Remember...these Jokes
are only old if you've heard them before...
Picabo
Street Did you hear that when Picabo
Street was taken to the hospital for her broken leg last week, the hospital
was so impressed with her that they named a wing after her? The Intensive Care Unit is
now, officially, the Picabo ICU! top of page
Silly
Definitions acoustic: instrument used
in billiards ascend: [you know] bar stool: what David Crockett
stepped in cherub: furniture polish collapse: how an audience
reacts to a performance commentator: undistinguished
potato cognac: what a yak puts ice
cream in dilate: to live long diploma: the person who fixes
the pipes dulcet: inferior tennis elliptical: a kiss rheumatic: upper apartment senile: reason for going
to Europe staple: Irish church tower tangent: man returned from
the beach toupee: Dutch treat violin: bad hotel top of page
All
in Good Fun oink oink Date: Monday, April
06, 1998 9:00 AM Now I'm bettin' somebody's
thinking I would be talking food.... If you've not seen this before, try
it.I was very surprised at how accurrate I thought the interpretation. (Right
up there with Myers/Briggs!) Have fun!
THIS IS QUITE
INTERESTING! YOU MUST NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU DRAW YOUR PICTURE.
NO CHEATING, NOW. YOU WILL FIND THIS VERY INTERESTING IF YOU DRAW
YOUR PICTURE FIRST! On a blank piece of paper draw a pig. Then
scroll down and read the interpretation of your pig!! Draw
your pig first! And don't look at the next part until you are done! It
won't be fun if you look first.
YOU'RE CHEATING;
I KNOW IT! DRAW THE STUPID PIG!!! The pig serves as a useful
test of the personality traits of the drawer. If the
pig is drawn: Toward the top of the paper, you are positive
and optimistic. Toward the middle of the paper, you are a realist. Toward
the bottom of the paper, you are pessimistic, and have a tendency
to behave negatively. Facing left, you believe in tradition,
are friendly, and remember dates (birthdays, etc.) Facing
right, you are innovative and active, but don't have a strong sense
of family, nor do you remember dates. Facing front (looking
at you), you are direct, enjoy playing devil's advocate and neither
fear nor avoid discussions. With many details, you are analytical,
cautious, and distrustful. With few details, you are emotional
and naive, you care little for details and are a risk-taker. With
less than 4 legs showing, you are insecure or are living through a
period of major change. With 4 legs showing, you are secure,
stubborn, and stick to your ideals. The size of the ears
indicates how good a listener you are. The bigger the better. OK,
who didn't draw a tail? top
of page
Accounting
Fun by Zakikhani.Mack 'Tis the Season' to make
fun of those people who are only trying to help us save money. What's the definition of
an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a
way you don't understand. How do you know you've met
a good tax accountant? He has a loophole named after him. What does an accountant Do
for birth control? He talks about his business. What's an extroverted accountant? One
who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own. What's an insolvency practitoner? Someone
who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. Why did the auditor cross
the road? Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last
year. There are three kinds of
accountants in the world. Those who can count and those who can't. How do you drive an accountant
completely insane? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold
up a road map the wrong way. What do accountants suffer
from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation. An accountant is someone
who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. top of page
Punker A young punker gets on the
cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple,
and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are
bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced
jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only
vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the
next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at
the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart......didn't you ever do
anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old
man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk
one night in Singapore, and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were
my son."Sqwaaaaakk! top of page
Software
Programming Between moments of dispensing
wisdom, it seems that historical religious leaders had also learned software
programming. One day, a great contest
was held to test their skills. After days and days of fierce competition,
only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and Moses. The judge described the software
application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing
code. The two contestants feverishly
typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets, and applications
flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other
intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that
the contest would soon be finished.Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed,
and the power went out. After a moment it came back on--just in time for
the clock to announce that the last competition was over.The judge asked
the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Moses frustratingly
stated that he'd lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the
other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse,
and a dazzling application appeared on his screen. After just a few moments,
the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor.When asked
how the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic
that set the winner apart from all the other leaders: Jesus saves. top of page
When
Choosing A Mate... When Choosing A Mate,
Compare These Other Professionals To Engineers DOCTORS - Supposedly, all
women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more
than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office,
or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He'll wait
until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with
your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely
he'll ever meet another woman in his profession. LAWYER - Do You seriously
expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying?
Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn't have
enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying
a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing. SALESMAN - See honesty
segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc. where
he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don't
be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show.
The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage,
often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you. HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS,
I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC. - Your husband,
if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury,
etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that
your Engineer husband will face is losing his eye sight by staring at the
terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he
will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He
will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still
be sharp, and you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?", he'll honestly be
able to say that he didn't even see her. TEACHER - The only
reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly
post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll
have to look for another man. MINISTER - See Teacher
and substitute the word "girls" with "boys". top of page
Chinese
Lesson CHINESE DICTIONARY - (MUST
BE PRACTICED OUT LOUD)
Dung On Mai
Shu
I stepped in excrement
Hu Flung Dung
Which one of you fertilized
the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding
We have reason to believe
you are hiding afugitive
Are
you feeling old? If not, consider this: The people who are
starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980. They have no meaningful
recollection of the Reagan era. They were prepubescent
when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday 1987 is
as significant to them as the Great Depression. Their lifetime has
always included AIDS. Atari predates them,
as do vinyl albums. The expression "you
sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. They may have heard
of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have never actually seen or
heard one. The digital Disc was
introduced when they were 1 year old. As far as they know,
stamps have always cost about 32 cents. They have always had
an answering machine. Most have never seen
a TV set with only 13 channels. They were born the
year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony. They have no idea when
or why Jordache jeans were cool. They never took a swim
and thought about Jaws. They don't know that "8-6-7-5-3-0-9" is
Jenny's phone number. They don't know who
Mork was or where he was from. They never heard the
term "Where's the beef?". top of page
Skin
Graft A married couple was in a
terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband
that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on
his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin
came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all,
this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone
was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she
ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about
her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was
overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank
you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My
darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every
time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek. top of page
Best
Friends Four guys are telling
stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left.....and
they begin to discuss their sons... First guy says, "I
was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing
cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him
a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact,
he's so successful he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday." Second guy says, "I
was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor.
Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman and he eventually
bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful he just gave his
best friend a new house for his birthday." Third guy says, "Yeah,
I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm but, HE
got a break too! They made HIM a broker and now he owns the brokerage firm.
In fact, he's so rich he gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his
birthday." Fourth guy comes back
from the bathroom. The first three explain they're telling stories about
their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a
MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser
after 15 years. In fact, I just found out he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends.
But, I try to look at the bright side...he's doing quite well...a few of
his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and $1 million
in stock for his birthday." top of page
Medical
Humor It was a stifling hot day
and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled
up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down
to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and
said, "It's all right, honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched
as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.
At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the
part about calling a doctor, I'm already here." top of page
Fire & Flood A lawyer and an engineer
met at an exotic bar in a Caribbean resort, and small talk ensued. "My house had burnt down," said
the lawyer, "and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. However, the
insurance company paid for everything, so here I am, starting a new, wonderful
life." "What a coincidence", said the engineer. "My house
and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood. And now that the insurance
paid for the damage, I too, am starting a new life." The lawyer looked somewhat
confused. "Interesting," he said to the engineer, "but how do you start a
flood?" top of page
Raging
Storm A passenger
plane was getting pounded by a raging storm. The terrified passengers screamed,
certain of their emanate demise. A
young woman jumped up and exclaimed, "I can't take this! I won't die like
an animal strapped to a chair. If I must die, then let me die feeling like
a woman. Who here is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" She cried. A
strapping, handsome man arose, smiled and made his way up the aisle toward
her. As he approached he tore off his shirt, huge muscles rippling dramatically
in the flashes of lighting. He stood before her, shirt in hand, and said
to her, "Here, iron this!" top of page
Bragging Three
boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first
one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start
to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow". The second
one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot
his gun and be there before the bullet." The third
one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two
know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at
4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!! top of page
Paternity
Suit submitted by Shimshon Berkovits It was
many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby
in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that
the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally
he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She
agreed. He had
been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who
had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll
be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said
the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when
you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get,
and watch the expression on her face." When the
boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go
back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and
free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
