn us and the entire Federation
how dangerous it is to awaken this Admiral Gates and his monster 'Windows.'
Geordi, prepare an emergency report to Starfleet command. Briefing adjourned."
No one notices that Data's eyes glow
a faint light blue flag...
