| THE
PRICE OF CHICKEN |
Mrs. Stein entered a kosher poultry store and
asked the price of stewing
chickens.
"One dollar and forty cents a pound," said the butcher.
"One dollar and forty cents!" shrieked Mrs. Stein. "Why,
just around the corner Ellenberger sells for one dollar and thirty-six
cents a pound."
"If Ellenberger sells stewing chickens for one dollar
thirty-six a pound, why don't you buy there?" asked the butcher impatiently.
"Because he happens to be out of them today."
"Look, lady," said the butcher, "as soon as I run
out of stewers, I'll sell them to you for only twelve cents a pound --
and you can't beat that price anywhere!" |
| Education |
The
teacher at the cheder, after explaining the meaning of Pesach, asked
the young students to use the word "matzohs" in
a sentence.
"Matzohs are eaten at the seder," said Marty.
"Very good," smiled the teacher. "How about you,
Jerry?"
"Matzohs are made without salt," responded Jerry.
Izzy, who had been in this country for only a few
months, raised his hands.
"Time matzohs on!" he shouted triumphantly. |
| The
Playoffs |
Gottlieb
called his Rabbi and said, "Rabbi, I
know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight
the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a life-long Yankee
fan.
I've GOT to watch the Yankee game on TV."
The Rabbi responds, "Gottlieb, that's what VCR's
are for."
Gottlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape
Kol Nidre?" |
| Alms
for the Schnorrer |
A destitute man went from door to door asking
for alms because his house was destroyed in a fire.
"Have you a document from your rabbi affirming that
your story is true?" "Oy," he replied. "That,
too, was destroyed in the fire!" |
| The
Four Legged Davener |
| It's Erev Rosh Hashanah
and services are about to begin. the synagogue is packed. As the
congregants are milling around shmoozing before services,
everyone seems to be distracated by man who has brought with him
a St. Bernard dog. "What chutzpah!" an elderly woman whispers aloud.
Services begin, and everyone is fascinated by how well the
dog behaves. The next morning. the man and his dog arrive early
and promptly begin davening. This time the dog is wearing its
own little tallis and yarmulke, and even appears, upon closer
inspection, to be shuckling back and forth as the
hazzan intones the prayers. The congregation is amazed. The week goes by and Kol Nidre arrives. The solemn worship service
begins. The man and his dog are back, and this time, just as the hazzan
is about to begin the prayers, the dog stands up on its hind legs and
howls "Ba-Roooooooch.......!" more melodically than the best hazzan. After the service, everyone is clamoring to meet this man and
his remarkable dog. Finally the rabbi comes up to him and says, "That's one
talented pooch you have there. You know you should really consider
sending your dog to Rabbinical School."
The man looks down, shakes his head, throws up his hands in disgust
and says, "YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor! |
| The
Statue |
Chaim: I
think they should erect a statue of Arafat in Times Square.
Yankel: A statue of Arafat? Are you crazy?
Why?
Chaim: Three reasons:
- It will give shade in the summer
- It will give shelter in the winter
- It will give the pigeons a chance to speak
for everybody else
|
| The
Newspaper |
An
elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Rev. Farrakhan's
anti-white and anti-Jewish newspaper. His
best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops in shock.
"What are you doing reading that paper? You
should be reading the Jewish Journal!"
The elderly man replies, "the Jewish Journal has
stories about intermarriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel... all
kinds of troubles for the Jewish people.
I like to read about good news."
"Farrakhan's paper says...
The Jews have all the money... the Jews control
the press... the Jews control the banks... the Jews control Hollywood. At
my age it's better to read nothing but good news!" |
| Evening
Prayers |
When
the young boy was asked by his father to say the evening prayers,
he realized he didn't have his head covered. So, the young
boy asked his little brother to rest a hand on his head until prayers
were over.
The little brother grew impatient after a few minutes
and removed his hand.
The father said, "This is important ... put your
hand back on his head!"
To which the little boy exclaimed, "Am I my brother's
kipah?" |
| Water |
An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert,
desperate for water, when he saw something,
far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the
image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table
with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can
I have some water?"
The man replied "I don't have any water, but why
don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot,
I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice
guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is
a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you
want."
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the
hill and eventually
disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling
back to where the man
was sitting behind his card table.
He said "I told you, about 4 miles over that
hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped "I found it all right. They wouldn't
let me in without a tie. |
| Three
Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck |
| None survived. One
minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing
and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all.
Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks
at the three.
"Reform I can understand. But where will
it end? You!
Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple
so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read?" Goldblum shuddered. God went on. "I
can live with that.
Men are weak, but the Word is strong!"
Goldblum sighed with relief.
"Bauman! Really, I can accept My people
need to eat, but really: serving Ham & Cheese Sandwiches
to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?"
Bauman hung his head in shame. "Even that I can allow to pass, even with
the eating of that which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with
the playing fast and loose with my people, but I can accept these
indiscretions." Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief. Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and
says, "You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far! Am I asking too
much? No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of
Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying....
'Closed
for the Holidays!'" |
| Saddam
Hussein |
Saddam
Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when
his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily-accented voice
said. "This is Yitzhak down in Tel Aviv, Israel. I am ringing to inform
you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Yitzhak," Saddam replied, "This is
important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Yitzhak after
a moment's calculation, "there is me, my cousin Saul, my next-door neighbor
Shlomo, and the entire pinnochle team from the deli -- that makes
eight!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Yitzhak,
that I have 1million men in my army
waiting to move on my command."
"Oy vey!", said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring
you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Yitzhak rang back. "Right,
Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Yitzhak?" Saddam
asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer
and Goldberg's tractor from the kibbutz."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you,
Yitzhak, that I have 16 thousand tanks,
14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to
one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?!" said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring
you back!"
Sure enough, Yitzhak rang again the next day. "Right,
Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We
have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Moshe's ultralight
with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined
us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I
must tell you Yitzhak that I have 10
thousand bombers, 20 thousand MIG-19 attack planes, my military
complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air
missile sites, and since we last spoke,
my army has increased to two million."
"Oy gevalt!", said Yitzhak, "I'll have to
ring you back."
Sure enough, Yitzhak called again the next
day. "Right, Mr Hussein, I am
sorry to tell you that we have had to call
off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why
the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Yitzhak, "We've all had a chat,
and there's no way we can
feed two million prisoners. |
| Testamental
Humor |
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else
was in liquidation.
What was the greatest female financier in the
Bible?
Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank
of the Nile and drew out
a little prophet. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in
a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the
land. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down. What excuse did Adam give to his
children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home. Who is the greatest baby-sitter
mentioned in the Bible?
David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun. |
| Everything's
Coming up Moses |
(a.k.a. The Joe Lieberman Song, Sung by Al Gore) Who'd
have guessed? Whoever knew?
Such commotion when I picked a Jew Starting
here, starting now, Baby, everything's coming up Moses. Joe
is wise, and he's deft, So what if he reads right to left? He's
devout, Clinton's out, Baby, everything's coming up Moses There's
an aura, My campaign's energized, Votes will
pour - Soon we can all dance the hora. It's
an exciting time, At state dinners we'll all say L'Chaim, We'll serve
beef, axe the pork, Now we'll carry New York,
And I can take my Saturdays off, too, Baby,
everything's coming up Moses For me and for you! |
| Jews
in Space |
| It
isn't commonly known, and this is an important "first" for
this publication, but a Jewish scientist invented a time machine a
few years ago, traveled to the future and returned with this story. At
the risk of scooping The New York Times and the Jerusalem Post, here
is the exclusive account:
Our scientist was catapulted into the year 2081. Israel's
space program had just paid off when Zvi Halevi, its first astronaut,
was launched from a point in the Negev desert and zoomed spaceward,
on target for Mars. All the time, he was in radio contact with
the authorities in Tel Aviv.
Three months
later he landed on the Red Planet and his radio messages were
flashed back to Israel. On the fourth day of exploration, he astounded the
mission-headquarters by messaging back the existence of life there. "I
have just found a beautiful feather," he wrote.
"What kind of feather?" the Israelis flashed back.
"How should I know?" radioed the astronaut. "What
am I, a milliner?" |
| |
