Jewish Humor 37
| Shapiro Breaks the Fast |
| Shapiro's son, Greg, walked up to his father's
rabbi during the break between the Musaf and Mincha services on Yom
Kippur. "Rabbi Pollak, you must help me. I know that we're supposed to fast this day, but I am so thirsty -- I must be allowed to have something to drink!" Rabbi Pollak quietly, but firmly responded, "I am sorry, but it must be pekuach nefesh (life-threatening) before the fast may be broken." "But, you don't understand," whined young Shapiro, "if I don't get something soon, I am going to faint from thirst."Shapiro had continued on for some time when the rabbi finally relented and instructed the Gabbai to give Greg a shot-glass of water. Young Shapiro quickly downed the liquid, whereupon he gasped, "That's the last time I have salt herring for breakfast on Yom Kippur." |
| Going to Die |
| At
the conclusion of the physical exam the doctor summoned his patient
into his office with a grave look on his face. "I
hate to be the one to break it to you, Fred," he said, "but I'm afraid
you have only six months to live." "Oh, my gosh," gasped Fred, turning white. When the news had sunk in he said, "Listen, Doc, you've known me a long time. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?" "Have you ever married?" asked the doctor. Fred explained that he'd been a bachelor all his life. "You might think about taking a wife," the doctor proposed. "After all, you'll need someone to look after you during the final illness." "That's a good point, Doc," mused Fred. "And with only six months to live I'd better make the most of my time." "May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor. When Fred nodded, he said, "Marry a Jewish girl." "A Jewish girl, how come?" "It'll seem longer." |
| Believe in G-d |
| Two jews meet each other on Saturday on the boulevard. Feldman: "Cohen, I heard that you have stopped believing!" Cohen: "Yes." Feldman: "But tell me; do you still believe in G-d?" Cohen: "Let's talk about something else" On Sunday, they meet again: Feldman: "Cohen, I haven't been able to sleep all night. Do you still believe in G-d or not?" Cohen: "No." Feldman: "Why didn't you tell me yesterday!?" Cohen: "Are you meshuggah? On Shabbes?" |
| Call the Priest |
| It
was a dark and stormy night, and Medelson, an old man, knew that
the end was near. "Call the priest," he said
to his wife, "and tell him to come right away." "The priest? Max, you're delirious. You mean the rabbi!" "No," said Mendelson, "I mean the priest. Why disturb the rabbi on a night like this?" |
| Brisket Just Like Bubbe Made It |
| A
young Jewish mother is preparing a Brisket one Friday for Shabbat
dinner. Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the ends of the Brisket before placing it in the roasting pan. The young girl asks her mother why she did this. The mother pauses for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure. This is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket. Let's call Grandma and ask her." So, she phones her mother and asks why they always slice the ends off the brisket before roasting. The Grandmother thinks for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY mother make a brisket." Now the two women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the great-grandmother in the nursing home. "You know when we make a brisket," they explain, "we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?" "I don't know why YOU do it," says the old woman, "but I never had a pan that was large enough!" |
| The Widow |
| It's the yahtzeit of Herman Mendelbaum's death and
his widow decides to make a pilgrimage to the cemetery to recite a prayer
over his grave and place a small stone, as is the tradition, to show
that the deceased is remembered.
She arrives at the cemetery, but it being a while since she had been there, she is confused and cannot find poor Herman's grave site. Finally, she comes across a grounds-keeper who escorts her to a small chapel on the cemetary grounds where the records are kept. Pouring
over large maps and lists, he finally turns to the widow and says, "I can find no record of a Herman Mendelbaum
buried here. The closest I can find is a Sadie Mendelbaum." |
| 13 Children |
| A
man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room.
She was there to cheer up the sick and ailing. The man and nun
started talking and she asked about his life. He talked about his wife and
13 children. "My, my," said the nun, "13 children... You're a good, proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you!" "I'm sorry, Sister," he said, "I am not Catholic. I'm Jewish." "Jewish!?" she replies and immediately gets up to leave. "Sister,why are you leaving?" "I didn't realize I was talking to sex maniac!" |
| Waiting |
| After
an hour of standing in line at the bank, Chaim was furious. "I hate all this waiting!" he shouted to his wife. "I'm
leaving. I'm going to kill Barak." An hour later, he returned to the bank. "What happened?" asked his wife, who was still waiting in line. "Nothing," said the unhappy man. "There was a longer line over there." |
| Do you speak Yiddish |
| A
man asks a passerby, "Do you speak Yiddish?" The man shakes his head. He asks a second man, but gets no answer. He stops a third man. "Do you speak Yiddish?" "Of course." "Please, vat time is it?" |
| Israelites sue G-d: `He has failed Us!' |
|
THE
ONION Attorneys representing the Tribe of Abraham filed suit against G-d in New York's Southern District Court on Monday, citing 117 specific instances of breach of covenant. The Israelites are seeking $4.2 trillion in punitive and compensatory damages. "My client, the Children of Israel, entered into this covenant with the Defendant in good faith," said Marvin Sachs, the Manhattan lawyer bringing the suit on behalf of the Israelites. "They were assured, in writing, that in exchange for their exclusive worship of Him, they would be designated His chosen people and, as such, would enjoy His divine protection and guidance for eternity. Yet, practically from the moment this covenant was signed, the Defendant has exhibited a blatant and wilful disregard for its terms." According to Sachs, the Israelites have not received the protection they were promised in the covenant. "Despite the presence of numerous 'chosen people' clauses throughout this covenant, my client has suffered countless tragedies over the past 5000 years, from the destruction of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem to the Spanish Inquisition to the Holocaust. Does that sound like protection to you? Clearly, the Creator had no intention of honoring His legal and binding agreement with us from the start." Continued Sachs: "The covenant also states that the plaintiff is be entitled to all the lands of the Earth. This, too, has not occurred. Furthermore, it states that the plaintiff will become more numerous than the dust thereof. This has not occurred, either, assuming, of course, that the world contains more than 14 million particles of dust." Sachs then produced a Torah scroll and said: "I was raised to believe that this is more than just a piece of paper. What about Him?" Court officers visited the Defendant atop Mount Sinai early this morning, serving Him with papers and setting the legal machinery in motion. Though He has declined comment, lawyers in His employ have already cited multiple points of contention with the Israelite argument, questioning the authenticity of the 1000-year-old hand-inscribed documents and taking issue with the selection of New York, "a city of Israelites", as the trial site. Kevin Harrigan, chief legal counsel for the Lord, called a press conference on Tuesday to read a personal statement from his Client: "Where was Marvin Sachs when I created the Heavens and the Earth? Where was Marvin Sachs when I laid the cornerstone of creation, and all the morning stars sang together? Can Marvin Sachs bind the influences of the Pleiades and loose the bands of Orion? Can Marvin Sachs call forth the snow or the small rain or the great storm? He should not be so quick to sit in judgment, he who knows not the ordinances of Heaven nor their dominion of the Earth." Added Harrigan: "We'll agree to minor malfeasance. The Creator pays you a token $15,000 settlement, plus your filing fees, and we go easy on you." Despite the Lord's confidence, the Israelites say they have a case. "For 5760 years, the plaintiffs have honored their side of the contract, worshipping the Defendant with total devotion," Sachs said. "But in return they have gotten nothing. "They trusted Him to protect them, and He threw them to everyone from the Egyptians to the Cossacks to the Nazis to the Palestinians. I'd have a hard time believing that anyone even remotely familiar with the plaintiff's history would argue that they're not victims of detrimental reliance." Harrigan responded that G-d's case is clear under the provisions of New York's commercial code. "We have yet to determine whether the Jews are arguing for the Covenant of Abraham, which covers homeland and birthright issues, the Davidic Covenant, under which they say they were guaranteed a Messiah, or some combination of the two. But one thing is clear: standard assumptions for any legal contract in this district specifically state that the Defendant is not responsible for acts of G-d." Harrigan said: "I must also point out that the plaintiff has been given a homeland and offered at least one viable Messiah. If the plaintiff chooses not to accept them for whatever reason, it demonstrates that no meeting of the minds was truly possible and that they acted in bad faith, and the covenant is therefore rendered null and void." Harrigan went on to note that the Lord has not ruled out filing a breach-of-covenant countersuit against the Israelites, claiming they "have failed to worship the Lord in an acceptably faithful manner". Among the evidence cited: a 70 per cent rise in interfaith marriage among Jews since 1900 and last year's turnout of just 36 per cent at worldwide Yom Kippur services. At press time, the Israelites were moving forward with their case, undaunted by the fact that the Supreme Deity has never lost a trial. "My client has been searching for answers for a long time," Sachs said. "And they will continue to seek the truth - no matter what the cost in legal fees." |
| Italian and Jewish Mothers |
| What
is the difference between an Italian mother whose son won't eat her
cooking and a Jewish mother whose son won't eat her cooking? The Italian mother kills her son. The Jewish mother kills herself. |
| Bar Mitzvah Definition |
| A Bar Mizvah is defined as the day when
a Jewish boy comes to the realization that he is more likely to own
a professional
sports team than he is to play for one. top |
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