| Tomb
of the Unknown Soldier |
| A
group of foreign dignitaries are visiting Israel. At the end of the
tour, they are taken to see the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. They
look at the tomb and read the following inscription:
ABRAHAM SCHWARTZ
BORN 5694
DIED 5733
A GOOD MAN AND A GREAT FURRIER
The visitors are incredulous. They
ask the guide, "How can this be an unknown soldier
if the grave has his name?" Their host
responds, "Sure, as a soldier he was unknown,
but as a furrier -- he was the best!"
|
| Christmas
vs Chanukah |
Christmas
is one day, same day every year. December 25.
Jews love Dec. 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies
and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is eight days.
It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No
one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non Jewish friend asks when
Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look
like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation
from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local
Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida).
Christmas
is a major holiday.
Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish
holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.
Christians get wonderful presents such
as jewelry, perfume, stereos...
Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or a the
collected works of the Rambam which looks impressive on the bookshelf.
There
is only one way to spell Christmas.
No one can decide how to spell Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah,
Hanukah, Hannuka.
Christmas is a time of great pressure
for husbands and boy friends.
Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved
of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
Christmas
brings enormous electric bills.
Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous
electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing
to the energy crisis.
Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent
Night,
Come o Ye Faithful.....Chanukah songs are about dreidels made
from clay or having a party and dancing the horah. Of course,
we are
secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed
and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand
and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
A
home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful.
The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered
around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes
and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking
at once.
Women
have fun baking Christmas cookies.
Women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and
onions for latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering
through the ages.
Parents
deliver to their children during Christmas.
Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift any of the
eight nights.
The players in the Christmas story
have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph and Jesus.
The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah, Maccabee,
and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the
plus side, we can tell our
friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in
our history.
Many
Christians believe in the virgin birth.
Jews think, "Joseph, bubela. Snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant,
you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame God. Here's the
number of my shrink."
In recent years, Christmas has become
more and more commercialized.
The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday.
It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom
Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue,
starve
yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat
your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and
your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person.
Better
stick with Chanukah. |
| The
Month After Chanukah |
Twas
the month after Chanukah, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibble, the latkas I'd taste
At Chanukah parties, had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there
arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine or the egg creams, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old
shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as only I can,
You can't spend the winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream
dip,
Get rid of all chocolate, each cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want to chew only a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a
bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
Have a Millenium Tov!! |
| Customs
Agent |
| A
Hassidic Jew in a big shtreimel (traditional fur hat) is stopped
at customs by an agent at JFK airport and asked: "Taliban?"
"No!" the man replies immediately. "Teitelbaum."
|
| A
Texan a Frenchman and an Israeli |
| A
Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the
Pacific Ocean when the engines stop functioning. The plane crash
lands on a Pacific Island and the 3 are immediately captured by a
tribe of cannibals and taken to their village. The
Chief tells the 3 captives that these cannibals are civilized and they
have a custom on their island that before they eat anyone, they grant
that person his or her last wishes?no matter what they are.
He asks the Texan, "What is your last
wish?"
The Texan replies: "I want a 2 inch thick steak with
all the trimmings, Cajun fries and a case of Bud." The Chief
motions to some of his tribesmen who immediately run into the jungle
and come back with the steak, the fries and the beer. The Texan eats
his meal and he is thrown in the pot. The
Frenchman is asked: "What is
your last wish?"
He replies: "I'd like a case of Dom Perignon and
I'd also like a big plate of escargots cooked in
the French manner." The Chief motions to
his tribesmen who immediately rush off into the
jungle and bring back everything the Frenchman
asked for. He eats and drinks his fill,
and he is then thrown in the pot. The
Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And
what is your wish?"
The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the
eyes and replies: "I want you to kick me
in the behind as hard as you can." The Chief
is bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only
to receive the same reply. "I want you to kick
me in the behind as hard as you can." The
Chief shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to
turn around, and kicks him as hard as he can. With
that the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the
Chief and all of the other cannibals. The
Texan and the Frenchman
get out of the pot, look at the Israeli and say: "If
you had that gun why didn't you do anything
sooner?"
The Israeli replies: "What?
And risk being condemned by the UN, EU and
the State Department for 'overreacting' to
insufficient provocation?"
|
| Jewish
Computer Terminology |
| The
Rabbi came over yesterday and we had a bris for my computer, taking
a little piece off the tail of the mouse.
If you or a friend are considering a
kosher computer, you should know that there were some other changes,
such as:
- I had to have two hard drives, one for fleyshedik business
software and
one for milchedik games.
- Instead of getting a General Protection
Fault error, my PC now gets Ferklempt.
- The
Chanukah screen savers include Flying Dreidels.
- My PC also shuts down automatically
at sundown on Friday evenings.
- My Start button has been replaced
with a "Let's go, I'm not getting any younger" button.
- The multimedia player has been
renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
- Internet Explorer has a spinning
Star of David in the upper right corner.
- I hear Hava Nagila during Startup.
- Microsoft Office now includes:
a little byte of this, and a little byte of
that.
- When running Scandisk, I am prompted
with a "You want I should fix this?" message.
- When my PC is working too hard,
I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"
- I saw a monitor cleaning solution
from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets
rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.
- After 20 minutes of no activity,
my PC goes Schloffen.
- Computer viruses can now be cured
with some chicken soup with matzo balls.
- Y2K problems have been eliminated,
but the impending problem promises to cause
major Tsoris.
- I didn't get a mouse... I got a
yad, which makes sense 'cause apparently I'm
not allowed to touch the Scroll bar.
- It didn't come with a screen saver,
it came with an electronic mehitza, which kicks
in whenever I access a feminist Web site.
- When I open AOL, the announcement
doesn't say "You've Got Mail". Instead, it says "You
don't WRITE, you don't CALL!"
- I don't have an Option button;
instead, it says, "On The Other Hand..."
- I don't get E-mail.... I get Eh-mail.
I get all these letters which when I read them,
I go "Eh, who cares?
- When I press Delete or Trash I
get a Dialogue Box which says "Listen, you never
know, you might need this someday. So Cancel?"
- When I click on
Clean Up Windows, it tells me it doesn't DO windows. It also came
with a Shabbos Goy Software Program which automatically
turns the hard drive on after sundown,
scans the most recent files slowly and prints
out during services.
For an additional $29.95 it's accompanied
by a Cholent CD-ROM....that slowly surfs the
Internet during Shabbos, amassing an assortment
of Web sites which then sit in the Browser
Cache of my hard drive and stew until after sundown
Saturday.
And finally, my computer always
takes 45 minutes to Shut Down, unless I enter
a special anti-separation anxiety command, "LOOK,
I REALLY GOTTA GO. I PROMISE I'LL CALL."
|
| How
The Grinch Stole Shabbat |
Oh,
The Jews up in Jewville. They Loved Their Shabbat,
From The Oldest of Old Folks to The Youngest of Tots.
With Candles And Wine And Chocolate Chip Challah,
They Felt Oh So Good Till Way Past Havdallah.
They All Went
to Shul to Hear Rabbi Schulweis
Who Told Them "It's Important to Treat Everyone Nice."
And After The Service, They Each Took Their Tallis
And Ran to Tables For Cookies And Challahs.
But There Was One Among Them, Though He Was Born
Yiddish,
Who Didn't Like Candles or Challah or Kiddish.
In Fact, Shabbat Made Him So Angry And Blue-ish,
You'd Hardly Have Guessed That He Was Born Jewish.
Since His Bar Mitvah, He Grew Not an Inch.
He Was Tiny, And Hairy, And They Called Him, The Grinch.
He Lived on a Mountaintop Far Above Town
On Each Shabbat Evening He'd Say With a Frown:
What's The Big Deal, With Their Candles And Baruchas,
To Me, The Whole Things Is a Pain in The Tuchas.
I Don't Feel Any Different From Friday Till Sunday.
I Don't Need Your Shabbat--give Me Any Old Monday!
I'll Show Them, I'll Show Them, I'll Steal Their
Shabbat!
I'll Take All The Wine And All The Candles They've Got!"
So He Set About Building a Shabbat-stealing Machine.
It Was Nuclear Powered, it Was Noisy And Mean.
He Built The Wolrd's First Shabbat Candle Blower-outer
That Blew out the Candles with Ucky Green Powder.
Then One Friday Night, While They Welcomed Shabbat,
The Grinch Saw His Chance to Hatch His Mean Plot.
While They All Sat in a Shul, So Polished and
Clean,
The Grinch from His Mountaintop Brought down His Machine
While the Cantor Sang Prayers and the Rabbi Told Fables,
The Grinch Came down Chimneys to Attack Shabbat Tables.
As the Jews in the Shul Davened Louder and Louder
The Grinch, He Reved up His Shabbat Candle Blower-outer.
He Snuffed All Their Candles, He Stole All Their Challas,
He Dumped Kiddush Wine over All Tables Set So Gala.
There Was No One to Stop Him; They Were All Still
in Shul
As He Poured Their Chicken Soup Right into the Pool.
He Ate All Their Kugel, He Ate up Their Herring
He Ate All Their Desserts Without Even Sharing!
That Grinch He Stole Shabbat from All Their Mishpochas,
From Such Terrible Things Some Type People Get Nachas.
He Ruined Their Shabbos, He Didn't Think Twice
He Even Stole Shabbos from Rabbi Schulweis.
The Grinch Stole the Shabbos from Jewville's
Fine Jews
He Went up All Their Streets and down Avenues
Until He Finally Arrived at the Road by the Crevice
The Very Last Street Where They Drink Manischevitz
At the End of the Block Lived Little Suzie Le'jew
Who Couldn't Make it to Shul, She Was Home with the Flu.
Of All Jewville's Jews, Little Suzie Was Smartest,
She Studied the Longest, She Studied the Hardest.
She Knew Kiddush and Motzee and Birkat by Heart
She Knew Shema and Amida and the in Between Parts.
Now this Little Suzie Slept Snug in Her Bed
While Canldes and Challah Danced in Her Head.
When All of a Sudden, She Heard Such a Clatter
And in Through Her Window, Came the Grinch on a Ladder.
Now Suzie in Darkness, She Just Couldn't See
" Who Is this Visitor? Who Could it Be?"
She Thought Maybe Zaide Had Forgotten His Key
Or Perhaps Cousin Herschel Had Dropped in for Tea.
So She Jumped out of Bed, Gave a Kiss and a Hug
She Whispered, "Good Shabbos" into His Very Hairy Mug.
Now the Grinch Didn't Know What Hit Him That Night
Since All He Would Meet Ran Away in Great Fright.
This Was the First Shabbos Kiss He Had Ever Got
Since He Was a Kid Back in Rabbi Jay's Tot Shabbat.
At That Very Moment His Heart Started to Beat
He Left Warm and Tingly from His Head to His Feet.
Out of His Eyes Came Flowing the Tears
From All the Hugs That He'd Missed All These Years.
" I've Done Something Awful," the Grinch Started to Cry
" I've Done Something Awful and I Don't Know Why."
"We Believe in Teshuva," Suzie Wisely Explained
We Believe That Your Ways Can Always Be Changed!"
" But What Can I Do to Earn Love in Your Eyes?
What Can I Do to Apologize?"
"The Jews of Our Town Are Forgiving and True
The Jews of Our Town Will Learn to Love You
But First You must Show Your Words Come from Your Heart
Clean up Your Mess, That's a Real Good Start!"
"Put Back the Candles and Put Back the Challas
Put Back the Kiddush Wine, Put Back the Tallis!
But Hurry Up, Mr. Grinch, It's Time to Be Nervous
'Cause Here Come the Jews Home from the Service!"
The Grinch Moved Fast like a Mighty Tornado
The Grinch He Moved Faster than Even Sigfredo.
He Put Back Their Candles He Put Back Their Challas
He Put Back the Kiddush Wine He Cleaned up the Tallis.
He Set All the Tables with Gleaming White Dishes
He Filled All Their Plates with Brisket and Knishes.
So the Jews of Old Jewville Came Home Singing Songs
And They Never Found out There Was Anything Wrong.
The Grinch Did Tshuva and Changed All His Ways
He Learned to Love Shabbos All of His Days.
All of His Meanness and Anger and Stink
He Got Rid of All, So He Needed No Shrink.
Instead He Had Suzie His Wise Little Teacher
Who Taught Him That Inside the Heart of Each Creature
Is God's Special Light 'Cause in God's Image We're Made
And So There's No Reason to Ever Be Afraid.
The Grinch Loved the Torah So Much That One Day
He Signed up to Be a Rabbi up at the U.J.
And So My Dear Friends this Shabbos, Let's Not Miss
Turn Around to Someone, Give a Hug and a Kiss.
Suzie Has Taught Us That Even a Grinch
With Enough Hugs and Kisses Can Turn into a Prince!
Jim North (jenorth2nd@hotmail.com)
|
| He
must really hear us up there |
| A
Jewish lady's grandson is playing in the water, she is standing on
the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden,
a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot
where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer
there. He simply vanished. She holds her hands to the sky, screams
and cries, "Lord,
how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother?
Have I not given to Bnai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not tried my
very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
A few minutes later another huge
wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on
the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing
there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing
had ever happened.
A loud voice booms from the sky, "Okay,
okay, I have returned your grandson.
Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."
|
| It's
All Relative |
| Two
Jewish women were speaking about their sons, each of whom was incarcerated
in the state prison.
The first says: "Oy, my son has it so hard. He is locked
away in maximum security, he never even speaks to anyone or sees
the light of day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life."
The second says: "Well, my son
is in minimum security. He exercises every
day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some
classes, and writes home each week.
"Oy," says the first woman, "You
must get such naches from your son."
|
| If
I Were a Rich Man |
" If
I were Rockefeller," sighed the Hebrew teacher from Chelm, "I'd be
richer than Bill Gates."
His friend asked, "What do you mean? How could you be richer?"
"I'd do a little teaching on the side." |
| Shopping
at Christmas Time |
| Probably the worst thing about being
Jewish at Christmas time is shopping in stores, because the lines are
so long.
They should have a Jewish express line: "Look,
I'm a Jew, it's not a gift.
It's just paper towels."
|
| Old
Jewish Beggar |
An old Jewish beggar was out on the
street with his tin cup.
" Please sir," he pleaded to a passerby, "could you spare three cents
for a cup of coffee?"
The man asked, "Where do you get coffee for three cents?"
The beggar replied, "Who buys retail?" |
| Moishe
Plotnik's Chinese Laundry |
| Walking
through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was
fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.
He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.""Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How
does that fit in Chinatown?"
So he walked into the shop
and saw a fairly standard looking Chinese laundry. He could see
that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the name
as there were baseball hats, T-Shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with
the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."There was also a
fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the name alone
had brought many tourists into the shop. The tourist selected a coffee
cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter
was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.
The
tourist asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name like "Moishe
Plotnik's Chinese Laundry? "The old man answered, "Ahh... Everybody
asks me that. It's the name of the owner."Looking around, the
tourist asked, "Is he here now?"
"He is right here," replied the old
man. "He is me."
"Really? How did you ever get a name like Moishe
Plotnik?"
"Is simple," said the old man. "Many, many years ago when
I came to this country, I was standing in line at the documentation
center. The man in front of me was a Jewish gentleman from Poland. "The
lady at the counter looked at him and said, 'What is your name?'
"He
said, 'Moishe Plotnik.'
"Then she looked at me and said, 'What is your
name?'"
I said, 'Sam Ting.'" |
| |
