| Yeshiva University |
A
young stranger in New York was seeking Yeshiva University but the
many directions he had received only confused him and he became lost. Luckily, he saw a learned old man approaching
him with a load of books under his arm. He stopped the professorial
man. "Tell me, sir, how do I get to Yeshiva University?"
The old man thought about the question for
a moment or two and then replied,
" Study, young man. Constant study!" |
| Yossi
the Burglar |
A
burglar alarm sent out its piercing wail in the dark of a September
night in Tel Aviv, and the police arrived just in
time to collar the burglar, Yossi Feinberg, as he was leaving the premises
with a big bag full of loot. Soon he was in court, facing a grim-looking
judge.
" Did you have an accomplice?" asked the judge.
" What's an accomplice?" replied Yossi.
" A partner. In other words, did you commit
this crime by yourself?"
" What else?" demanded the culprit. "Who can
get reliable help these days?" |
| When
Lieberman Becomes Vice-President |
- The
IRS will accept pledges, prior to April 15th
- The
Iron Workers of America will cast a vice-presidential mezuzah.
- Yom
Kippur will be extended this year because of the enormous numbers
and types of sinning in Washington.
- On
the day of inauguration, a furor erupts over whether VEEP Lieberman
will daven with Rashi or Rabbenu Tam tfilliin.
- To
reduce medical costs, kosher chicken soup will replace antibiotics.
- The
IRS will contract out their deadbeat file for collection to the
UJA.
- Separate
but Equal" will take on new meaning
after a mechitza is erected in the Blue room.
- Garlic
will become our national herb.
- State
dinners will have enough food for the population of Wheeling,
W.VA.
- Executive
Orders will be written with a quill pen on a scroll (megillah).
- An
Important Executive Order will be called a gantza megillah.
- You
will NEVER EVER hear four-letter words; shmendrick, maybe.
- Three
new shuls will be established in Washington: Joe Lieberman's;
anti-Joe Lieberman's; and one shul that NOBODY would go to.
- Mah Jong will replace Baseball as the national
game
|
| Jewish
Films |
- Oy
of the Beholder - Singles kvetch about their awful dates.
- Girls,
Interrupted - Women's section of shul shusshed during davening.
- The
Seder House Rules - Zaydie lays down the law on Pesach.
- Angela's
Kashas - Woman reveals secret recipes.
- The
Six Cents - Three Jews each put in their two-cents' worth.
- Snow
Falling on Seders - Unexpected storm disrupts Passover.
- SuperNova
- Space scientists discover powerful strain of lox.
- Dreydel
Will Rock - Chanukah toy comes alive.
- Sleepy
Hallah - On Friday night, father fills up on bread, dozes off.
- Goys
Don't Cry - Rabbi explains why only Jews observe Tisha B'Av.
- Isn't
She Gevaldik - Yeshiva boys read Jacqueline Susann.
- Goy
Story 2 - Jewish man divorces shiksa, marries another.
- Mun
on the Moon - Astronauts discover hamantaschen filling, not green cheese,
on lunar surface.
- Stuart
Ladle - Mouse makes chicken soup for Shabbos.
- The
End of the Affair - Sheva Brachos last till 3am.
- My
God Skip - Dyslexic worships alte cocker spaniel.
- The
Whole Nine Yids - Struggling shul waits for tenth.
- The
Green Mohel - Young man performs first circumcision
|
| Jewish
Weight Lifting |
My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when
he was a boy, and he used to tell me how he had toughened
himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
He said he would stand outside behind the
house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend
his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he
could.
After a while he tried 10 pound potato sacks,
then 50 pound potato sacks and
finally he got to where he could lift a 100
pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more
than a full minute!
Eventually, he even started putting some
potatoes in the sacks. |
| Tired
and Thirsty |
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty,
I must have wine." The Scot says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have
scotch."
The Swede says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have
aquavit."
The Russian says," I'm tired and thirsty, I must
have vodka."
The German says," I'm tired and thirsty, I must
have beer."
The Greek says," I'm tired and thirsty, I must have
ouzo."
The Jew says," I'm tired and thirsty, I must have
diabetes." |
| Newly
Religious |
A
lifelong backslider suddenly "saw the light" and
approached the local rabbi.
" Rabbi, from now on I will attend synagogue services
regularly," he promised.
" I'm glad to hear that," smiled the wise old rabbi, "but
remember -- going to synagogue doesn't make you a Jew any more than going
to a poultry farm makes you a chicken!" |
| Sleeping
Pills |
Sadie: Doctor, write for me a prescription for birth
control pills.
Doctor: You're in your eighties, Sadie. You
don't need them.
Sadie: I know what I need. Write for me please
the prescription.
The doctor gives her the presciption.
Several weeks later she is again in the doctor's
office.
Doctor: So how are you feeling Sadie?
Sadie: I feel wonderful. Now I sleep like
a baby. Thank you for the pills.
Doctor: But those were birth control pills, not
sleeping pills.
Sadie: Listen to me. Every morning I put one
in my granddaughter's orange juice, and now I can sleep like a baby. |
| Losing
Face |
Yankel was afraid to return home without
a kopek to his name. His shrewish wife, he knew, would din a never-ending
tirade into his ears until they ached. She had cautioned him against
leaving their small town to seek his fortune in Moscow, but would he
listen? No, not he! He had to be the big fortune-seeker with
the big ideas!
Now, after spending a year in the metropolis,
he realized that she had been right; he never should have left. Misfortune
had confronted him on all sides, and at year's end, he was left with
only one problem -- how to save face before his wife.
"How can I return home without bringing
any money at all?" pondered Yankel. "I must think of a logical
excuse or I will never hear the end of it."
Just then he hit upon a brilliant idea. Reaching
into his pocket he withdrew a large red handkerchief and tied it across
his face so that only his eyes were visible.
The moment he opened the door to his
house, his wife screamed: "Oy gevald! What happened to your
face?"
"It was terrible!" moaned Yankel quite
convincingly. "Just before I reached town I was held up by a band
of Cossacks who ordered me to give them all my money or they would cut
off my nose."
"Shlemiel!" wailed his wife. "What
kind of life will you have without a nose! Why didn't you give
them your money?"
"Sha! Sha! Don't carry
on so," grinned Yankel, snatching off the red handkerchief. "That's
exactly what I did!" |
| Sun
or Moon |
"Which is more important, the sun or the moon?" a
citizen of Chelm asked the rabbi.
" What a silly question!" snapped the cleric. "The
moon, of course! It shines at night when we really need it. But
who needs the sun to shine when it is already broad daylight?" |
| Studying |
Bella
was the only Jewess in her class at an exclusive school in Scarsdale. Quite
rightly, she considered herself a lucky girl since, in those days,
only gentiles were admitted.
Bella's closest friend was Cynthia, a Greek Catholic. When
the girls took their final examinations, Bella passed with straight A's
but Cynthia failed miserably.
" I just can't understand it," complained Cynthia. "Just
before the tests I lit candles to St. Peter, St. Barnabas and several
other saints, and look what happened!"
" I lit a candle too," said Bella.
" What! You, a Jewess, lit a candle? To
whom?"
" To nobody. I lit the candle and stayed up
all night, studying." |
| Logical
Shidduch |
A shadchan was declaiming on the attractions of
a hopeful bride, but the young man remained unimpressed.
" You're making a mistake by refusing her," said
the marriage broker. "She has a speech impediment."
" Speech impediment!" echoed the man. "What
kind of an inducement do you call that?"
The shadchan grinned knowingly and explained, "She
can't say 'no'!" |
| Tanchum
the Wise |
Tanchum, the water carrier, was returning home
one evening when a stranger rushed up to him and slapped his face.
" Take that, Meyer!" yelled the attacker.
Tanchum picked himself up from the street and stared
at the man in amazement. Suddenly a abroad grin spread over his
face and then he laughed uproariously.
" Meyer, what are you laughing at?" exclaimed the
other. "I just knocked you down."
" The joke is on you," chortled Tanchum. "I'm
not Meyer!" |
| Ten
Again |
A man asks his wife, "What
would you most like for your birthday?"
She answers, "I'd love to be ten again."
So on the morning of her birthday,
he gets her up bright and early and off they go to the local Theme Park. What
a day! He puts her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide,
The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear...everything there is! Wow!
She staggers out of the Theme Park
five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right
into McDonald's they go, and her husband orders a Double Big Mac for
her along with extra fries and a refreshing strawberry shake. Then
off to a movie... it's the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn,
Pepsi Cola and M & Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally
she wobbles home with her husband and collapses in to bed.
He leans over lovingly and asks, "Well,
dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opens and she groans, "Schmuck, I meant
dress size." |
| |
