Reform vs Orthodox

A fellow goes to the races for the first time and decides to look over the horses in the paddock before placing his first bet. While there he sees a Rabbi standing beside a horse due to run in the first race. The Rabbi is rocking back and forth in prayer.

He notes the number on the horse and for the heck of it puts a two dollar bet to win on the horse. It comes in paying 9-1. Collecting his money he goes down to the paddock and sees the Rabbi praying over another horse, this one due to run in the next race. He puts all his winnings on that horse to win and again he wins.

By the end of the eight race his winnings total over five thousand. He decides the ninth will be his last race. He checks which horse the Rabbi is praying over and places all his money on that horse.

This time things are different. The horse the Rabbi was praying over trailed the field, ending up dead last and all the man's winnings are lost.

He spots the Rabbi, runs up to him, and says, " Rabbi, I do not understand. I watched you pray over horses and I bet and won on every horse you prayed over. That is except on the ninth race. I lost all my money on the horse you were praying over.

The Rabbi looks at the fellow and says, "Tell me, are you Jewish?"

The man responds, "Yes. I am Jewish. I am a member of a reform synagogue."

The Rabbi responds, " That's the trouble with the reformed. They do not know the difference between a Brocha and Kaddish."

The National Education Association is celebrating "Read Across America" by encouraging adults to read to children. Of course, "Green Eggs and Ham" is one of the most popular Dr. Seuss books. And, there's the dilemma -- how can Jewish kids celebrate with green Eggs and…HAM?

So, in honor of (and with apologies to the estate of Dr. Seuss), here's a new ending for the story:

Will you never see?
They are not KOSHER, So let me be!
I will not eat green eggs and ham.
I will not eat them, Sam-I-am

But I'll eat green eggs with a biscuit!
Or I will try them with some brisket.
I'll eat green eggs in a box.
If you serve them with some lox.

And those green eggs are worth a try
Scrambled up in matzo brie!
And in a boat upon the river,
I'll eat green eggs with chopped liver!

So if you're a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan, but troubled by green eggs and ham, let your friends in on the scoop: Green eggs taste best with chicken soup!

source aish.com

Chaim Yankel, the fattest man in Chelm went to see his doctor for a check up. Dr. Epstein told Chaim Yankel that he needed to lose weight immediately, and the best way to do it would be for him to start running seven miles a day.

Chaim Yankel followed Dr. Epstein’s advice, and it seemed to be working. After only 40 days he had lost over 30 pounds.

Chaim Yankel phoned Dr. Epstein and thanked him very much for the excellent advice. But at the end of the conversation, Chaim Yankel said, “Doctor, I just have one more question. How do I get home, now that I am 280 miles away from home?"

source: aish.com

1. Property prices:
If you own a house in an ultra-Orthodox neighbourhood, it’s a sellers’ market. The Jews must reside within walking distance of their synagogues and yeshivas because of the Sabbath driving ban, plus they are so close-knit they would never consider moving too far from Planet Haredi. So you’re guaranteed a premium asking price. They’ll try and bargain you down but stand your ground; they’ll have to pay up in the end.

2. Crime:
There is no record of an ultra-Orthodox Jew ever committing a mugging in the UK. Be honest, who would you rather meet down a dark alley: a gang of hoodies or a posse of Yiddish-speaking boychiks in black hats?

3. No tiresome keeping up with the Joneses/Cohens:
Ultra-Orthodox Jews don’t do conspicuous consumption. Even the well-to-do are quite content driving around in a battered old Volvo until the wheels drop off.

4. Noise abatement: 
They might be wild-eyed believers but they’re not into wild parties. All-nighters consist of going to the synagogue on certain high holy days and feverishly praying until the sun comes up.

5. Weekend parking:
Religious Jews are prohibited from driving on a Saturday by religious law, thus you will find no problem finding a parking spot on the High Street from sunset on Friday through to Saturday night. Sunday morning is bedlam, however.

6. No impromptu visits:
Privacy is guaranteed if you’re a non-Jew living among the ultra-Orthodox. They want absolutely nothing to do with you and will never, ever, ever pop round for a bowl of sugar.

7. No sex, please, we’re Jewish:
An ultra-Orthodox Jew must be one of the least likely candidates to run off with your wife.

8. Leylandi (absence of):
Ultra-Orthodox Jews have lived in crowded, urban ghettos for so long that they are totally immune to the British gardening fetish. They also hate dogs.

9. Schools:
No worries about parental competition to get little Christopher or Mary into that high-achieving C of E/Roman Catholic primary.

10. Liberation from social conventions:
Ms Patterson patronisingly demanded the ultra-Orthodox Jews “treat their neighbours with a bit more courtesy” but what she doesn’t get is that they live in a state of gentle anarchy and are just as rude to one another. Don’t be offended, just be discourteous back. Feel free to hoot at them in traffic and steal their parking spaces (they’ll just shrug nonchalantly, not beat your brains out); talk loudly on your mobile phone; forget to say thank-you; push in front of them in queues (they’ll admire your chuztpah); ram them with your pram (they’ll understand, they’ve got half-a dozen kids themselves); and enjoy the naughty and rare pleasure of not conforming.

Hanukkah is tomorrow and if you’re anything like the Funny Crave staff, you’re not Jewish. So the first day of Hanukkah isn’t so much a day of celebration as it is a Saturday – laundry day, for some.  But instead of just moping around feeling useless as the one Jewish guy you know goes out and has a blast performing ancient Hanukkah rituals like bashing the menorah-shaped piñata, and complaining about the weather’s effects on his joints; you too can have some fun on this joyous day that isn’t even that important to the Jewish people, and was only really hyped up in an effort to compete against Christianity’s hyper-popular December holiday — Christmas.

Here are some tips for making sure that all you non-Jews have yourselves a blast this Saturday…

1)      Jew yourself up a notch – Okay, so you’re not Jewish. You’re family isn’t even close to hailing from Jerusalem. In fact, you’re pretty sure you’re family comes from a small suburb of Micronesia. That doesn’t mean that you can’t be a Jew for a day! Go ahead! Eat a bagel! Toss some lox on there if you happen to figure out what “lox” even is and if it sounds like something that would interest your taste buds. Watch Woody Allen movies and pretend that making a reference to classic literature actually makes you smart. Punch a criminal, because that’s something that Jews do regularly.

2)      Grow A Wicked Awesome Beard – Hardcore Jews have facial hair that’s one sweet-ass scar away from overtaking the Biker Beard as the most badass, manliest beard in the land. Grow one. Grow four. In one day. Grow 2 on your face. One on your left shin. Another on your fist for when you have to punch people. Grow one on the small of your back that can be extended and splayed out as a signal to all Jewish women that you are not only ready to mate, but you are the Jew they should be mating with. Grow them all in one day to show how dedicated you are to the Jewish faith. Then shave them all off on Sunday because they itch like crazy.

3)       Feel the pain and suffering of an entire people in just five minutes – Not to get in to details, but the Jewish people have really been given the short end of the proverbial stick. So if you really want to know what it’s like to be Jewish, set aside a few minutes this Saturday and reflect on all the tragedy that has befallen the Israelites. Or, don’t. You’ll probably never understand it.

from http://funnycrave.com Friday, December 11, 2009 1:00PM - By Luis Prada

As general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat.

Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't.

Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking.

Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.

The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:

Rosh Hashanah ------- Feast
Tzom Gedalia ----------- Fast
Yom Kippur ------------ -- More fasting
Sukkot ------------ -------- Feast for a week +
Hashanah Rabbah ---- More feasting
Simchat Torah --------- Keep right on feasting
Month of Heshvan ----- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah ------------ ---- Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet --------- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat ------------ Feast
Fast of Esther ---------Fast
Purim ------------ --------- Eat pastry
Passover ------------ ---- Do not eat pastry for a week
Shavuot ------------ ------ Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes, etc.)
17th of Tammuz -------- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tish B'Av ------------ ----- Serious fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul ------------ End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.

There are many forms of Judaism:

Cardiac Judaism ---------- in my heart I am a Jew.
Gastronomic Judaism --- we eat Jewish foods.
Pocketbook Judaism ----- I give to Jewish causes.
Drop-off Judaism --------- drop the kids off at Sunday School; go out to breakfast.
Twice a Year Judaism -- attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

You know you grew up Jewish when:

You did not respond to the teacher calling roll on the first day of school because you thought your name was "Princess".

You've had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face that were always asymmetrical.

You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket."

Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.

Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.

You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates & forks trying to get to a deli tray.

You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha with bowties.

You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.

You were as tall as your grandmother by age seven.

You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 6 standard suffixes (-man,-witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt or -baum).

You grew up and were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.

You can look at gefilte fish without turning green.

You grew up thinking there was a fish called lox.

You can understand some Yiddish but you can't speak it.

You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean.

Is that Kenahurra or is that kanine-hurra? (I say it's kenahurra)

You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you were in there for longer than 3 minutes.

You have at least six male relatives named Michael or David.

Your grandparent' s furniture smelled like mothballs, was covered in plastic and was as comfortable as sitting on sandpaper.

Baruch Hashem and G-d willing, may you have a day full of mazel and shalom!

It is with great stress, emotional and physical fatigue and incredible financial sacrifice beyond comprehension, that we invite you to join us as our wonderful son, Jacob Adam is called to the Torah as a Bar Mitzvah.

Saturday, May 12th -

(yes we realize its Mother's Day Weekend)

Temple Israel
14 Coleytown Road
Westport, Connecticut 06880

at the ungodly hour of 9:00 am even though you don't really need to be there until 10:20 am to catch the real action.

If you make it through the 3 hour service, please skip the Kiddush (its just cookies and cake) and join us instead for an overly large and ostentatious Kosher (my husband's idea) evening meal, which starts at 7:00 PM, (not 8:00 PM.) or you will miss out on the 2000 canapes).

Birchwood Country Club
25 Kings Hwy
S Westport, CT 06880

(which we had to join just for this event and you would not believe the initiation fees)

You will be in the presence of lots of boisterous and expensive entertainment and 60 to 70 unruly pre-teens wearing expensive dresses, funny hats, and brand new white ankle socks... as well as 80-100 middle aged+ adults, some balding, some with bad toupees, most will be professionally coiffed, designer attire galore, and most "tootsed" to the nines. At least 1/3 will be hormonally challenged and some will act stupid while under the influence. Some will not even know where or who they are. Some will complain about the food. Blah Blah Blah.

Please have the courtesy of showing up if you RSVP that you are attending, or you will be billed for $210.00 a plate if you are a no-show.

Please RSVP as soon as you get this and not a day before the cut-off date. I can't take the stress.

The gift of choice is either green, or contains a routing and account number. "Off the top of your head" gifts and Gift Cards are a waste of your time and ours.

Hope you can make it!

Lisa and David Miller

Dress: Black Tie optional

Theme: 007 James Bond

BYO yarmulke. I don't have the strength.

Ma, throw me out the window, a pickle!

The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed Hebronics, as a second language. Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize Hebronics as a valid language and a siginificant attribute of American culture.

According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned Hebronics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebronics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Professor Shulman explains, "In Hebronics, the response to any question is usually another question with a complaint that is either implied or stated.

Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my bad feet?' "

Shulman says that Hebronics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or scepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You should want a nosebleed?"

Another Hebronics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."

Shulman says one also sees the Hebronics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."   "The responses must have that particular eastern European Jewish intonation", adds Dr. Shulman.  
Shulman provided the following examples from his best-selling textbook, Switched-On Hebronics:

Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebronic response: "What am I, a clock?"

Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English answer: "Thanks."
Hebronic response: "I should be so lucky!"

Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English answer: "Be right there."
Hebronic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"

Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time."
English answer: "Glad you like it."
Hebronic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?"

Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English answer: "Congratulations!"
Hebronic response: "She could stand to lose a few pounds."

Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebronic response: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"

To the guest of honour at a birthday party:
English answer: "Happy birthday."
Hebronic response: "A year smarter you should become."

Remark: "It's a beautiful day."
English answer: "Sure is."
Hebronic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"

Answering a phone call from a son:
English answer: "It's been a while since you called."
Hebronic response: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead already?"

"Give me the box of matches," says one. "Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens." He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms... "No, no, don't!" The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? Still, he takes another match... and... A crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms: "No, no, don't do that!"One of the astronauts says, "This looks serious. What are they afraid of? Nonetheless, we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars." So he strikes a match -- which flames up, burns down, and.... nothing happens. So he turns to the Martians and asks, "Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?" The leader of the Martians says,

"Today is Shabbos!"

The following Shabbat, at the start of his sermon, the rabbi asked his congregation, “How many of you have read Leviticus 28?”Every hand went up.

Rabbi Bloom smiled and said, “Leviticus has only 27 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”
from www.jewishsf.com

Gabriel says to the man, “I need to know who you are so that I can determine whether or not to admit you to the kingdom of heaven.”The man replies, “I’m Moishe Levy, taxi driver.”Gabriel consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi driver, “OK. Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven.”Now it’s the rabbi’s turn. He stands upright and says, “I am Benjamin Himmelfarb and I have been a rabbi for 40 years.”Gabriel looks at his list and says to the rabbi, “OK. Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven.”“Hold on a minute,” says Rabbi Himmelfarb, “that man before me was a taxi driver. Why did he get a silken robe and golden staff?”

“Up here, we only work by results,” says Gabriel. “While you preached, people slept — but while he drove, people prayed.”
from www.jewishsf.com

"Do you know what happened to me?" he demanded. "I found a fly in the raisin challah I bought from you yesterday."Moishe shrugged and replied, "Nu, so you'll bring me the fly and I'll give you a raisin."

from www.jewishsf.com

A Jewish man who was riding on the London Underground reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same underground car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.

"Moishe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moishe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

Born in the wilds of Delancy Street
Lived on gilfilte fish and kosher meat

Lived in the wilds so he knew not a tree
Flecked him a chicken when he was only three

Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street.

In eighteen-toiteen, he fought "Indianes,"
Den came the "Litvaks" and the "Galitzianes,"
??? redskins all over the shteitle,
He never lost his head...he never lost his sheitle.

Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street.
He went down south, lookin' for a meidle.
Met a little tsatskele named DaisyFreidle.
From near und far, dey came to the "chippie,"
I think that's coloquial for "chuppah?"
Elected him president of the B'nai Mississippi.

Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street

He went out west on his small horse, Schloim Sam?,
Took along Daisile, his wife, alles schoen,
Schloim hat g'fliet--like and air-a-plane,
He got to Las Wegas ahead of the train.

Dovid, Dovid Crockett;
(he vent up to the crap table with a full pocket)
Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street.

He shot like a gembler, owner of die veld,
Up came two sixes...und drer d'geld.
He felt very sad, dat's my opinion,
He vould of said kaddish...but he couldn't find a minyan.

Dovid, Dovid Crockett,
(he lost his pants an' he vent home nahkid),
Dovid, Dovid Crockett,
He's back on Delancy Street.

Not long after attending her grandson Paul’s 12th birthday party, Rebecca has a heart attack. While in the hospital, she starts to plead with her cardiologist. “Oy, doctor,” she says, “you’ve just got to keep me alive for the next 12 months so that I can attend my bubbeleh grandson Paul’s bar mitzvah. He’s my first grandchild.”

“I’ll do my utmost to get you there, Rebecca,” the doctor says.

“Thank you, doctor,” says Rebecca. And in 12 months, Rebecca does indeed attend Paul’s bar mitzvah.

A few months later, while Rebecca is seeing the doctor for a check-up, she says, “I have another request. My granddaughter Suzy is marrying a lovely man, and I desperately want to attend their wedding. So please ensure that I stay alive long enough to attend their wedding.”

“I’ll do my utmost to get you there, Rebecca,” says the doctor.

“Thank you, doctor,” says Rebecca. And 12 months later, Rebecca does indeed attend Suzy’s wedding.

A few months later, Rebecca calls her doctor. “Hello doctor,” she says. “It’s Rebecca here.”

“Are you OK, Rebecca?” the doctor asks.

“Nothing’s the matter,” Rebecca replies. “But I’m calling because I have another request to make. Do you remember when you enabled me to attend my grandson’s bar mitzvah?”

“Yes, Rebecca, I do,” he replies.

“And do you remember when you enabled me to attend my granddaughter’s wedding?”

“Yes, Rebecca, I do,” he replies.

“And are you aware that I’ve just celebrated my 80th birthday?” Rebecca asks.

“Yes, Rebecca, I know,” he replies.

“Well, I’ve just bought a new mattress,” Rebecca says.

“Mazel tov,” the doctor says, “but why are you calling me about your mattress?”

“Well,” Rebecca replies, “the mattress came with a 20-year guarantee!”