| Air
Sickness |
| Aboard
an El Al flight from Israel to America, Grandma Esther was taking
her very first flight. They
had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady complained to the
stewardess that her ears were popping.
The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing
gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.
When
they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess. "The chewing gum
worked fine," she said, "but tell me, how do
I get it out of my ears?"
|
| Jackie
Mason on Starbuck's |
You want coffee in a coffee
shop, that's 60 cents. But at Starbucks, Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe
Cremier: $4.50. Cafe Suisse: $9.50.
For Each French word, another four dollars.
Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50?
Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want
until you're blue in the face. Forty million people are walking around
in coffee shops with jars of cream:
"Here's all the cream you want!". And it's still 60 cents.
You know why? Because it's called "coffee."
If it's Cafe Latte -$4.50. You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon
in a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do they ask you
for more money because it's cinnamon? It's the same price for cinnamon in your
coffee ask for coffee without cinnamon - 60 cents, that's it.
But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier - $9.50. You
want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the refills you
want until you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27 and keep drinking coffee
until you're 98. And they'll start begging you: "Here, you want more coffee,
you want more, you want more?"
Do you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a dollar
fifty. Two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50. So, for four cups of coffee
- $35.00. And it's burnt coffee. It's burnt coffee at Starbucks, let's be honest
about it. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, "It's
the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot." But when
it's burnt at Starbucks, they say, "Oh, it's a blend. It'sa blend. It's
a special bean from Argentina...."
The bean is in your head. And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead,
they have these high stools. You ever see these stools?
You haven't been on a chair that high since you were two! Seventy-three
year old Jews are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair.
And when they get to the top, they can't even drink the coffee because
there's 12 people around one little table, and everybody's saying, "Excuse me,
excuse me, excuse me, excuse me..." Then they can't get off the chair.
Old Jews are begging Gentiles, "Mister, could you getme off this?"
Do you remember what a cafeteria was?
In poor neighborhoods all over this country, they went to a cafeteria because
there were no waiters and no service. And so poor people could save money on
a tip.
Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either.
They gave coffee to you in a cardboard cup.
So because of that you paid less for the coffee.
You got less, so you paid less. It's all the same at Starbucks, no chairs,
no service, a cardboard cup for your coffee - except in Starbucks, the less you
get, the more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's worth four times
as much.
Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbucks? Buy a
cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with that cookie.
And the whole cookie is 60 cents.
At Starbucks, you're going tohave to hire a detective to find that cookie,
and it's $9.50. And you can't put butter on it because they want extra. Do you
know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for creamcheese in Starbucks?
Cream cheese, another 60 cents.
A knife to put it on, 32 cents.
If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents.
That bagel costs you $312.
And they don't give you the butter or the cream cheese.
They don't give it to you.
They tell you where it is.
"Oh, you want butter?It's over there.
Cream cheese? Over here, Sugar? Sugar is here."
Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray.
"I'll take the cookie.
Where's the butter? The butter's here.
Where's the cream cheese?
The cream cheese is there." You walked around for an hour and a half selecting
items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that
says
"Tips." You're waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money?
Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished.
They don't give you a waiter or a busboy.
Now you've become the janitor.
Now you have to start cleaning up the place.
Old Jews are walking around cleaning up Starbucks. "Oh, he's got dirt too?
Wait, I'll clean this up."
They clean up the place for an hour and a half.
If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll open a whole
new
type of a coffee shop. A whole new type.
Instead of 60 cents for coffee I'll charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50.
Not
only that, I'll have no tables, no chairs, no water, no busboy, and you'll
clean it up for 20 minutes after you're finished." Would you say to me, "That's
the greatest idea for a business I ever heard! We can open a chain of these all
over the world!" No, you would put me right into a sanitarium.
Starbucks can only get away with it because they have French titles for everything,
Nazi bastard sons-of-a-bitches. And I say this with the highest respect, because
I don't like to talk about people.
--- Jackie Mason |
| No
Holy Cowboys on the Lebanese Border |
HAIFA (December 6) - Troops from the
UN's Interim Force in Lebanon (UNIFIL) are being asked by Lebanese
farmers to take on a new task as part of their mission in south Lebanon
- and become cowboys.
Residents
of Kafr Shuba in the Mount Dov region are demanding that UNIFIL
prevent the "infiltration" of
cattle from Israel into Lebanese territory. Youngsters from the Scouts movement
held a demonstration in the village on Monday and later presented
UNIFIL with a petition demanding that the international peacekeeping
force stop the four-legged infiltrators.
According
to reports in the Lebanese press, as many as a dozen head of "Zionist cattle" cross the border
every day to "graze on Lebanese land, drink
Lebanese water, and then return to Israel."
The demands of the Shuba residents and
the young scouts have been backed by Lebanese Agriculture Minister
Kassem Hashem, who said it is definitely UNIFIL's job to put an end
to this phenomenon.
Hashem was quoted in Lebanese newspapers
as saying there is a danger the Israeli cattle could be infected
with mad-cow disease, and that their constant forays onto Lebanese
land pose danger.
UNIFIL,
however, would find it difficult to tackle a cow-wrangling
role. The battalion stationed in the
region is composed entirely of Indians, the overwhelming majority
of whom are of the Hindu faith, which treats cows as sacred animals. UNIFIL spokesman Timur Goksel said no
official request has so far been
made by the Beirut, despite the calls by the Lebanese press. Were such
a
demand to be forthcoming, it was doubtful that the force would be able
to
take on the mission, he said.
"We
don't have the necessary expertise to go rounding up stray
cattle or
eck
the origins of the cows," said Goksel. |
| When
the Messiah Comes |
| A Protestant Minister and a Catholic
Priest enjoyed teasing their Rabbi friend, continually asking him when
he was going to convert to their faith.
When the Holidays rolled around, the Rabbi sent them a card with the
following:
" Season's Greetings!
Roses are reddish,
Violets are bluish;
When the Messiah comes,
You'll wish you were Jewish!!"
|
| Religious
Pet |
| Harry and Rachel Feinberg, an open-minded
Orthodox Jewish couple living in the Bible Belt of the United States,
felt it important to own an equally devout pet.
So, they went shopping. At a
kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog
they liked. Of
all things, it was a Saint Bernard, whose breeder
was the nephew of a famous teleevangelist. When they asked the dog
to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him
to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using
his paws with dexterity. They were impressed,
purchased the animal, and went home -- devoutly. That night they had
friends over. They
were so proud of their new pet and his major
skills, they called the dog and showed off a
little. The friends were impressed, and
asked whether the dog was able to do any of the
usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as
they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. "Well," they
said, "let's try this out." Once more they called the dog,
and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped
up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed
his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
|
| LSD |
| When the hallucinatory psychoactive drug
LSD was frequently in the newspaper headlines, comic Dave Barry imparted
his wit on the issue.
"My wife is hooked on LSD: Lox,
Salami and Danish!"
|
| The
Value of Children |
| Rachel and Esther meet for the first
time in fifty years since high school.
Rachel begins to tell Esther about her
children. "My
son is a doctor and he's got four kids. My daughter is married
to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther,
how about your kids?" Esther replies, "Unfortunately,
Morty and I don't have any children and so we
have no grandchildren either."
Rachel
says, "No children? ...
and no grandkids? So tell me, Esther, what
do you do for aggravation?"
|
| Horse
Race |
| Charlie
was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed
an unusual sight.
Right before the first race, an Orthodox
Rabbi visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it
a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully and sure
enough, the blessed horse came in first! Charlie followed the Rabbi
before the next race and again, he went to
the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie played hunch
and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse.
Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by
two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty
bucks! The Rabbi continued the same
procedure through the next few races and
Charlie won each time. He was now ahead
$1,000, so between races, Charlie left the
track and went to the bank and withdraw his
life's savings $20,000. The biggest race of the day
was the last one. Charlie followed
the Rabbi and watched carefully which horse
he blessed. He then went to the betting
window and put his whole $21,000 bundle of
cash on that horse to win. Then Charlie went out to watch
the horses race. Down the stretch they came
and, as they crossed the finish line, the
horse that Charlie bet on, was dead last! Charlie was crushed. He located
the Rabbi and told him that he had been watching him bless the
horses all day and they all became winners,
except for the last horse on which he had
bet his life's savings. Charlie then asked, "What happened
to the last horse whom you blessed?
Why didn't it win like the others?"
"That's the trouble with you
Reformed Jews," sighed the Rabbi. "You
can never tell the difference between a blessing
and Kaddish."
|
| The
Shabbos Gore |
| There
is a story circulating about Joe Lieberman. Shortly after his election as senator of Connecticut
in 1988 he remained at the Senate for an important vote that took place
Friday night. In order not to interfere with the Sabbath, Mr.
Lieberman -- the first Orthodox Jewish senator in the United States
-- entered a room that was designated as a gym at the Congress, lay
down on a mattress and intended to spend the night there.
Another senator by the name of Al Gore
happened to enter the gym and was extremely surprised to see the
freshman senator lying there. He immediately asked for an explanation. "I
am an observant Jew, my home is rather far away and I don't want
to interfere with the Sabbath," explained Lieberman. "Well, my parents own an apartment
across the road. Why don't you go and sleep
there?" offered the senator from Tennessee. Lieberman thanked him and
headed to the apartment as Gore followed him there. "I
assumed you wouldn't put on the lights on Sabbath
and I don't want you to remain in the dark, so
I'm coming along tohelp you with the lights," explained
Al Gore.
Long after that episode, Lieberman
still jokes about the anecdote, saying,
" Who else had the Vice President of the United States as their Sabbath Goy?!"
|
| A
Burning Bush |
| George W. Bush was stranded at
an airport while he was out on the campaign trail. In the lounge, he
spotted an old man sitting all by himself, who looked awfully familiar. So
George W. approached the old man and said "Excuse me, sir, but aren't
you Moses?"
The old man looked at him, got up, and
walked away. George
W. thought that was rather odd, but decided he mustn't have been
Moses, after all. A little while later, George
W. saw the same man in the restroom, and couldn't
overcome the feeling that he knew this man's
name was Moses. "Excuse me, sir, I'm sorry to
bother you again, but are you sure your name
is not Moses?" But the old man just walked away. When the airline finally
called the passengers to board the plane, George
W. sees the man yet again, and decides to try
one more time: "I'm so sorry to keep bothering
you, but I can't tell you how much you look like
my friend Moses: are you SURE you're not Moses?"
The old man heaved a sigh,
and said, "Yes, my name is Moses,
but the last time I spoke to a Bush, I was sent
into the wilderness for 40 years. So please leave
me alone!"
|
| Outpouring
of Jewish Sympathy |
| A
recent survey shows that 98% of all Jews approve of Janet Reno's
rescue of Elian Gonzalez. They know
what it's like to be trapped in Miami with relatives. |
| Shadchan
Eisenberg |
| Shadchan Eisenberg was walking along
the Miami Beach seashore one morning when a gigantic creature with
two heads, a long, slimy tail and completely covered in barnacles,
crawled out of the coean and onto the beach.
The shadchan's first impulse was to take to his heels,
but he conquered his inchoate fright and ran over to the weird denizen
of the deep.
"Say," he cried, "have
I got a girl for you!"
|
| A
Heavy dose of Taschlich |
| And
then there was the tale of the bread truck the drove off the bridge
into the river. The driver was
rescued and turned out to be a mild mannered Orthodox Jew... kipah,
tefillin, all wet but in place. The man seemed sober, and in
control, so the rescuers asked him what had happened.
He explained the Rosh Hashanah was approaching,
and he explained about the custom of Tashlich. (Purifying
by symbolically throwing out the bread crumbs). The rescuers still
didn't understand.
So
he went on to explain "I voted
for Bill Clinton TWICE. I figured I need
to put at LEAST a truckload of bread in the river."
|
| THE
SIX-DAY WAR |
With more and more papers being declassified,
some light has just been shed on the real reason the Israelis won the
Six-Day War.
It seems all the equipment was rented for one week. |
| A
Flucky |
An
elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but his
wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case. He returns
home, and his wife says -- "Nu, vos zogt der doktor?"
["So? What did the doctor say?"]
"Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." ["The
doctor says I have a flucky."] "Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What
do you do for a flucky?" "I don't know -- he didn't say, and
I forgot to ask." Well, by this time the wife is in a state
of high anxiety. She
tells her neighbors "My husband was hit by a car, and now he has
a flucky! I don't know what to do!" Neighbor #1
says, "In the old country, when someone
had a flucky, we always applied cold. Cold is the best thing
for a flucky." Neighbor #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold
is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always
applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky." Cold,
heat! Oy! Now thoroughly agitated,
the wife decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor, please
tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"
"I told him... nothing's wrong. He
got off lucky."
|
| |
