harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 18
 Feeling Old
 Raging Storm
 Best Friends
 Skin Graft
 Chinese Lesson
 Medical Humor
Fire & Flood
 All in Good Fun
 Silly Definitions
Picabo Street
 Accounting Fun
 Men Seeking Women
 Paternity Suit
 Women Seeking Men
Software Programming
 Choosing a Mate
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...

Picabo Street
Did you hear that when Picabo Street was taken to the hospital for her broken leg last week, the hospital was so impressed with her that they named a wing after her?
The Intensive Care Unit is now, officially, the Picabo ICU!
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Silly Definitions
acoustic: instrument used in billiards
ascend: [you know]
bar stool: what David Crockett stepped in
cherub: furniture polish
collapse: how an audience reacts to a performance
commentator: undistinguished potato
cognac: what a yak puts ice cream in
dilate: to live long
diploma: the person who fixes the pipes
dulcet: inferior tennis
elliptical: a kiss
rheumatic: upper apartment
senile: reason for going to Europe
staple: Irish church tower
tangent: man returned from the beach
toupee: Dutch treat
violin: bad hotel
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All in Good Fun
oink oink Date: Monday, April 06, 1998 9:00 AM
 Now I'm bettin' somebody's thinking I would be talking food.... If you've not seen this before, try it.I was very surprised at how accurrate I thought the interpretation. (Right up there with Myers/Briggs!) Have fun!

THIS IS QUITE INTERESTING! YOU MUST NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU DRAW  YOUR PICTURE. NO CHEATING, NOW. YOU WILL FIND THIS VERY INTERESTING  IF YOU DRAW YOUR PICTURE FIRST!   On a blank piece of paper draw a pig.   Then scroll down and read the interpretation of your pig!!   Draw your pig first! And don't look at the next part until you are  done!   It won't be fun if you look first.

YOU'RE CHEATING; I KNOW IT! DRAW THE STUPID PIG!!!   The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the  drawer.   If the pig is drawn:   Toward the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic.   Toward the middle of the paper, you are a realist.   Toward the bottom of the paper, you are pessimistic, and have a  tendency to behave negatively.   Facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly, and remember dates  (birthdays, etc.)   Facing right, you are innovative and active, but don't have a strong  sense of family, nor do you remember dates.   Facing front (looking at you), you are direct, enjoy playing devil's  advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions.   With many details, you are analytical, cautious, and distrustful.   With few details, you are emotional and naive, you care little for  details and are a risk-taker.   With less than 4 legs showing, you are insecure or are living through  a period of major change.   With 4 legs showing, you are secure, stubborn, and stick to your  ideals.   The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are. The bigger  the better.    OK, who didn't draw a tail?
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Accounting Fun   by Zakikhani.Mack
'Tis the Season' to make fun of those people who are only trying to help us save money.
What's the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
How do you know you've met a good tax accountant?  He has a loophole named after him.
What does an accountant Do for birth control?  He talks about his business.
What's an extroverted accountant?  One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
What's an insolvency practitoner?  Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road?  Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
There are three kinds of accountants in the world.  Those who can count and those who can't.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?  Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?  Depreciation.
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
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A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.  Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart......didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"  Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."Sqwaaaaakk!
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Software Programming
Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical religious leaders had also learned software programming.
One day, a great contest was held to test their skills. After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and Moses.
The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code.
The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets, and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed, and the power went out. After a moment it came back on--just in time for the clock to announce that the last competition was over.The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Moses frustratingly stated that he'd lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor.
Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse, and a dazzling application appeared on his screen. After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor.When asked how the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:
Jesus saves.
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When Choosing A Mate...
 When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Engineers
DOCTORS - Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.
 LAWYER - Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.
 SALESMAN - See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.
 HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC. - Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eye sight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?", he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.
 TEACHER - The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.
 MINISTER - See Teacher and substitute the word "girls" with "boys".
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Chinese Lesson
Dung On Mai Shu I stepped in excrement
Hu Flung Dung Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding We have reason to believe you are hiding afugitive
Gun Pao Der An ancient Chinese invention
Dum Gai A stupid person
Ai Bang Mai Ne I bumped into the coffee table
Ar U Wun Tu A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat You need a face lift
Jan Ne Ka Sun A former late night talk show host
Ne Ahn A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Moon Lan Ding A great achievement of the American space program
Lin Ching  An illegal execution
Lao Zi  Not very good
Lao Ze Sho Gilligan's Island
Kum Hia Approach me
Yu Mai Te Tan Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting There is no reason to raise your voice
Shai Gai A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne A small horse
Ten Ding Ba Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung A person with T.B.
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Are you feeling old?  If not, consider this:
 The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
 They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.
 They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
 Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
 Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
 Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
 The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
 They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have never actually seen or heard one.
 The digital Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
 As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
 They have always had an answering machine.
 Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels.
 They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
 They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
 They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
 They don't know that "8-6-7-5-3-0-9" is Jenny's phone number.
 They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
 They never heard the term "Where's the beef?".
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Skin Graft
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.  After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."  "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
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Best Friends
  Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left.....and they begin to discuss their sons...
  First guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."
  Second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."
  Third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm but, HE got a break too! They made HIM a broker and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich he gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."
  Fourth guy comes back from the bathroom. The first three explain they're telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side...he's doing quite well...a few of his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and $1 million in stock for his birthday."
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Medical Humor
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right, honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
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Fire & Flood
A lawyer and an engineer met at an exotic bar in a Caribbean resort, and small talk ensued.
"My house had burnt down," said the lawyer, "and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. However, the insurance company paid for everything, so here I am, starting a new, wonderful life."    "What a coincidence", said the engineer. "My house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood. And now that the insurance paid for the damage, I too, am starting a new life."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "Interesting," he said to the engineer, "but how do you start a flood?"
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Raging Storm
    A passenger plane was getting pounded by a raging storm. The terrified passengers screamed, certain of their emanate demise.
     A young woman jumped up and exclaimed, "I can't take this! I won't die like an animal strapped to a chair. If I must die, then let me die feeling like a woman. Who here is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" She cried.
     A strapping, handsome man arose, smiled and made his way up the aisle toward her. As he approached he tore off his shirt, huge muscles rippling dramatically in the flashes of lighting. He stood before her, shirt in hand, and said to her, "Here, iron this!"
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    Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
    The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
    The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet."
    The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!
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Paternity Suit  submitted by Shimshon Berkovits
    It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
    Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.  She agreed.
    He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
    "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
    When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
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