| Says | Meaning | |
| 40-ish | 48 | |
| Adventure | Has had more partners than you ever will | |
| Artist | Unreliable | |
| Athletic | Flat chested (uses band aid for bra) | |
| Average looking | Ugly | |
| Beautiful | Pathological liar | |
| Commitment-minded | Pick out curtains, now! | |
| Communication important | Just try to get a word in edge-wise | |
| Contagious Smile | Bring your penicillin | |
| Educated | College dropout | |
| Emotionally Secure | Medicated | |
| Employed | Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home | |
| Enjoys Art | an opera Snob | |
| Enjoys Nature | Bring your own granola | |
| Exotic Beauty | Would frighten a Martian | |
| Feminist Fat | ball buster | |
| Financially Secure | One paycheck from the street | |
| Free Spirit | Substance user | |
| Friendship first | Trying to live down reputation as slut | |
| Fun | Annoying | |
| Gentle | Comatose | |
| Good Listener | Borderline Autistic | |
| Humorous | Caustic | |
| Intuitive | Your opinion doesn't count | |
| In Transition | Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills | |
| Light drinker | Lush | |
| Looks younger | If viewed from far away in bad light | |
| Loves Travel | If you're paying | |
| Loves Animals | Cat lady | |
| Mature | Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed, like last boyfriend did | |
| New-Age | All body hair, all the time | |
| Non-traditional | Ex-husband lives in the basement | |
| Old-fashioned | Lights out, missionary position only | |
| Open-minded | Desperate | |
| Outgoing | Loud | |
| Passionate | Loud | |
| Petite | Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins | |
| Poet | Depressive Schizophrenic | |
| Professional | Bitch | |
| Redhead | Shops in the Clairol aisle | |
| Reliable | Frumpy | |
| Reubenesque | Grossly Fat | |
| Romantic | Looks better by candle light | |
| Self-employed | Jobless | |
| Smart | Insipid | |
| Special | Rode the short school bus | |
| Spiritual | Cult member | |
| Stable | Boring | |
| Tall, thin | Anorexic | |
| Tan | Wrinkled | |
| Voluptuous | Very Fat | |
| Weight proportional to height | Hugely Fat | |
| Wants Soul mate | One step away from stalking | |
| Widow | Nagged first husband to death | |
| Writer | Pompous | |
| Young at heart | Toothless crone | |
