LIFE'S LITTLE QUESTIONS
Before
they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Does
the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How
do I set my laser printer on stun?
How
is it possible to have a civil war?
If
all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If
love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If
one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If
the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If
you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If
you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If
you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why
is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
If
the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash,
why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
If
most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just
move 10 miles away?
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of page
JAVA
Song (As sung to "Rawhide")
Loading, loading,
loading,
Damn this Java
coding,
Feeling of foreboding,
Reload!
The Applet says
it's running,
And that big
grey block is stunning,
But the screen
remains as blank as my mind
Netscape crash,
Boot 'em up!
Net goes down,
Dial back! Logging on,
Still off-line!
Reload!
Try it now, Still
not up!
Netscape crashed,
What, again?
Boot it up, Log
it in, Reload!
Tighten, tweakin',
smoothen,
They say the
codes improvin',
So how come I'm
still usin' "reload"?
I'm tired of
all this waitin',
Just give me
.gif animation,
This code is
only good for wasting time,
The applet says
it's running,
And grey block
is quite stunning,
But the screen
remains as blank as my mind,
(Midi solo)
beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep,
beep,beep,
Netscape crash,
Boot 'em up!
Net goes down,
Dial back!
Logging on, Still
off-line!
Reload!
Try it now, Still
not up!
Netscape crashed,
What, again?
Boot it up, Log
it in,
Reload!
top
of page MURPHY'S
LAWS OF COMPUTING
1. When computing,
whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get
to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first
place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you
least expect to find it.
4. When the going
gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every
action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is
human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human,
it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs
last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first
you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex
system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler
system that worked just fine.
10. The number
one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer
program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want
to do.
top
of page Acronyms
Explained!
PCMCIA - People
Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN - It Still
Does Nothing or I Smell Dollars Now or Integration Subscribers Don't Need
APPLE - Arrogance
Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI System -
Still Can't See It
DOS - Defective
Operating System
BASIC - Bill's
Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM - I Blame
Microsoft
DEC - Do Expect
Cuts
CD-ROM - Consumer
Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 - Obsolete
Soon, Too.
WWW - World Wide
Wait
MACINTOSH - Most
Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM - Produces
Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL - Completely
Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA - A Merely
Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP - Lots of
Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS - Meaningless
Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS - Will
Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO - Garbage
In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT - Most
Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools ...Teenagers
top
of page Maxims
for Internet Age
1. Home is where
you hang your @
2. The E-mail
of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey
of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't
teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups
from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly
and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the
root of all directories.
8. Don't put
all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise;
pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem
is the message.
11. Too many
clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek
shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has
nine lives.
14. Don't byte
off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger
than fiction.
16. What boots
up must come down.
17. Windows will
never cease.
18. In Gates
we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality
is its own reward.
20. Modulation
in all things.
21. A user and
his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no
place like http: //www.home.com
23. Know what
to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what
a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man
a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use
the Net and he
won't bother you for weeks.
top
of page The
Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:
10 You get a
threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking
shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined
up in razor-sharp rows.
9 That telltale
lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
8 On her show
she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your. split-level,
right down to the fallen-over licorice down spout and the stuck half-open
graham cracker garage door.
7 You find your
pet bunny on the stove, but it's in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and
saffron demi-glace, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel
sauce.
6 The unmistakable
aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.
5 You discover
that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.
4 No matter where
you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3 Twice this
week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2 You wake up
in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.And
the Number
1 Sign You're
Being Stalked by Martha Stewart: 1 You awaken one morning with a glue gun
pointed squarely at your temple.
top
of page Golfer
Goodbyes
A golfer
and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200.
At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the
round, and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession
started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his
hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral
procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter
and returned to lining up his putt. One of his buddies said, "That
was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped
playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects."
"Well, we were married for 25 years."
top
of page The
Damn Geezer
A crusty
old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want
to open a damn checking account."
The astonished
woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you.
What did you say?"
"Listen
up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very
sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The
teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him
of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen
to foul language.
They both
return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems
to be the problem here?"
"There is
no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn
lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"
"I see,"
says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
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of page
Walk
the Dog
Little girl asked
her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says,"No,
because the dog is in heat."
"What's that
mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your
Father. I think he's in the garage". Little girl goes to the garage and
says,"Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but
she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you."
Dad said, " Bring
Susie over here". He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed
the dog's butt with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on
the leash and only go one time around the block". Little girl left and
returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Dad said, Where's
Susie?"
Little girl said,
"Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another
dog pushing her home"
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of page You
Know You Are in Appalachia If...
If your front
porch collapses and kills more than six dogs.
If you've ever
used lard in bed.
If you think
potted meat on saltines is an hors d'oeuvre.
If you consider
a six pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
If you've ever
barbecued Spam on a grill.
If the primary
color of your car is "Bondo."
If the rear tires
on your car are twice as wide as the front.
If your diploma
includes the words "Trucking Institute."
If you have a
rag for a gas cap.
If less than
half the cars you own run.
If your brother-in-law
is your uncle.
If your Senior
prom had a day care center.
If your dog and
your wallet are both on a chain.
If you dress
the kids up to go to K-Mart.
If you view duct
tape as a long-term investment.
If your dad walks
you to school because you're both in the same grade.
If you have ever
lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
If you think
beef jerky and moon pies are two of the major food groups
If you believe
Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
If you have more
than two brothers named Bubba and Junior.
If you have ever
used a weed whacker inside.
If you had a
toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
If your richest
relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off.
If your asked
to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
If you know exactly
how many bails of hay your car can hold.
If the plastic
flamingos in your yard were not placed as a joke.
If your family
tree does not fork.
If you think
God looks a lot like Hank Williams Jr.
If the crack
in your windshield is longer than your arm and has been there for more
than a year.
If you prominently
display souvenirs from Graceland.
When you cut
your lawn you find the car you lost.
top
of page Excerpts
from Letters Sent to Landlords
1. The toilet
is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. I want some
repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. This is to
let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
4. The toilet
seat is cracked: where do I stand?
5. I am writing
on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
6. I request
your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. Our lavatory
seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
8. The person
next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and
dangerous.
9. Will you please
send someone to mend our cracked side walk. Yesterday my wife tripped on
it and is now pregnant.
10. Our kitchen
floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will
you please send someone to do something about it.
11. Will you
please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit
to drink.
12. Would you
please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and
need it straight away.
13. Could you
please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it
and it is very uncomfortable for us.
14. I want to
complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock
wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
15.When the workmen
were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess.
Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
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of page A
DRUNK ON ICE
A drunk comes
out on the ice carrying a fishing pole, a bucket, and some other gear,
pulls out a stool, and plops down. He then pulls out a saw, and starts
to cut a hole in the ice. A voice booms out, DON'T CUT A HOLE IN THE ICE!
THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THERE! The drunk, startled, looks around, but can't
find the source of the voice.
Shrugging his
shoulders, he shoves his gear across the ice about 5 feet, and again plops
down on the stool. Again he pulls out the saw, and starts to cut a hole
in the ice. Again the voice booms out, HEY! I TOLD YOU. DON'T CUT A HOLE
IN THE ICE! THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THERE! Again the drunk is startled, and
he peers around looking for the source of the voice. No luck.
So he packs up
all his gear and staggers across the ice about 20 - 25 feet, and again
plops down on the stool. He pulls out the saw once more, and starts to
cut a hole in the ice. Again the voice booms out, HEY, IDIOT, I TOLD YOU
NOT TO CUT A HOLE IN THE ICE. THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THERE! This time the
drunk stands up, and he turns all the way around trying to locate the source
of the voice, but without success.
He stammers aloud
"Uh, uh, are you God?
NO I'M NOT GOD;
I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK!
oops!
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of page A
Texan in Australia
A Texan farmer
goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets
talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh!
We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk
around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice
as large as your cows".
The conversation
has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping
through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with
an incredulous look,
"Don't you have
any grasshoppers in Texas"?
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of page
Some
people never seem to get older ... very fast . Just in case you have been
looking over your shoulder to see how close Father Time is, here are some
indicators of how "old" (is "mature" a better word?) you may be.
AGE INDICATIONS
A man has reached
middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by
the police.
Middle age is
having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you
home earlier.
You know you're
into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care
to exercise.
I don't date women
my age. There aren't any. (Milton Berle)
Don't worry about
avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Don't take life
so seriously ... it's not permanent.
The trouble with
life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card
has expired. (M. Berle)
As for me, except
for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. (Robert
Benchley)
The aging process
could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
As we grow older
year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats,
the more we feel our corns.
I have everything
I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower. (Gypsy Rose Lee)
You're getting
old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting
old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting
old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
You're getting
old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to
go along.
You're getting
old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do
anything the night before.
Doctor to patient:
I have good news and bad news-- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be
nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're
getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Last Will and
Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
"The first law
of politics: Never say anything in a national campaign that anyone might
remember." Eugene McCarthy
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of page
Take
me to your leader
Late one night,
an alien spacecraft landed near a deserted gas station.
After a bit,
one of the aliens came down the ramp, looked around, and walked over to
one of the gas pumps, where he demanded "Earthling!
Take me to your
leader!"
The gas pump,
of course, did not reply. The alien became agitated and again demanded
"Take me to your leader!" The gas pump remained silent.
Frustrated, the
alien went back to the spacecraft where he was confronted by the captain:
"Report."
"I contacted
an earthling - he would not cooperate."
"Hmmm. I will
deal with this earthling myself."
"Yes sir. Be
careful sir, I have a feeling there could be trouble." The captain left
the ship and approached the gas pump. "Earthling, you will cooperate. Take
me to your leader." The gas pump remained unresponsive.
"Very well."
The captain drew his blaster. "If you do not respond by the count of three,
I shall be forced to fire on you. One. Two. Three."
ZZZZZT. WHAM!
The gas pump
exploded, knocking the alien ass over teakettle. The captain jumped up
and got back to the ship as fast as his whatevers would propel him.
"Quickly! Make
ready to depart!"
"Yes sir. What
happened sir?"
"I fired on the
earthling and it responded very forcefully."
"Sorry sir, I
was afraid that might happen."
"How did you
know that there would be trouble?"
"Well sir, I
assumed that anyone who can take his dick, wrap it around his feet and
stick it in his left ear is probably going to be one bad bastard."
top
of page Funny
and Puny Puns
On an
Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
English
Sign in German Cafe: "Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating."
On a Scientist's
door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's
window: "We really know our stuff."
Outside
a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto
Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
At a Music
Store: "Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner."
On a Music
Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
On the door
of a Music Library: "Bach in a min-u-et."
At a farmer's
field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but
the bull charges."
In a Podiatrist's
window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's
window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another
Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used
Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
Outside
a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
At the Electric
Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However,
if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty
Shop: "Dye now!"
On the door
of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Dry
Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
In a Restaurant
window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
top
of page
How
to Make a Telemarketer Go Away
1. If they want
to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could
sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay
it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If you get
one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales
pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go
get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry,
shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for
you to get your credit card.
3. If they start
out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can
say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and
I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore,
my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just
continue on with telling about your problems.
4. If the person
says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then
ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue
asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long
as necessary.
5. This one works
better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with
Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause)
"Okay, (in a really husky voice) what
are you wearing?"
6. Crying out,
in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really
you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will
give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where
the heck she could know you from.
7. Say, "No,"
over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo
even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going
until they hang up.
8. If MCI calls
trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply,
in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would
you be my friend?"
9. If they clean
rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN
blood - chicken blood too?"
10. Let the person
go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the
form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally,
when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered,
but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone
who's a complete stranger.
11. Tell them
you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer:
"This is Bill from Widget & Associates."
You: "Widget
& Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great,
they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad
the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well,
see ya."
12. Tell the Telemarketer
you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call
them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then
ask them for their home number and tell them you will call
them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid
of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get
a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
top
of page
Its
Spring and Baseball is in the Air...
When you like
baseball you dream about. Two of my young coworkers like to talk about
baseball here is a clean joke about them.
Their entire adult
lives, Kevin and Johaan discussed baseball history in the winter, and they
pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year.
They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell
the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Kevin passed
away in his sleep after watching the Orioles victory earlier in the evening.
He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Johann awoke to the sound
of Kevin's voice from beyond. "Kevin is that you?" Johaan asked. "Of course
it me," Kevin replied. "This is unbelievable!" Johaan exclaimed. "So tell
me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well I have some good news and some
bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" "Tell me the good news
first." "Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Johaan."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" "You're
pitching tomorrow night."
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of page
IRS
A man, called
to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." Then he
asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not
let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused,
the man went to a philospher, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested
some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the
rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on
her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long,flannel nightgown that goes right
up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting
advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your
navel.'" The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem
with the IRS?"
"No matter what
you wear, you are going to get screwed."
top
of page INTERESTING
HOW PEOPLE THINK.....
"I haven't committed
a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
-- David
Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay
his taxes.
"They gave me
a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits."
-- Congressman
Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the
House Bank scandal.
"He didn't say
that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech."
-- Richard
Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following
up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands
"It depends on
your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out.
They had their
eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding
position."
-- John
Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to
a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden
Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job.
"I didn't accept
it. I received it."
-- Richard
Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000
in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after
he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.
"I was a pilot
flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made
what I was doing spying." -- Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance
pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned
to the US.
"I was under medication
when I made the decision not to burn the tapes."
-- President
Richard Nixon
"Smoking kills.
If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke
Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking
campaign
"I've never had
major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston
Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
top
of page
More
Thoughts ..
I'm a corporate
executive -- I keep things from happening.
If Clinton is
the answer, it was a stupid question.
Bad Cop! No donut!
Where are we
going and why am I in this handbasket?
Atheism is a
non-prophet organization.
Back Up My Hard
Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
I just got lost
in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Seen it all,
done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live
by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm
diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead
-- He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always
late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the
right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against
you.
I wonder how
much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love
peace and quiet.
Despite the cost
of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof
to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without
sunshine is like, you know, night.
When the chips
are down, the buffalo is empty.
Honk if you love
peace and quiet.
top
of page POINTS
TO PONDER ....
"Have a nice
day!" - 'Thank you, but I have other plans.'
"Meow" ...splat...
"Aarf" ...splat... (raining cats and dogs)
"My God, it's
full of stores!" - 2001: A Shopping Odyssey
"You want to
be buried or cremated?" "Surprise me."
(A)bort (R)etry
(I)nfluence with large hammer.
(c) Copywight
Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
A penny saved
is a Congressional spending oversight
Always forgive
your enemies. They hate that!
Always remember
to pillage BEFORE you burn!
Ambidextrose:
able to put sugar in coffee with either hand
Atheism: A non-prophet
organization
Cat bathing is
a martial art
Chirpes: (n.)
canarial disease, no tweetment.
Cream rises to
the top...so do dead fish.
Daddy, why doesn't
this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Define: (n.)
De ting you get for breakin de law
Do radioactive
cats have 18 half-lives?
DOS never says
"EXCELLENT command or filename"...
Eagles fly, but
weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Entomology: I
fear no weevil.
top
of page 80
year old
A guy goes into
confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married,
have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with
two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them twice." The priest
said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father,
I'm Jewish."
"So then, why
are you telling me?"
"I'm telling
everybody."
top
of page You
might be a teacher if:
You want to slap
the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers
free.
You can tell
it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "shallow
gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.
When out in public,
you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
When you mention
"vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.
You think people
should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how
some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You can't have
children of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that
wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.
Meeting a child's
parents INSTANTLY answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"
top
of page Top
Ten Ways You Know You Have Joined The Wrong Church
10. The church
bus has gun racks.
9. The church
staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.
8. The Bible
they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."
7. There's an
ATM in the lobby.
6. Choir wears
leather robes.
5. Worship services
are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake."
4. No cover charge,
but communion is a two-drink minimum.
3. Pastor regularly
attends meeting at Las Vegas and Atlantic City.
2. Ushers ask,
"Smoking or Non-smoking?"
1. The Women's
Quartet are all married to the pastor.
top
of page If a swamp frog goes ribb-it...ribb-it...ribb-it;
and a Busch frog
goes bud...wis...er;
Then I guess
a Windows 95 frog goes
Re-boot Re-boot
Re-boot
