harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 10

    Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
    Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
    How do I set my laser printer on stun?
    How is it possible to have a civil war?
    If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
    If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
    If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
    If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
    If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
    If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
    If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
    Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
    Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
    If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
        crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
    If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
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JAVA Song (As sung to "Rawhide")
Loading, loading, loading,
Damn this Java coding,
Feeling of foreboding, Reload!
The Applet says it's running,
And that big grey block is stunning,
But the screen remains as blank as my mind
Netscape crash, Boot 'em up!
Net goes down, Dial back! Logging on,
Still off-line! Reload!
Try it now, Still not up!
Netscape crashed, What, again?
Boot it up, Log it in, Reload!
Tighten, tweakin', smoothen,
They say the codes improvin',
So how come I'm still usin' "reload"?
I'm tired of all this waitin',
Just give me .gif animation,
This code is only good for wasting time,
The applet says it's running,
And grey block is quite stunning,
But the screen remains as blank as my mind,
(Midi solo)
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
Netscape crash, Boot 'em up!
Net goes down, Dial back!
Logging on, Still off-line!
Try it now, Still not up!
Netscape crashed, What, again?
Boot it up, Log it in,
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1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
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Acronyms Explained!
PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN - It Still Does Nothing or I Smell Dollars Now or Integration Subscribers Don't Need
APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI System - Still Can't See It
DOS - Defective Operating System
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
DEC - Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW - World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO - Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools ...Teenagers
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Maxims for Internet Age
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http: //www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use
the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
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The Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:
10 You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9 That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
8 On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your. split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice down spout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7 You find your pet bunny on the stove, but it's in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
6 The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.
5 You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.
4 No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3 Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2 You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.And the Number
1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart: 1 You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
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Golfer Goodbyes
 A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for  $200.  At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the  round, and the $200.  As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass  by.  The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his  chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After  it  passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.  One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your  concentration, to pay your respects."  "Well, we were married for 25 years."
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The Damn Geezer
 A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

 The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

 "Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

 "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.

 They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

 "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"

 "I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
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Walk the Dog
Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says,"No, because the dog is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage". Little girl goes to the garage and says,"Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here". He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block". Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Dad said, Where's Susie?"
Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home"
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You Know You Are in Appalachia If...
If your front porch collapses and kills more than six dogs.
If you've ever used lard in bed.
If you think potted meat on saltines is an hors d'oeuvre.
If you consider a six pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
If you've ever barbecued Spam on a grill.
If the primary color of your car is "Bondo."
If the rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front.
If your diploma includes the words "Trucking Institute."
If you have a rag for a gas cap.
If less than half the cars you own run.
If your brother-in-law is your uncle.
If your Senior prom had a day care center.
If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
If you dress the kids up to go to K-Mart.
If you view duct tape as a long-term investment.
If your dad walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
If you have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
If you think beef jerky and moon pies are two of the major food groups
If you believe Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
If you have more than two brothers named Bubba and Junior.
If you have ever used a weed whacker inside.
If you had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
If your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off.
If your asked to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
If you know exactly how many bails of hay your car can hold.
If the plastic flamingos in your yard were not placed as a joke.
If your family tree does not fork.
If you think God looks a lot like Hank Williams Jr.
If the crack in your windshield is longer than your arm and has been there for more than a year.
If you prominently display souvenirs from Graceland.
When you cut your lawn you find the car you lost.
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Excerpts from Letters Sent to Landlords
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked side walk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.
13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
15.When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
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A drunk comes out on the ice carrying a fishing pole, a bucket, and some other gear, pulls out a stool, and plops down. He then pulls out a saw, and starts to cut a hole in the ice. A voice booms out, DON'T CUT A HOLE IN THE ICE! THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THERE! The drunk, startled, looks around, but can't find the source of the voice.
Shrugging his shoulders, he shoves his gear across the ice about 5 feet, and again plops down on the stool. Again he pulls out the saw, and starts to cut a hole in the ice. Again the voice booms out, HEY! I TOLD YOU. DON'T CUT A HOLE IN THE ICE! THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THERE! Again the drunk is startled, and he peers around looking for the source of the voice. No luck.
So he packs up all his gear and staggers across the ice about 20 - 25 feet, and again plops down on the stool. He pulls out the saw once more, and starts to cut a hole in the ice. Again the voice booms out, HEY, IDIOT, I TOLD YOU NOT TO CUT A HOLE IN THE ICE. THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THERE! This time the drunk stands up, and he turns all the way around trying to locate the source of the voice, but without success.
He stammers aloud "Uh, uh, are you God?
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A Texan in Australia
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,
"Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
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Some people never seem to get older ... very fast . Just in case you have been looking over your shoulder to see how close Father Time is, here are some indicators of how "old"  (is "mature" a better word?) you may be.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

I don't date women my age. There aren't any. (Milton Berle)

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (M. Berle)

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. (Robert Benchley)

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.

I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower. (Gypsy Rose Lee)

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.

You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news-- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

"The first law of politics: Never say anything in a national campaign that anyone might remember." Eugene McCarthy
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Take me to your leader
Late one night, an alien spacecraft landed near a deserted gas station.
After a bit, one of the aliens came down the ramp, looked around, and walked over to one of the gas pumps, where he demanded "Earthling!
Take me to your leader!"
The gas pump, of course, did not reply. The alien became agitated and again demanded "Take me to your leader!" The gas pump remained silent.
Frustrated, the alien went back to the spacecraft where he was confronted by the captain: "Report."
"I contacted an earthling - he would not cooperate."
"Hmmm. I will deal with this earthling myself."
"Yes sir. Be careful sir, I have a feeling there could be trouble." The captain left the ship and approached the gas pump. "Earthling, you will cooperate. Take me to your leader." The gas pump remained unresponsive.
"Very well." The captain drew his blaster. "If you do not respond by the count of three, I shall be forced to fire on you. One. Two. Three."
The gas pump exploded, knocking the alien ass over teakettle. The captain jumped up and got back to the ship as fast as his whatevers would propel him.
"Quickly! Make ready to depart!"
"Yes sir. What happened sir?"
"I fired on the earthling and it responded very forcefully."
"Sorry sir, I was afraid that might happen."
"How did you know that there would be trouble?"
"Well sir, I assumed that anyone who can take his dick, wrap it around his feet and stick it in his left ear is probably going to be one bad bastard."
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Funny and Puny Puns
  On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

 English Sign in German Cafe: "Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating."

 On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

 On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

 Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

 At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"

 At a Music Store: "Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner."

 On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

 On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a min-u-et."

 At a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field  for free, but the bull charges."

 In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

 On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

 On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

 At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

 Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

 At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your  bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

 In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

 On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

 In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

 In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and  get fed up.
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How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions  about the company for as long as necessary.

5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what
are you wearing?"

6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:  Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates."
You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"  Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You:  "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather?  Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh  well,  see ya."

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number   and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
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Its Spring and Baseball is in the Air...
When you like baseball you dream about. Two of my young coworkers like to talk about baseball here is a clean joke about them.

Their entire adult lives, Kevin and Johaan discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Kevin passed away in his sleep after watching the Orioles victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Johann awoke to the sound of Kevin's voice from beyond. "Kevin is that you?" Johaan asked. "Of course it me," Kevin replied. "This is unbelievable!" Johaan exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" "Tell me the good news first." "Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Johaan." "Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" "You're pitching tomorrow night."
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A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
 Confused, the man went to a philospher, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long,flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'" The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
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"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
 -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits."
 -- Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank scandal.

"He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech."
 -- Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands

"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out.
They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position."
 -- John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job.

"I didn't accept it. I received it."
 -- Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.

"I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying."  -- Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US.

"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes."
 -- President Richard Nixon

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
 -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
 -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
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More Thoughts ..
 I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things from happening.
If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.
Bad Cop! No donut!
Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead -- He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
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"Have a nice day!" - 'Thank you, but I have other plans.'
"Meow" ...splat... "Aarf" ...splat... (raining cats and dogs)
"My God, it's full of stores!" - 2001: A Shopping Odyssey
"You want to be buried or cremated?" "Surprise me."
(A)bort (R)etry (I)nfluence with large hammer.
(c) Copywight Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight
Always forgive your enemies. They hate that!
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!
Ambidextrose: able to put sugar in coffee with either hand
Atheism: A non-prophet organization
Cat bathing is a martial art
Chirpes: (n.) canarial disease, no tweetment.
Cream rises to the top...so do dead fish.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Define: (n.) De ting you get for breakin de law
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
DOS never says "EXCELLENT command or filename"...
Eagles fly, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Entomology: I fear no weevil.
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80 year old
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them twice." The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."
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You might be a teacher if:
You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free.
You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.
When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You can't have children of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.
Meeting a child's parents INSTANTLY answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"
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Top Ten Ways You Know You Have Joined The Wrong Church
10. The church bus has gun racks.
9. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.
8. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."
7. There's an ATM in the lobby.
6. Choir wears leather robes.
5. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake."
4. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.
3. Pastor regularly attends meeting at Las Vegas and Atlantic City.
2. Ushers ask, "Smoking or Non-smoking?"
1. The Women's Quartet are all married to the pastor.
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If a swamp frog goes ribb-it...ribb-it...ribb-it;
and a Busch frog goes bud...wis...er;
Then I guess a Windows 95 frog goes
Re-boot Re-boot Re-boot

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fuse bomb
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